So, I figure maybe I kick this blog off with something that would really offend vegans or Jordan Peterson fans or capitalist fans but I really just want to pass the time while waking up and digesting some food. I have been digesting a lot lately. There has been good discussion on here and I am reading "On Complexity" by Edgar Morin and "The Dispossessed: An Ambiguous Utopian Story."
"On Complexity" is good. Most of the reading I am just like "ok," "fair enough," "yeah, that's true." Like, I continue to read in hopes that it is a precursor to better stuff. The physics and the biology I already know. I want to get to anthropological insights and what all this means for the earth, culture, people and the future. Many times I feel I should have a dictionary handy but I just kind of wing it through context and memory. Morin is clearly a brilliant dude.
I am really enjoying "The Dispossessed." I could write more. If you are into sci-fi or anarchy it's definitely worth a look.
Something I was thinking about is putting my History degree to use and writing a dissertation on finding the truth about Marx, Communism, The Russian and Chinese State, Lenin and Mao, and the 100 million number. Maybe touch on where all this anti-communism rhetoric stems from. It's something that is kind of fascinating me. Like libertarian communism/socialist anarchy could actually work.
Edgar Morin is a history major! But, you won't find me getting any degrees in economics or law. Bro, 500 person lectures taught by some foreign dude that barely speaks English only at the university to do research mumbling through powerpoint presentations on Neoliberal economics..................... Bro, I'll download the powerpoints and skim them and never go to class and get an A. That is what university is supposed to be???????
Fucking law. Fucking lawyers. That is what most people thought I would do. *Shudder*
Actually, every male in my family except me in the US is either a chemist, an engineer, or both. Well, my brother has a PhD in theoretical nuclear physics and is a data scientist but it's still math and science. Actually, now that I think about it every male in my generation has a PhD in a science except me. I wanted to be an artist, designer (houses, shoes, clothes), or soccer player. I'm a bit of an oddball. I loved history because it was a search of the truth. We get to play detective and solve mysteries. It's tricky though because if you look at say a slave in the 1700s they don't really have a voice. They couldn't speak honestly. Many times you are doing guesswork with other historians' work and sources. I want to do more than just history though. The knowledge base that an Edgar Morin has is a bit overwhelming but I like what he is doing. I always enjoyed physics but I never really like biology. Anthropology I absolutely love. I was thinking of going back to graduate school for Anthropology. Or, maybe some kind of dual or multifaceted degree. But, maybe I don't need to do that. Maybe I just need to continue studying Edgar Morin. Loco, you should go back to school and study Morin and French to English translation. That actually seems like a very worthwhile endeavor. The US, UK, Australia, et al. BADLY need some Morin injected into the culture.
So, I had a $100k month in plo in the past and in 2017 I made $10k in grocery stores and restaurants... Is that my dream? To live under the poverty line working shit jobs? It's really not so bad when you are in it. I cut some produce, I cook some food, I like who I am working with. The stuff I did goes out on the line and gets served to customers and they enjoy it. It really isn't a horrible way to spend a day. I come home and I hang out with friends or do whatever. I wouldn't be reading "On Complexity" if I still had a job. One must be dedicated or unemployed to read books like that. "Being and Nothingness," "Theory of Justice," "The Republic." These books typically don't get read by people working 40+ hours a week.
I think maybe I just continue on the path. I have enough money to last me 2-3 months, more if I live like a monk. I don't really mind living like a monk to be honest. It's simpler. I don't get caught up in as much self-centered craving. When I work I want to spend all my money. Make the anguish of work "worthwhile." I need more anesthesia for the pain. I get caught up in capitalist culture. A want to express myself through clothing and "stuff." Liberation through a great orgasm that only lasts maybe 5 seconds with an after glow of maybe 15 min. No, I don't want to go back to work for a corporation. Not until I absolutely have to.
You learn by making mistakes, and I feel like this is one of the time to grow.
In life when it comes to money, I've been always happy living paycheck to paycheck because you know what - it felt liberating, it felt safe...
It felt... Like I have nothing to lose, like I need to work hard and not even think about it, like my path is very straightforward and I've always found a way.
Lately, that's changed, suddenly I left the safe environment that I'm used to, started making more than I can possibly spend with my habits and view of the world, where the expensive things people buy just seem like futile waste of money especially for me used to broke living. Sure, the Crypto bear sure has helped out but I'm finding myself in an unfamiliar territory that brings...
Attachment.
I fear losing what I have. I'm proud of what I have, what I play. I started focusing on money, even setting things like I will use 10% of my winnings last month to pay for a holiday for me and my gf(which I did). I started tying my identity to my bank account, to limits I play and the money I win. I started setting short ter goals, what if I make 10k this month, visualised how that'd feel, how I'd move up, how proud would I be.
But then reality hit. On my way up eating ramen I always powered through nad runs, breakeven stretches. Even having to borrow money from my friend who was helping me out didn't feel as stressful as breaking even this month. You may say lol that's poker breakeven 15 days bother you, then this game's not for you.
But I've been winning month after month, week after week and slowly but surely I've built up attachment, built expectation and somewhere I started focusing on results rather than the process.
Letting go of attachmemt.
And then it got me thinking, once upon a time I was really big on meditation and kwan-um-zen
The most frequent question you ask yourself there is "who am I? " during meditation. I also remembered Tommy Angelo, the wise man I once had on my podcast and whose eightfold path to poker enlightenment I devoured a few times.
And again I started realising the series of attachments, the tying ropes of identity that both ties and imprisons your in your own expectations and views of self.
When I text this girl I'm attached to an outcome of a fast reply. My body looks like X so people will perceive my like Y. Looking certain way should make me feel good/bad. I've studied the hardest in a long time last week, I put in the focused hours so now I expect a great result at the tables. I tie my self respect and identity to the limits I play,money I have and losing that would threaten for me to lose that identity.
The way of enlightenment.
So what to do about it? Well for me the first thing is always awareness, be aware I've become attached to the results and that by itself allows me to let go to an extent because of the absurdity of many of these attachments.
Other things are focusing on the process, and then letting go - you've text that girl. You played that session, your body is what it is and you just had a gym session. None of those things you can do anything about so thinking, worrying, being overly attached to them is pure futility.
What actually matters is DOING what you do, RIGHT NOW RIGHT HERE with your time. And if you used it wisely that's all you can do, you've done well, and the outcome is not what matters.
Setting goals.
The the thing about this all of course is that if there would be no attachments at all then there would be no motivation or will to actually be part of the modern human world. Most of the pursuits of the modern civilisation also require attachment and bring suffering. But you do have to CARE in order to DO, otherwise you'd become siddhartha and finally find the meaning of life being peaceful with staring at the river for eternity.
I guess there needs to be a middle ground, for me it always has been long term goals, more like targets long time in the future I can judge my present actions by, but short term results seem insignificant in the lens of me a year from now
Previously it's been to get to where I actually am now, why losing it all suddenly became this huge pressure, a break even week after studying hard a stressful experience, the long term goal became NOW, THIS WEEK, THIS SESSION.
So I sit down, re-evaluate, get that long term lens going on again so I focus on actions...Instead of short term results.I also started doing bookkeeping a good friend taught me to bring more rationality into my finances.
And just bring that awareness of futile attachment back, which makes it easier to let go, which makes it smoother to focus on the only thing that really matters - this moment and what I do with it.
And since my morning poop,where I type a blog on my phone is over, it's time to make breakfast.
Too many to look at in the $100-$200 range. It's all brand recognition bull shit anyways. IT'S ALL BRAND RECOGNITION BULLSHIT!
Like having a a pair of $700 Alyx boots instantly makes me cool................... but people fall for it. What are those???? I like those????? Yeah, I only had to spend a paycheck on them............................
Man, I am liking my freedom so far but I will eventually run out of money. That brings me some anxiety. There is some anguish in the downtimes but training, going on walks with my family, reading novels and Edgar Morin just seems like what I should be doing at this point in time. I realized I really don't need tattoos, chelsea boots, and leather jackets. I don't need $100 meals. There are enough women that are receptive without me having those things. AND, why am I so concerned about getting validated by women anyway? That is a recipe for shit. Find a dope chick I like spending time with and spend time with her when I feel like it. That is it. I am not running for President of Tinder. I don't need to win the electoral college vote. A lot of women on there are pretty basic and not desirable to date. I am confident this isn't rationalizing either.
Anyways, I don't have anything else to say for now.
So, I am unemployed so I will probably be writing more blogs. More time. More anguish to cope with. More self-centered cravings that I will indulge in. This blog being one of them. I have been lying in. Just spending an hour or so in my bed just lying in. I have heard the natural circadian rhythm is to wake up about an hour later each day. I think I am on that voyage. So, I feel a bit sleepy. I haven't woke up yet. That could be a metaphor for my life as well. I am just a bit sleepy in general. It doesn't feel like I am woke like I need to be. To make a decision on what I am going to be spending my time on next. I could go the fear and tradition route and just take the first job that I can get. I have a little bit of money to take a vacation. I don't want to think too much. I just want to feel. What does my gut say? Not, what do my parents say? What does my brother say? What do my friends say? But, what does my gut say? What does my heart say?
I need to hit the gym again today and get a good sweat in. I don't think I am overtrained yet. After losing about 10 lbs. in a week and a half I have hit a bit of a plateau. I just have to make sure to maintain the muscle, get the HIIT in, and it's probably 70%+ nutrition. That's a bit of a heartbreaker that I shouldn't be eating rice.
I am just trying to position myself to have a bon ete. Good Summer. Why just a bon ete? Why not bonne vie? We wish people to have a good day or a good week. Why not a good life? I wished my brother-in-law a happy birthday today, told him I loved him, and wished him a great life not just a great day. I do love him but I don't know him as well as my other brother-in-law. I consider him my actual brother no disrespect to my actual brother. I had a text conversation with my old BJJ coach the other night. He is my brother too. I kind of wish I had enough money to go back and train. BJJ is the ultimate HIIT workout. When you are exchanging sweat, joint locks, and strangles a very rare camaraderie exists. Oh well, I have quit training twice already. Not that the past necessary repeats itself like a lot of people like to obsess about but there were reasons for me not doing it that were greater than the reasons for doing it so unless the reasons scale shifts it is stupid to throw down money on training and private lessons.
I am not meant for a corporate environment. Baal was talking about how corporations are not coercive. That is bullshit. They use their positions of power to manipulate all the fucking time. That's really all it is. It was the same in sales. I think I have told this story before but my manager took me out for drinks and explained to me it was all manipulation. We are trying to manipulate the customer into doing what we want and it is that simple. In taking me to a cool place and buying me drinks I like he was attempting to manipulate me into manipulating people. There are a million ways in which corporations and managers can be coercive and manipulative. They can dock pay, they can give people shitty assignments, they can make people work more hours, not give people vacation, they can fire people. A lot of sales in business to business was just finding the collection of people within the customers' company that would manipulate their own people. It almost always came down to the Plant Manager telling the purchasing agent to fuck off.
The fact that I am not meant for the corporate environment and the fact that I can't pay the bills as an artist it just seems like I am destined to be destitute. That is what I am not awake to. Where are my outs? I can't be drawing dead. Really? But, we've been through this before. I mean surely I shouldn't be judging an occupation on the percentage chance that I get ghosted mentioning it on Tinder? Lol, that is absurd but it was a thought. Thoughts are fucked up. Feelings from the gut are more reliable. My gut feeling is that apprenticing at a tattoo shop would be really interesting. I am very talented at drawing and sketching. I get minor tremors in my hand due to the lithium and adrenaline so that might kill it. It would be an experience but I would have to find a shop that would take me. There are probably better options out there.
We are a sum of our actions but how much power do we have over those actions?
The US Government and multinational corporations would have us believe it is complete control. Freedom and power are the most powerful marketing tools. It's a trap. I don't want any part of that machine but I must engage with it to a point. I haven't figured out any other way. It sucks doing work for less than a "living wage" though. It sucks doing work for more than a "living wage" typically too. The corporations want their employees to be in debt. The corporations want their customers to be in debt as long as they are buying their stuff. People start getting flush with money they are free to make some changes. Free to take vacations and potentially to explore their surplus of options. All of this is based on culture. Culture of the state and culture of the corporation. I struggle to fit in with much of the US culture and corporate culture. New slavery is buying an $1,000 leather jacket. That's being caught in chains, in a prison. Is it worth having to be perfect going into a customer? Being an actor? All learned smiles, and laughs, and unblinking negotiations?
It's perfect outside and I don't have a bike. That makes me a bit sad. It will be a bit sad to go into a gym to use a stationary bike when it is 79 F and perfect outside. I loved my bike. I had an attachment to my bike. It always made me happy when I was riding it. I had to sell it when I lost my corporate job 3 years ago. That is what I should be spending my money on instead of chelsea boots, leather jackets, and tattoos. A new bike.
Oh well, I have to figure out how I am going to train today so I can be sane and lose fat and feel good. ¡Mucho Amor LP!
I lost my job today. The restaurant closed down. I am not sure how I feel. I originally felt freedom but then started to feel fear. I don't want to take my next job out of fear. I really don't even know what to do. An idea was to apprentice at a tattoo shop. My parents loved that idea... Why do I still care what they think? They asked me if I could do anything what would it be? My answer was to design shit. Shoes, clothes, houses, hotels, tattoos, whatever I was obsessed with at the time. Or, I would want to be a DJ/musician just traveling around small venues making a fair amount of money but only being recognizable by true fans. I would want to walk down the street and do what I wanted to with out being intruded on. I don't know if there are any answers that can be extracted from that. If I can get my bitcoin into USD and my tax refund in a reasonable amount of time I should be ok for a bit. Maybe 1 or 2 months or more if I live like a monk. I want to spend my days doing stuff out of love and not fear.
This may have been good for me. I was hitting a stretch where I was not improving my culinary skills whatsoever and also doubting if I even wanted to be in the field. It kind of forces me to make a choice to get on with my life.
I was at a point where I wanted a vacation. So, I got one. I am sure I will be complaining about the anguish of unemployment soon enough.
For the BTC people out there. What is the best way to get BTC into USD these days?
$250-$310, all leather, one compartment with divider, 1.63kg, 38.5 x 29.5 x 7
-will last a long time
-heavy duty zipper that goes all the way down the sides
-also formal
-might get worried about something happening to it or forgetting it, have to keep it off the floor in a bathroom stall, don't want to lose my stuff
$130-$160, leather accents, one compartment with divider, made in China, 1.06kg, 38 x 28 x 7
-unique plaid look
-also designer but half nylon so in between 1 and 3?
$90, 0.8kg , 39 x 29 x 7.5
-light and multiple compartments -> can pack more, overnighter flexibility
-don't care if it gets beat up every day
-comfortable handles
-won't last as long
I don't like bowing to my buddhist teacher when he enters the room.
If I had more money it would be in bitcoin and acres in Montana.
I am a bit bored with Tinder. Funny how that was my obsession about 2 weeks ago. That is just how I operate. The novelty has worn off and I guess to be honest I am currently not that attractive of a person to date.
Or, it could be because I write things like this:
(She instructed to email her because she isn't on tinder a lot. She had a caption saying "Life is too short, Get naked. Fuck loud and make noise")
Hey,
What's up?
I saw your profile on tinder and swiped right.
Life is too short. But a blip in existence. Fuck.
Fuck.
I like that: Fuck loud and make noise.
Or at least have fun and laugh.
Get charged up. Dick hard. Clit hard. Stiff and wet. Good combinations.
Spicy thai food and mango ice cream. Pink skies on the beach. A pastry and a coffee.
If I had magenta suede chelsea boots would you touch me?
A leather jacket would you rub me?
Another sleeve of tattoos would you hug me?
I am me. That is all I can be.
Hotel suite with a bad bitch or writing poetry under a tree.
Beauty and transcendence is what I am after.
I wish to escape the prison of the mind.
Come with me. I will break the chains and we can run for it.
I know love, peace, and serenity exist.
I have been there before. We can build a boat and realize we already have access. There are no secret islands to discover.
Yeah, that was kind of ridiculous but it's what I felt at the time. Have a good week stranger. I love you and the human race.
I will never know the response because the email didn't exist or I typed it in wrong.
Tinder does get exciting when I am getting exciting matches.
I tell you what though. There is something about getting in some good training. Eating like a light salad and then going for a walk on the beach. Pink skies. Sometimes I miss pastries and coffee and cigarettes but it's not worth it. It's just not worth it. Cigarettes are still so alluring to me. There is like never a bad time for a cigarette but it is ALWAYS a bad time for a cigarette.
Vueve Clicquot and liberation. Then I end up in strip clubs and VIP rooms and driving drunk and hurricaning my life into the ground. That is the past though. That's just what I tell myself when I start thinking about buying a pizza and a couple bottles of Vueve and how fun that would be. Or my trusted black box of caubernet sauvignon. That is a bit more affordable. $1/unit. Man, that shit was my medicine. Now, I have lithium and abilify but what is there for the soul sickness? The existential sickness? Materialism is lacking. Buddhism is lacking. Imagination. Now, there is something there. Family. Friends. Helping people. How can I be helpful?
I don't want to just hold on for tonight or today. Sometimes maybe that is where I am at but I want to live life to the fullest. I think honestly sometimes that is taking a nap. I don't have to be skydiving or at some hot party doing shots to be living.
Compassion. Living from the heart. Getting a good night's sleep.
Why aren't we all driving Teslas? Well, I guess I can't really talk because I drive a Subaru Forester. It was given to me by my mom. I can't afford to drive any other car.
The Macbook Pro is really a beautiful product. I have a desktop in storage that I don't even think about.
Can love really overcome fear? I mean that is this narrative we have been given through out our lives usually in some form of moneymaking enterprise. It's what sells but it gets muddled with the narrative that we need a lot of money, and need to be physically attractive, and have a lot of stuff. I look at people with heavily branded items and I just feel like they are a bit confused. Sometimes I am a bit confused but I am not that confused. Oh well, I don't feel like talking about this anymore so I am out. Much love LP. Until next time.
So, I am on one of those searches for an elusive feeling I am not even sure I know what I am looking for. Just something different. I shaved my beard off yesterday and had to deal with all the responses today. I think most people thought I looked weird. One girl in particular who is rather honest said I shouldn't have shaved my beard and that I don't look good shaven and that now I look chubby and I didn't before. She said I should have just trimmed it. Along with some other stress and frustrations I was looking to escape. One of my tried and true is pornography obviously. When I really need it I tend to go for the JOI variety. That left me a little calmer but then I was fucking hungry. Eat the pain away. We have chips and pico de gallo! I obviously ate it all. All of it. It is all digesting in my stomach as we speak. Then I see we have a mango! Devoured. So fucking good. Then I thought. "Hey, I always seem to turn it around a little bit writing a blog on LP." I guess it is sort of a coping device for reality. I try to get down to the depths of reality while at the same time I am escaping it in a way. I could be looking at other avenues of employment. I get ghosted like 85% of the time on tinder when I mention I am a prep cook (at a chain restaurant). Yet, I go back there every day doing the same damn shit and I come home and do more or less the same damn shit. But then I find something like this:
Then I am off on this rush with Tove Lo. Listening to music, watching interviews. I love her songwriting and she gets what it is like to be an addict or just someone that loves the rushes and adventures of life. I feel like I am nearing the end of that rush like the lights have gone out and it is just me alone in my room with my computer a little lost and confused.
A little lost and confused with my obsessions and struggles. The buddhist teacher would say to meditate but I have never been one to just sit and meditate outside of a daily practice. Now is a great time to start isn't it? And I say fuck that. I want to do ecstasy with Tove Lo at Coachella, smoke some dank weed, and get lost in each other and our pleasures. Craving, suffering, I got it. Yup. I can just let the cravings pass. The anguish pass. Almost to the point of being free of craving and anguish. Sometimes I rather indulge in all of it. Get lost in memories and fantasies. Eat an entire pint of ice cream. Sneak into the bathroom with my phone and my pornhub. Junk food. Junk values. How do we rise above?
In other Swedish pop star news: Avicii killed himself. Cut himself with broken glass and bled to death. Honestly, I have been there before. I really related to Avicii and his story. I remember LOVING his song "Alcoholic" even before I realized I was actually an alcoholic. Man, I was on Avicii early before he even had any of his own songs. Back when he was MURDERING it in clubs around the world. He put together some of the best hours I have ever experienced. I have been where Avicii was. I just decided to burn myself instead of cut myself. It hits close to home because that is probably how I will end up going if I ever started drinking again. Especially now that is in my mind it is almost a fucked up romanticized view of it. What a fitting death for alcoholic me. Slitting my wrist with a broken Jack Daniels bottle. It also shows one can seemingly have it all and be so discontented with life that they end it. It actually makes me really sad. Avicii is one of those stars that I felt a kinship and if he can't get out of this thing without killing himself what hope do I have? I just keep on trucking. That's all I can do.
I had an old ipod with just a crazy selection of Avicii's best sets caught on tape. Unfortunately, it died and all of those will be gone for forever (as far as I know). I have this in my mind that there was one from like 2010 at Glow in Washington D.C. that was off the charts but everything he was doing at that time was crazy.
I dug this up:
I think there was definitely some better stuff from small'ish clubs around this time but if you like EDM this is killing it. Makes me forget I am just a meaningless organism living in a meaningless world for a while at least. But, how do I make this existence BETTER!?!?!? If I shave I can better go down on women. If I buy the chelsea boots and the leather jacket and the watch and we go to the cool lounge and what do I order? Oh, god what do I order? I can't order a san pelligrino because I got ghosted when I suggested that with a random tinder chick. Same with cappucino. But, fuck it, maybe I just want to lounge in a lounge and drink some sparkling water. Fuck it. Maybe I don't even want to go to a lounge. I don't want to dress up in the lounge outfit. Black armani shirt with black jeans and black chelsea boots. See, I already have chelsea boots just not tan ones that I want. I also want charcoal and maybe something a bit out there like magenta in suede. Magenta suede chelsea boots would surely get me laid no? Oh, there is more to it than that. Like not being a prep cook at a chain restaurant and living with my parents at 34.
The actors in Hollywood tell me to eat chicken, rice, and steamed vegetables all day and train a few hours a day and I can look like a superhero. ORLY? That's it? You don't say.
It is kind of crazy that this guy who seemingly had it all and also was quite useful ended it so abruptly. Listening to this mix led to so many great workouts and more fun car rides. On another tangent it's like I am detached and don't care at all. Like a fly that hit the windshield. I want to know more about the circumstances. Was he drinking? Was he trying to get sober at any point? Were there other drugs involved?
Oh well. I don't know if I have any answers. I am just writing to escape like I said earlier. Cope with life. Sometimes it is so easy, happy, and carefree and sometimes it just seems like a chore, no fire, the candle is at a low flicker, and full of anxiety and confusion and fogginess. All I can do is my best or good enough. Keep stepping forward. I am here, now. So, what does that mean? I need to fuck around with some paint. Maybe start sketching tattoos. Now, there's an idea. Reality is too harsh for me sometimes. That is just a fact. I need ways to escape that aren't too damaging and don't put me in a constant suffering/craving/anesthetize loop.
So, I just watched "Carmina Burana" to ballet and it was fucking brilliant. Between the Lebanese coffee and the show I am like pumped up. Oh man, "O Fortuna" is like overwhelming and there was a piece after the fall where there is a learned balance between the pitfalls of earthly pleasures and awareness that was so blissful. I had tears steaming down my face. The costumes were incredible as well as the lighting. You can't ignore the beauty and grace in the dancers. Such remarkable symmetry. But what do I want? I want to fuck a bad bitch like Kleio Valentine (NSFW).
Tinder and Snapchat is the new Liquidpoker and r/gonewild for me. It's just different things substituted. I smell some pussy and I am planning on which chelsea boots to buy, which leather jacket to buy, my next tattoo while forgetting I still live at home with my parents and have dental bills and yada yada yada. I have a date with a girl that we'll find out what she is actually going to look like when she shows up. She is pretty cool though so I figure we'll give it a shot. I have to get some more/(better) pics up on tinder. I would like a nice influx of matches always coming in. I don't want to get tinder plus until I have a better profile and some more experience under my belt. You see this? All the plans and fantasies. I'm a fucking maniac. I really should sit and breathe more. So, many people fucking say that. I guess I am a little restless at the moment. I want so bad to win at life and I have too many plans and fantasies and I don't even know what my priorities are. I know my first priority is I really can't drink alcohol or do drugs. Shit is fucked if I do. I think renunciation of the material is such a tricky one. It is like people in overeaters anonymous. A little different because I absolutely need to eat to survive but do I really need to go to the lengths of buddhist monk and completely abstain from the material? The other end is broke me in dope outfits.
So, I RSVP'd to my friend's wedding and tried on my suit. It's tight! Tight as in too tight and barely fits. So, I think it is time to burn some fat. I am not quite where I would like to be in the muscle aspect but I think it is more important to burn fat at this point. That means less food and more cardio.
Some topics in here for sure. I just needed to get some stuff out of my brain. What do I really want? AA tells me peace and serenity. I think that is about right.
Been awhile... actually I couldnt connect to LP.net for like the last 6 months, not sure why site would just time out. Was randomly clicking bookmarks today and it opened up!
So much has happened... for starters, my pretty little cheapo Saab blew up on me Coolant jug sprung a leak and before I knew it my temp gauge was red lining while driving home. Pulled over, popped the hood and some hose blew off and started spraying boiling coolant everywhere. Luckily my training kicked in and I was able to do an aerial split tsukahara flyaway and didnt get any on me. But I was told I blew a head gasket and warped the cylinder heads. Estimate to fix? $4000. So much for my piddling little poker bankroll I was growing. And my checking account. And my savings. Any literally every last dime I had to my name.
Since the repairs were more than the car was worth I junked it and got a loan for a newer car that is certainly more reliable and one in which any repair shop can work on. I bought a 2013 Nissan Altima. 67k miles and seems to be in great condition, only downside is that due to declaring bankruptcy last year I got stiffed with a 16% APR loan lol. But I really had no choice, because no car = no job.
Which brings us around full circle, because I finally quit my job! How did I quit my job with no poker bankroll, no income at all to speak of, and a car loan on top? Easy, by just giving up on life! You can do it too! In reality I put my last $500 on to ignition and decided I was going to move home where I could sleep on my mom's couch and live rent free for a bit until I got a job again. I quit my current job because it was making me borderline suicidal. I hated it so much. I worked IT for a collection agency which has to be one of the most subhuman morally reprehensible industries on earth. While I wasnt doing the thieving, just working there made me so ashamed. What a fucking trash company that was. And after my 1 year anniversary and numerous discussions about a raise and promotion, coupled with completing the most important project our team was tasked with in the last 5 years, I get passed over with a "ok so we're gonna put you on a review period for this promotion, unpaid of course to see if you can handle it, and then reconvene next quarter". I walked out of the meeting, gathered my personal belongings, left the office and never came back. I just cant bring myself to get horse fucked that badly. Call it pride or whatever, but I have a few principles in me and running the entire desktop support team by myself, overworked, no overtime (just told to take long lunch breaks to make up for it) and meeting all objectives just to be given the endless runaround? No sir, fuck you. FUUUUUUCK YOU. I fucking hope it stung them as bad as they did me leaving the dept in shambles and forcing them to miss all their deadlines for the next big software upgrade cycle since I was the only one who knew how to assemble the packages.
Anyyyyyyyway... so this new girl I was seeing at the time invited me to come stay with her rather than move out of state, and in that time I've been grinding my online roll using hilariously bad bankroll management up to 3k playing NL200 now. This means I can actually pay my bills. I'm pretty sure Ive been running hot but hey we all deserve a little rungood sometimes dont we? I actually do NOT intend to move up any higher since my goal now is just self-sustainability, and NL200 seems to offer that. I can afford my car payment, my tiny bit of gas since i dont drive anywhere, and food in my belly. All things considered thats all I need right now. If and when I grind up to 10k or something I may or may not start playing live again, namely because I am really enjoying the freedom and lack of expenses associated with playing online. I'd probably rather grind NL200 online than 2/5 live. Those tips/food/gas/accommodations really take a bite out of your earnings.
Death is certain. The timing of it is uncertain. Impermanence abounds. Even stars die on a long enough time line. We get to the meagerest of triple digits if we are lucky and/or extremely prudent with our health. I am all about making the most of this time on Earth but I still struggle with it. Anguish and suffering. On one hand it is cool to sit and be with the breath on another hand I just did my taxes and I only made $10,000 this year. I know I am on this journey. I don't know if I would call it spiritual. Renunciation of material goods and junk values. But, not many want to date a broke prep cook living with his parents. Maybe I want to date a little bit and have some fun with the fairer sex. Maybe I should just go on meditation retreats to pick up. But, I don't really want to go on meditation retreats.
I am not THAT into buddhism. But, it would be nice to pick up a chick that is a little bit buddhist. Or not. I got some things developing on tinder which is cool. We will see how that goes. Tinder would be infinitely easier if I was in my 20s and fun drinking all the time and adventuring. BUT I'M NOT IN MY 2Os AND I DON'T DRINK. REALITY. DEAL WITH IT.
I kind of came to the conclusion today that my priorities are kind of skewed. Like I am this broke guy carrying too much body fat doing deadlifts. If I want to be more attractive I would be making money and lowering body fat %. But, you know what? Fuck it. I like eating burgers and fries and ice cream. I don't have to have a 6 pack like Tyson Beckford, Brad Pitt, or Matthew McConnaghey.
I should be lifting for me but honestly really? I mean I enjoy it but... but what? I really just want to slide my dick into a wet vagina. I mean that isn't all. I prefer that she be cool or hot or preferably both. There is this woman named Patti Stenger who was on this show I used to watch "Millionaire Mathmaker." She would always say the penis does the picking. I think that is part of the brilliance of tinder in that I know pretty quick if I am attracted to someone. Is this some archaic form of picking? Is it barbaric that I am not reading biographies or not giving many big girls a shot? I will swipe right on a single mom if she is attractive enough, an occasional big girl if she really is "curvy" or "thick," and older women rarely. In a way I am judging the big girls for not being in shape which is valued in society just as wealth and status are valued in society for men. I am the big girl and the single mom on there. Broke dude with shit job is the big girl and single mom of tinder. Not drinking indicates fucking weirdo bore but I can overcome the bore part and I am a bit of a weirdo.
Improve your poker skills by teaching me!by Nitewin, April 12
I used to be a winning reg but quit since black friday. I'm looking to learn the "solver" and how people are thinking of poker these days. The goal is to move to vegas or travel around to win a little playing live, for fun. Teaching is the best way to learn and solidify what you think you know, so teach me! : )
So today
I was plying too many tables, 6 I think (usually I play 3-4) already feeling anxious and then finallty I hit a set multiway
Get it all-in, 88 vs 66 on 86X all happy as he shows 66
But then on the river...King
And he flips over...Kings somehow even though he's already shown 66, and I lose just feeling shitty, day's ruined, how can this happen https://media.giphy.com/media/1WUjIfTTaqHK0/giphy.gif
It all felt completely real, but then . . .I woke up
It took me a while to realize it actually didn't happen, the feelings were so real!
This site gave me a lot, and i will never forget all the support.
It's time for a stable job at last, Luckily I don't have to go too far.
Recently I've climbed all the way up to Ancient[2]in Dota so will give my shot streaming and grinding the MMR, and surely become a pro within months when I stop putting so much futile effort into microstakes poker, and I will have a steady profession at last that society respects.
Thank you, and best of luck in whatever you do, this is my goodbye.
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