Poker Blogs

So it's time. Looking to relocate to a new poker spot. Quick recap, moved in with that girl, things were ok in the beginning but it has run its course. I actually feel kinda bad now because she's madly in love with me and I dont really feel anything for her at all. Then again I think she may be confusing love with loneliness and she's just looking for someone to settle down with, frequently commenting on how she doesnt want to die alone etc. Believe me I can appreciate that, but I just dont feel anything for her anymore.

Anyway the online poker thing failed, I lost my 3k as quickly as I won it, in no small part due to playing zoom poker. It was great getting paid off by anonymous donks on ignition with inexplicably bad hands, but it's also easy to run KK into AA and get felted by every slowplayed set 10 times in a row. I've been driving for Uber/Lyft in the meantime to make ends meet. Back to live it is, but not in jax!

One of the biggest gripes I ever had about playing in jacksonville FL, in fact the only gripe I had, was the shortstackers. This is pretty common for live but goddamn it's so frustrating, especially when you show up for the waiting list just to get put on a new table with nothing but $100 minbuys at a 2/5 game. And then when they win a big pot they take their $300 and sit in the 5/10 PLO game upstairs. It became such an issue the card room finally bumped the minimum buyin up to 40BB, which helps I suppose, but still a far cry from playing the more enjoyable full stacked poker. The game selection was also always a tiny bit limited, usually 5 tables of 2/5 running, mix of regs, recs, and a few tourists. But lets get real, jax is not a tourist town so you're never really getting these out of towner whales unless there's a huge BBJ running or tournament in town.

So doing my due diligence it seems as though a few new spots opened up for consideration; Tampa, Washington DC, and Houston. So lets do a little pros & cons breakdown.

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Tampa pros: best weather, best city, best social life, best quality of living, best women, casino opened 24/7

Tampa cons: single casino, 40BB buyins, possibly reg infested, semi-touristy town.

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DC pros: 2 casinos, Maryland Live which is renowned among the region with very juicy games, brand new MGM right next to airport/city center attracting all of the fancy businessmen, tons of tourism.

DC cons: terrible weather, terrible social life, terrible standard of living, very expensive, major female:male defecit.

************************************************************

Houston pros: legal homegames, numerous recently established card rooms that operate on the home game principal, all play extremely deep, TIME RAKE TIME RAKE TIME RAKE TIME RAKE!!!, decent female population, good standard of living

Houston cons: meh weather, meh social life (???), games might run too big, possibly nothing but regs/locals

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Now before we go any further lets take a look at that big fat bold in the houston category. Because gambling is illegal in texas no game can take a rake. However homegames for real money are completely legal so long as the house doesnt get a cut, and you can literally find dozens of nightly games running all over the city from a simple google search. I've been there and done it and they are legit. Some enterprising minds decided to take the next step and open up full fledged card rooms under the homegame principle. This has drew the ire of city officials and nobody knows if it's all going to get shut down or not, but for now these rooms look like mini casinos. They are lavish, well apointed, fully staffed, professional dealers, hot waitresses, full bar, full menu, real food, lounge, tv's, very nice seating, etc. A couple of the rooms themselves look absolutely stunning. They circumvent the system via standard time rake/membership deal. $15 door fee + $15/hr seat.

Everything I have read about the houston games says that while they advertise them as 1/3 games, the max buyin is 300BB's or up to the big stack. 10-15k on the table is very common and with opening raises between $20-$50 and even legendary $100 opens from tilted whales late at night the games have been rumored to be this hidden hush hush poker oasis. Saw a pic of Sammy Farha one night and some instagram pros winning 14k pots with their bragworthy "2.5k buyin 22k cashout" chip porn posts. The time tokens cannot be paid from your stack, so all the money stays on the table! They have memberships to ease the daily door fee's but the $15/hr stays. Considering almost any casino is usually taking $7 per hand in rake then the time structure seems like an obvious win.

Concerns? Well, these games may be a bit *too* deep for me. Some of them turn into 1/3/5/10/25 degen fests and if they all entirely revolve around the local elites then I'll just never be able to get in. However I wont really know until I go there since nobody is expressly talking about it. You can even call the rooms and the hostess will brag over the phone about how their 1/3 game is playing like a 5/10 to entice you to come over.

Thoughts?



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https://foundaz.com/2018/07/29/kon-tiki-2012/ - Trailer-Info-Cast
https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/M...0OA@@._V1_UY268_CR3,0,182,268_AL_.jpg
I watched this last night before going to bed and was quite entertained. Nothing really amazing about the movie apart from it being based on real events about some crazy Nord trying to prove that Latin Americans were the ones who populate Polynesia 1,500 years ago by sailing on balsa rafts 5000 miles through treacherous, shark-filled oceans. EVERYBODY LOVES SHARKS AND ITS NOT A DEPRESSING MOVIE SO JUST GO AND WATCH IT.


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Here are two foreign gems around 7/10 each in my opinion, maybe more depending on your tolerance for crime dramas.Happy watching guys.

In Order Of Disappearance (2014) Norwegian with ENG subs
trailer info review cast - https://foundaz.com/2018/07/26/in-order-of-disappearance-2014/
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/umz...fRtMeieGWRPJPAgQsF6JHOc56Z1gibmb8=s85

The Major (2013) Russian with ENG subs
trailer info review cast - https://foundaz.com/2018/07/27/the-major-2013/
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/7jJ...iucYlcBUF8k09XIJuJFyaGUt-kyeZdC6U=s85




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Ghost Stories Trailer,cast,info and review below
https://foundaz.com/2018/06/21/ghost-stories-2018/
Good old-fashioned mystery/horror that doesn't rely on cheap scares. Martin Freeman is here. 7/10
http://static.metacritic.com/images/p...55a0f4350fb87e6e55b3c9ad88d3-250h.jpg


A Prayer Before Dawn Trailer,cast,info and review below
https://foundaz.com/2018/06/06/a-prayer-before-dawn-2018/
Solid biopic of Billy Moore, a foreigner in a Thai prison. It's the dude from "The Peaky Blinders" series and he's great in this. It's not your typical prison movie, as it has got lots of other good elements to it.
https://buzz.tt/media/movies/2106/2106_250.jpg


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I'm looking to book some sort of nofap challenge. Doesn't have to be for much and I'm ok with just competing vs myself and maybe if I lose I do something for charity.


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Selfie time. *click click click*

I've got too many thoughts on my mind I have to get rid of them.

First, an lp'er sent me this video:

+ Show Spoiler +

It has gotten under my skin. I am still not sure what it means yet. I have thought about it all day. I was born, I grew up, I have to work, maybe I get some true leisure time in there and then I die. I can die at any moment. But, what is work? What is a paycheck? If nothing is actually real. It feels like I need to eat food and it feels like I need to have shelter. That's not really a meaning as much as it is a need. It almost seems like there is not even a lot of wisdom in it. It just is. I still don't know how I feel about this unrealness. This unrealness that science and philosophy reasons. But, apparently there is no reason, no meaning, and nothing is real. Then how can I be typing at my keyboard and other people can understand or not. This meaning of words again is an illusion. But, what if I want to live in this illusion? What is the benefit or disbenefit? It doesn't seem to matter. Nothing seems to matter. I am supposedly already whole. I can understand that. There are no puzzle pieces to uncover, there is nothing to find. I can get that. It just goes against everything I have been taught my entire life. What do you do if you are living in a dream and find out that nothing is real? How do you live that life?

German

I guess one thing I do is re-learn German. I don't even know what the end is I am just doing it for the sake of doing it. I guess my dream is to go to Berlin, read Byung-Chul Han, Nietzsche, Heidegger, Hegel, Kant, Kafka in there native language, and attend the University of the Arts (in Berlin). Those seem like big aspirations and I don't even know if it's possible. With enough help from Eros it is possible. I really don't particularly like frantic, hectic, work and I need some sort of out. I am already becoming a self-exploiting achievement-subject and I need to be careful.

Work

I think I am learning how to get into hectic rush mode, how to transition into break mode, and how to transition fully into sovereign leisure mode. It's almost not even possible on back to back days of work as that night or that next morning is hard to escape work and move into a sovereign leisure state. I need a solid day off or two to get back to my natural state of adante. A state of slow moving and passionate living. This hectic, always productive, always optimizing work is not natural. I would be lying if I said that it pleases me. There is a certain art and skill and a flow state to making pizzas and some of the interaction with the Other are pleasant but of course I wouldn't subject myself to it if I didn't have to eat food and want to sleep within a temperature modified dwelling. Wage slavery. I am renting my labor out in return for Geld. There is always that wonder if there is a better place for me. I really don't know. Ich bin möde. Ich habe keine Ahnung. Ich komme aus Müdigkeitgeselschaft.

Like, really how to we manage work? My dad was saying he loved that his work was something new every day and that he could work long hours because he enjoyed it. That feels like an illusion to me. The illusion of freedom that Han talks about but maybe it isn't. My current job has all the danger signs for burnout for me. How much production is enough? How much optimization is enough? I am already beating myself up over it and there will be a day that the sameness hits. This is all part of the self-exploitation. The nervousness and the anxiety. I wish I could turn it off but I can't. It feels that I have to seek something and I don't know how I turn that off either.

So, that is where I am at. I am trying to figure out what non-duality means. What it means in regards to my life and living this life. In relation to everything else I thought I found out about this life and continue to find out about this life.


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what was your finest hour?


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Great acting and production. 6.5/10
Good pace, cinematography great.
https://foundaz.com/2018/06/12/calibre-2018/ -trailer-info-cast
https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/M...zOTg@._V1_UX182_CR0,0,182,268_AL_.jpg


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I am typically always skeptical of the consensus. I am peculiar and individual but not quite Individual, not yet a person. However, I am undeniably me. I am an outsider. I appreciate my solitude and quiet. I am a flower open to light. These qualities will always be at odds with certain people and at odds with the Neoliberal way of life.

The problem with corporations is they are constantly seducing me into becoming a self-exploiting achievement-subject. I almost have to become one to do my job. I hear a whisper of 95% is not good enough. Another whisper that we have to be at 110% for our customers. We can be, we should be customer obsessed. We can this, we can that turns into we should, we should, we should. They want us fulfilled and pleased with benefits (so we become "empowered" to make the company more profitable at the expense of ourselves). *Sigh*

I'm caught writing a blog again too. *Sigh*

Where are my friends in this equation? My community?

I wish to study Philosophy and Cultural Studies at the University of Arts (in Berlin). Undergrad is free there (and perhaps graduate school) but my German is very rusty. That would be a joy in itself to improve my German. It is a wish to read Nietszche and Kafka in German. So, what would I need? I would need a plane ticket, a place to stay, food, health insurance, money for books, etc. I am unsure how I would go about procuring a loan for that.

This form of communication is so fucked and I am likely only fucking myself imbibing. It was out of compulsion more than anything. Even though it felt like I could type myself free there is no real freedom there. The thing is I will appreciate a dialogue and discussion that is also kind of fucked. Lacking any gaze or voice it is still the opinion of the Other. I still think it's better than Facebook and Twitter. I like and dislike the idea of all the impassive ghosts floating through viewing my blog and not filling up the white space with words and sentences. Hopefully, I won't go hyper this time around and fill up that space myself. I've always been just a guy trying to live life.


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I was doing some thinking. Perhaps many of you are on the right track. It does seem a little ridiculous to share every last feeling on this small, niche website. I think about sharing value but I am unsure if there is any value to share. The obvious would be poker wisdom but I am sure the game has mostly passed me up. Someone could just read Barry Greenstein's "Ace on the River" or more wisely do a ton of work with the solvers. I don't know how I feel really about giving poker suggestions anyways. It is a pretty cool strategy game and a means to be more autonomous. Not a bad way to make a living but I believe it is romanticized in many regards. I don't know. I am just a part-time grocery store worker barely covering the most humble of expenses.... I shouldn't use that phrase as there are others on even lower expenses than me. The point is I don't consume a whole lot. I am perhaps more peaceful and content than I've ever been. It's a bit different. When I am on a speed boat flying across the ocean to go to a beach party in Malta and everyone is drunk and high and coked up that is a different feeling. Maybe I miss that wild and free feeling but it doesn't matter. I have to live a different life these days.

It is a bit mad to think I was posting vomit on here every day or every few days. Maybe this is vomit too. I need to find coping mechanisms that don't include THAT. I do get bored though. I do like to engage in different discussions on here. I am not sure if there is enough inspiring content on here anymore.

I was thinking about doing an AMA but I don't know if we have enough people or if anyone would be interested in that.

I sometimes get bored without content on LP is all. "Handmaid's Tale" and "Infinite Jest" only get me so far some days.

Oh well, I think it's about time I eat chips and salsa for lunch. The salsa is so good that's all I want to eat.


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https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/...2dc96a5fdaff97e8488b28ade&oe=5BE27C1C


sup fellas~

On Sunday, July 1, I will be flying back to Seoul, South Korea, for the first time in 8.5 years. I will be in Seoul until July 31.

While I have a packed schedule ahead of me, I am interested in meeting up with those of you who are still in Korea. I'll still be watching UFC events while I'm in Korea, so if you want to watch those with me, we can do that and drink some beers and talk some shit (UFC starts at 7am/8am in Korea).

In regard to the UFC threads, I'll try to post them all (5 in total) before I leave to Korea. Nothing should change in regard to me being active during UFC events, aside from not being able to play in DraftKings events due to the country restriction.


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Traveling on very little sleep is unpleasant. I had barely any room on the plane. All hunched over and drooling half a sleep like someone full of psych meds in the psych ward.

I slept 13 hours last night. I needed it but I think I am carrying a bit of grogginess from sleeping that many hours.

I am going to a welcome party tonight for one of my best friends from college and his future wife. I have never met her. I have never met a lot of the people going to the wedding. That causes some anxiety for me. It will be good to see my suite mates from university though. I am just kind of killing time before I can burn any physical energy I have in the gym.

I get to enjoy this weekend and then get my ass into gear on getting a job. It's about that time. I believe it was nice to step out for a bit and get a lot of reading in. I believe it pushed me forward as a human being. Not that I am going to stop reading altogether but it might be geared to more novels and I may have to hit the job networking trail in AA. Not that that every worked in the past. Meaningful work is something I may have never had ever and I don't know what the chances are of me finding it now. That is depressing. Sometimes there does not seem like hope for me in the future. I think I need to help people and be a political activist. I think that might be my only way out. I am not prolific enough in any form of art to transcend time enough of the time.

I just write these damn blogs. Sometimes I'm in it. Sometimes like today it is just sort of happening. I feel better though. I'm making a wager that I will have a good time tonight at dinner. Who really knows? I made a wager that I would have a good time on a family vacation and it was overall a splendid time. There is something about family and good friends that the gut just says it will work out. Even if we just talk about old stories that will be good enough for me. I think where I have issue is MY future. I can talk about the future. I love talking about the future but where I will fit into that future is where it gets troublesome. I don't want to be some guy working shitty jobs and living with his parents forever. All I can be is me and not care what other people think about me. I can always just be a recluse and read books. I have been there before and am not afraid to be there in the future.


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I am sitting in an airport tired. Surrounded by all the disjointed conversations. I got very little sleep because I was up until the early morning sharing conversation with my sister, brother and brother-in-law.

On Children:

I have never been that engulfed by childrens' energy before. They are at times delightful and at times equally or more so unpleasant. I don't know though. I was giving my one nephew a good bye hug and he said "I wuv you onkle Rishard." It's hard not to love that little guy. Given that they are already here we might as well make the best of it.

On Jamie Dimon:

My brother idolizes this guy. Jamie is his owner and master. I have gotten into it in the past over the 2008 fiasco and bitcoin but didn't really have the facts on the former. I was pretty pissed last night sitting there listening to him fawn over this fucking douchebag criminal but I didn't actually have any evidence to support my position and even if I did I am not sure I would want to unleash it. I am too tired to go searching for lucid sources right now but assuming I do should I unleash the evidence on my brother if he starts talking about what a genius CEO his company has?




Overall, it was a good trip. I don't get to spend quality time like that with my family basically ever anymore. I am looking forward to getting back home though. I really was missing some peace and quiet. I bet when I get the peace and quiet I will be missing some of the activity.


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I suppose the prolificness of my blog writing has slowed down as of late. I have been traveling a lot and have not had much of a chance to post. It is a good thing.

I wanted to write about Father's Day. Bullshit is the first word that comes to mind. Celebrating natalism with more consumerism. Celebrating false immortality projects and God-complexes. "Exploit new markets or better exploit current ones" -Marx . Deuces.


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So, I am up in the middle of the night again.

I feel like telling the story of how I lost my virginity. I was extremely drunk. Surprise, surprise. We were at a strip club in Argentina which is really just a front for prostitution. This prostitute was very persuasive. I still to this day have not been kissed like that. We go to a motel. I am blindingly drunk, nervous, exited, seduced. I sit on the bed and she does a strip tease. She unbuttons my jeans and I take off my shirt. She gives me the best blow job of my life while fingering my prostate. I am in bliss. I remember feeling a little violated with a finger in my bumhole but it felt quite good so I just laid back and relaxed. After a while, pretty much when I was adequately hard she sat on my dick and rode me like a stallion. I wouldn't call myself a stallion. I'm no pornstar and certainly not in that moment. In that moment I was just an alcoholic nerd with anxiety problems fulfilling his dream to get laid by an attractive woman. Actually, she wasn't even all that attractive but her body was phenomenal. Large breasts that were bouncing when she was riding me and occasionally she would smother me with them as if it were a lap dance. I didn't last very long and had quite an enjoyable orgasm. I remember she took the condom off my penis and ate the semen straight from the condom. I was like what the fuck is she doing? That's kind of hot. Why do I think that's kind of hot?

She asked if I wanted to take a shower with her. I said no and got the hell out of there. I don't know if I carried a shame around with me. I was really just happy that I had finally lost my virginity and had gotten that out of the way.

I think I do carry a shame around with me with the amount of sexual partners I've had. I was supposed to be this sexually promiscuous playboy and I was not. The thing is when I have sex it is freeing in the moment and it is fun but even though I carry with me a certain confidence and feel good surrounding the experience I tend to feel a certain loneliness and emptiness even if the woman is lying there right next to me. Especially if she is lying there next to me. I enjoy the smell of her hair on the pillow the next morning after she has gone. I think I carry with me a certain swagger but then there is also a deep existential loneliness. Sex was supposed to liberate me. Take me to a higher plane. It was supposed to be the solution and sadly it is not. I have a hole in my soul and sex is not the missing puzzle piece. It's important for me to have a sane dating life and ideally monogamous relationships. We have been through this many times I believe but it is something I have to hammer home. I have to watch it with substances, gambling, capitalism, materialism, consumerism, sex, et al. The substances seem actually pretty easy these days. I just abstain. But, I constantly have to make wagers in an uncertain world, deal in a capitalist society, and I have to consume to some degree. I don't have to take part in any materialistic mirage anymore. I supposed I can abstain from sex but I think I can be "right sized" about it. Time will tell. It's more freeing letting go some of these toxic masculine cultural norms than it is to come inside of a women or on her or on some sheets.


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I feel cramped.

I have the blinds open, and the sun is glaring at me. It feels good, but i know there is so much more to be had. I am typing out on here, as one of the few means that i still have, to express myself and have open communication with those around me. Because i have been sheltered for the past couple of months. I want to say that i've only been playing this silly game, and that's what it is, but i know that that's actually a lie.

Because when i do see, those of whom i call my friends, when they ask me how i've been, i get uncomfortable. I only want to tell them about my goals, about what i've been doing, but not about how i actually feel.

What do i say? How do you want me to answer that? Would you understand? I don't want to become a burden.

These are the kinds of thoughts that go through my mind. And that's because, i've been in a pretty dark mood lately. I've been getting frustrated and all, and i think i know what the right way is, the right path. But it's so difficult to go with that, and it's so much easier to have a narrative, a story. That you have you and your past, and that all that you do is about that, done because of that. And you tell yourself, it's just one more thing. It's just one more mistake to add on to my list of mistakes. But that's unhealthy. And all of which you tell yourself only becomes larger, and more uncontrollable.

So what's the deal. Why am i this way?

Well, perhaps its because i am still attached to all of that which has happened. Or maybe it's because i'm just flat out depressed. But from what i know, it's time for a change, it's time for something different. And not only in mindset, but in action as well.

I write this all out, not because i want to be heard. I mean, of course i would appreciate that, in the very same way that i appreciate whoever it is who is reading this. But for today, the reason i write is because i just want to put it all out there for once. If i'm not going to tell anyone about what goes on, then this is the least i can do.

And so, I can only hope that my words don't weigh as heavily on you, as they do on me.

But.

It's because it's easy to be tempted, and it's easy to give in. That's why. And it's easy to tell yourself what you've been telling yourself all of this time. It feels good.

But i've realized. It's far better to let go of it all. And that's what i should probably do now.

Because you are not that which has happened. You are only the you, the you who is here now. The you, who feels genuine concern, over the well-being of yourself, and of others. The you, who wishes that it was different, but in reality, is still centering around his past, his mistakes.

And so, it's time to let go of it all for once. It's time to be good to yourself, and to be kind to yourself. It's time to finally let go of that which you think is perfect, of that finely-tuned image of who you should and shouldn't be.

Because you don't have to live up to anything anymore. You don't have to keep pretending. You can become the person you want to be, right here, right now. This is why you feel the way that you do. There IS no standard, there is nothing that you HAVE to do. It's not because of that time, or that moment that went the other way. It's because of that which you've been telling yourself. That you aren't good enough, and that you weren't good enough. But the truth is, you are wrong. And i'm going to tell you that today, that you ARE wrong. Because you ARE good enough, Kevin.

So forget that. And forget about all of the experiences that have told you otherwise. You ARE good enough, and you deserve to feel that way.

So quit feeling so down. Quit moping around. Smile. Enjoy what you're doing. Because you're actually fortunate enough to be able to. There are others who are less fortunate and they're only trying to get by. Your issues are only in your mind. You have food and drink, you have good company, and all you have to do is sit around and play video games all day.

So yeah. It's not about your analysis. It's not about your worry. And it sure isn't about your issues. So go out there, have fun, and do what you love doing.

Be happy


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I feel that I should write this to see if it works. I am still a little amped up after my job interview today.

I have been anxious about it mildly. This morning I passed the time and woke up like I always do with some Monster Energy Drinks and LP. There were no aesthetic concerns in the gym whatsoever today. Oh, by the way, sorry Loco, I was on Tinder and a girl had Avicii "True" on her album list or whatever it is and I thought to myself "was that album as shitty as I remember?" so I listened to "True" and it was as shitty as I remembered but then I felt bad because I think Avicii killed himself because he wanted to be a true musician but was not BUT he was incredible at curating music. That was his talent. He was making a new album which probably sucked and he knew it and he would rather kill himself than go on tour as a DJ. Of course, there is depression and alcoholism involved in that story too but I always felt like Avicii was my brother. Anyways, that may have gotten rather long winded but the point is I listened to Avicii's INSPIRATION mix on Spotify instead of Dead Congregation this morning for my lifting session.

So, yeah, no aesthetic concerns today I was going full throttle. My goal was to expend as much energy as possible over the course of training. I got that lovely rush of feel good chemicals and that sweaty, tired but energized haze. I love that. I got some post workout nutrition and then started looking at the sweet shop's webpage. Then I decided to read some "Infinite Jest." Then I got lost in "infinite Jest." Thankfully I set an alarm clock or I would have just kept on reading. I've been watching some of his (David Foster Wallace) interviews on YouTube and I love this guy. Truly love this guy. I love the way he reacts to stupid questions. I love his facial ticks when he is self-conscious about the answer he just gave. I love what he has to say. I love what he has to write. A truly beautiful human being.

Ok. So, now I am snapped back to reality that I have a job interview in a little bit. The anxiety starts to sink in. I was actually pretty nervous on the ride down. Then there is crazy beach traffic as it started to rain and everyone is trying to leave. I still get there at a reasonable time. I am feeling ok actually. The General Manager is late so now I have to sit and be tortured for who knows how long. A friendly woman gets me some water. My hand is shaking as I drink the water. Some mixture of nerves, anxiety, and perhaps my lithium levels being too high but my lithium seems to exacerbate any adrenaline, anxiety, caffeine, etc. anyways with hand tremors even at a normal level. I decide to just start texting anyone I can. I am actually quite funny when I am in that mode. Finally, the GM says hi and shakes my hand. I'm surprisingly not that nervous or anxious. Just a good amount. Maybe I was too intense. But, I can be an intense person. Oh, I have to tell you this. What felt right to me at the time was what I wear pretty much every day. Black t-shirt, flowery linen shorts, and sandals. I figure if they don't like me so be it. I thought the interview went ok. The GM loves Argentina too so we started off on a good chat about that. He made a positive comment about my sandals being Havainas. I applied to work in the sweet shop. Basically serving ice cream to people. I figure it's something to do and I can learn about how a shop like that runs. My sister and brother-in-law are thinking about opening up a coffee shop and I thought it would be awesome to help them do that but I want experience so there I was at the interview and it turns out they need someone in the kitchen. It sounds like they need people bad in the kitchen and I am like fuck. It's funny because the restaurant portion is actually one of the best restaurants in the city. If I was looking to be a chef this would be a dream but I am not looking to be a chef and I am not sure I can stomach being in a kitchen again. Fuck. So, now I am interviewing with the Sous Chef and he is a cool guy. Oh, also I told them that I only want to work 30 hours a week and they are kind of scratching their heads. That is the minimum hours for benefits and he kind of gives me this speech that they are looking for serious people that take this seriously for 40-50 hours a week and I was like I don't know what to tell you I'd like to see what it's like first and ideally be cross trained on different things. There was a lot we talked about. Then we talked about our love of coastal Maine and then we said our goodbyes and I was free to walk to my car and get the hell out of there.

I was amped. Really amped. Fuck. I don't know what to do. I talked to my parents. They both think I should take whatever job they offer me and maneuver to other jobs once I'm in. That seems reasonable. Fuck. I don't know what to do. Let's get some fresh air and go to the beach and give the dog a walk. I was like totally in myself. Contemplating everything. Fuck. I don't know what to do. So, here I am now writing and I am feeling better. I still don't really know what to do. "But, you just wanted to chill out and help run a small sweet shop." "You're a misfit. Misfits are made for the kitchen. It's more money. The Sous Chef was cool. Think of what it would be like working under those chefs at one of the best restaurants in the city." Fuck. I don't know what to do. He's going to call in a couple of days. What the hell do I say?

You know the one thing about today is I am pretty sure I was completely honest about what I felt at the time. So, really, I should feel pretty good.

Life was the fucking WORST sitting there driving into the shop late and then having to sit in there and wait for 30 min. Fucking agony. I think only people with anxiety know what I am talking about. I mean most people have anxiety but I am still sitting there wondering if the panic attack is going to go off. It's not like I ever known when. I mean I know the warning signs but it can hit me like a strike of lightning. I think it might be confined to AA which it still feels like my life is terrible and why do I have to go through this but I'll take today. I'll take it.

I think it was good that I was honest and held my ground on some points. I'm not putting up with manipulation. He basically said working part time is high school, childish shit and for teenagers. I would rather work 30 hours a week than 40 hours a week right now. The negotiations were a little weird to be honest. Actually, a lot of the interview was a little weird to be honest. I am a bit of an oddball. He's trying to fill a 40-50 hour/wk prep cook job and I am being difficult. It's mostly because I don't know what I want to do. I think I have some leverage because I'm willing to walk if I don't get what I want. The problem is I don't know what I want. They have leverage because I don't have any other offers on the table at the moment which they know because I told them the truth and they are one of the best restaurants in the city BUT they may have an inkling that I'm a crazy fuck and will throw it all away and I don't actually care that they are one of the best restaurants in the city because I don't have any aspirations of becoming a chef. That's not entirely true. I've never been a line cook or a junior Sous Chef. That kind of gets me interested at this calibre restaurant. We are back at this. It would be amazing for my resume if I wanted to be a chef but I don't want to be a chef but culinary arts is kind of interesting but being a prep cook sucks so what do I fucking do?

All this ruminating and they might like someone more than me. But, he did say he would call in a couple of days so I hope some sort of strategy develops and that I can make the right wager. Which will probably just be me being honest about how I feel at the time. I don't know any other way to live.


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We do what we do, not realizing our suffering. I tell you. It is that which turns and keeps all doing what we do. It hides, it binds. It is not for our good.

And so, why is it that we keep moving towards this direction. It is clear, this is not the path. For it is among the very failures that we have felt that have told us of our own shortcomings. It is futile, it is pointless.

And i wake up today, striving yet again. The same defeat i have once faced, is yet again, that of the past. I continue onwards on my journey, seeing the suffering, enduring the suffering.

Because i do not know or see past it all. That feeling of calm, of bliss. That was only temporary. It is not enough.

I am not enough.


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