I don't know. I felt like writing a journal. Figured I would do it on here. If I get comments great. If not then at least I spent some time writing some things out.
I was doing some spring cleaning and found a garbage bag full of what was my sock drawer. I had an excessive amount of condoms in there. I think I bought so many because I got a good deal but also because I thought that was going to be my life when I moved near Chicago. Well, they were sitting in that bag expired before I threw them all away. My clothes too were different. I definitely didn't have it figured out. Will I ever have it figured out? Is all we can hope for is to be present in meditation? I mean I am sitting here writing this blog. I am grasping. I am gasping. Yet, I feel comfortable.
Masturbating and eating too much are probably my biggest vices at this point. That isn't so bad. Sometimes I have anxiety attacks when calling people on the phone. That's weird I don't know where that came from. Similarly, I get anxiety attacks sometimes maybe all of the time when reading in a recovery meeting or if I am going to share. It's just weird and it's frustrating and it's tiresome.
Sometimes going online offers some relief but most of the time it is just nothing. I go to LP and there is almost always nothing nowadays. I go to facebook which I regret getting back on and it is just the same old stuff. Nothing substantial whatsoever. In fact, I am going to deactivate now. Deactivated. Then I go to reddit r/gonewild and just scroll through. Just scroll on through. I don't even masturbate I just scroll. Then sometimes I go to pornhub and just watch clips. Then sometime I masturbate. That pretty much sums up my activities online. When I am in the grips of that cycle if I go through that cycle and get bored with it at some point I am in complete existential despair. I mean not really but it is like the circuitry in my brain can't handle it. I need some type of stimulus. It's basically just what I do when I get home from work. I sit down and get hooked. Then after I eat a meal or something I have to let the food digest a bit before I can lie down and read a book.
And, I am sitting here writing a blog instead of going to an AA meeting and sort of complaining about the whole thing. I have to do something if I don't go to a recovery meeting. Oh man, we have definitely been through this before. I feel like I am growing as a person and figuring some things out but my life can sometimes seem like some vicious loop cycle. It's like one has to figure things out and get ahead of the curve in certain areas. When I got ahead of the curve in poker that was good but I fell behind the curve in other areas that were important. Or, I am just being me. If I am being honest there are just sometimes I'd rather just chill on the internet and read a book than go out with people I don't know too well. What I would really like to do is get really really high and watch some Planet Earth. That's the truth and that's a problem for an addict like me.
Oh well, tomorrow I can deadlift. Everything is right in the world when I am deadlifting. I think my food has digested enough to start reading. Until next time.
I feel like things are not that good? I mean I continue to write blog posts that few will read and almost none comment on. I mean that is a small part of my life but I think it takes power from me. I really think being on facebook is disempowering as well. It's just bullshit I don't need. Who to add, who to not add. I haven't seen any events that I am missing out on yet either. The most de-energizing is to get caught just scrolling through my feed like a mindless zombie just not even entertained or really just pissed off I got hooked. Fuck it. I'll use it as email and patiently wait for all these events I'm supposedly missing out on.
What I need to be doing is crushing it at work and then get over to the Charleston Tibetan Center to do some meditation under the guidance of a Buddhist teacher and then grab some dinner with a friend at a bomb ass diner.
Blogging kind of feels like a junk activity. I will probably still do it just because I am hooked but right now I am not happy about it. So, I will stop.
I turned 34 today. I have celebrated by going to a therapist appointment, picking up my car in the shop, paying a $600 car bill, and then coming home to have some lunch and then finally to have a wank to r/gonewild. I think it's more interesting just to look at and observe. I feel a similar feeling to when I eat a fast food burger and fries with a huge sweet tea. Which I haven't done in two months which is pretty good. So, I am still trying to get outside myself and looking for instant gratification. I really want to do shroom therapy. I wish that was more of a thing.
So, my relationship with AA and the people in AA seems like a tenuous one. My therapist recommended that I go to different recovery like something called Refuge Recovery. She also suggested that I volunteer in something I am passionate about. The first thing that came out of my mouth was homeless people and addicts. I think that is probably true. Why not attempt to help some of the people that have been beaten down and battered by the system? Does anyone on here volunteer? I would be interested in the possibilities.
I ate so much chocolate cake last night it feels like I gained 5 lbs. I wouldn't say my campaign to drop some body fat is hopeless but it certainly could be going better. Also, when I went for a run I acquired hideous shin splints and had to stop running at about 2 miles in. On the bright side the cardio wasn't an issue so that is good. I was running pretty slow though. Hopefully, the shin splints subside but I am not sure why they would unless I change something.
I don't get controlled or dominated at work so that is good. A part of me longs for more meaningful work though. I know we probably don't want to go down this road as we have been already it's just something that came to my mind and something I have to remedy. Volunteering could potentially help with this problem. I still need something that is going to cover rent, food, car expenses, dental work, etc etc etc. I was really doing pretty well until I ran over a nail and went to the dentist for the first time in a long time. I had first and last month's rent with a security deposit but my current income just can't cover it. I guess I just have to accept that and put in the work to likely improve the situation or don't and continue to live with my parents. We have almost certainly been through this before. How does it feel to be 34 and living with my parents? If I remove the ego it really isn't that bad.
Connecting with people sounds so easy on paper but it is actually pretty damn difficult to do.
Do I have hope in my future? I really don't know. I think I might be getting a little depressed and I have been dealing with anxiety. It fucking sucks. Life is hard sometimes.
Wow, what an uplifting birthday post.
I am at a turning point. I am stuck in Charleston, SC. I do not have the funds to move somewhere anytime soon. So, I make the best of it and attempt to make it home or at least an understanding that it is a base and I need the training here. Or, I just drift miserably through life as if this place is a prison or purgatory. The hardest part about depression and anxiety is that it hinders connection. Connection is the last fucking thing you want to do but reconnecting in certain areas are the only anti-depressants that actually work.
I just finished this book and it was ok. Basically, reconnect to people, meaningful work, meaningful values, do shrooms and meditate, overcome trauma, etc. A lot of what the book was saying is that the social constructs of our world create depression and anxiety. There is a reason we are depressed and anxious and it is because of the world around us. So, it's a tough one because a lot of this stuff is kind of far fetched. One guy was miserable working in a hierarchical bike shop so he started his own bike shop collective. Everyone was happier. Stories like that are great but not always transferrable. Things like avoiding advertising or just understanding that the chase for material goods and status may only bring more depression and anxiety. Another far fetched one was shroom therapy. I would love shroom therapy and I am actually going to ask my psychiatrist about it the next time I talk to her but I am not a good candidate because of my mania unfortunately (I asked my last psychiatrist). Just going out and buying a bunch of shrooms and tripping by myself doesn't seem to have the same therapeutic value as a trip led by an expert.
It actually isn't that easy (for me) to connect with people here. I have met some cool people in AA. The thing about AA is most of those folks believe that a God is controlling their will and they can manipulate that with prayer and are pretty adamant about it. It can be kind of tough to fit in at a deeper level when I hold pretty much atheist compatibilist views. We have so much more in common than that difference but it just seems like that difference is basically the foundation of AA. I can feel the depression and the anxiety coming on a little bit as I sleep more and my days consist mostly of going to work and isolating at home. Jiu jitsu cures all (except injuries accrued through jiu jitsu).
I am getting to know the people down there at the BJJ gym. It helps that it is a smaller gym. Sometimes I worry I am losing respect as a training partner because I am so bad. One guy said we should pick up the pace but he doesn't understand I may not have that pace in my repertoire. Eh, I mean it's all ego killing. Anytime I enter the mats I am vulnerable. My ego is going to be hurt in some way. I think it is good for me.
Overcoming addiction to the self. Sometimes I get the urge to write blogs like this. Just to kind of formulate my thoughts or whatever. Looking back the practice seems a little self-obsessed but I am really just trying to get through some things, maybe grow as a person, or figure something out. I don't know if it accomplishes that or anything. I am just trying to reconnect to what I can reconnect to. Depression and anxiety is no fun. Addiction is no fun.
In AA one of the parts of the "illness" is the "spiritual malady" which in the book they basically describe as a lack of God but from my experiences that malady is basically depression and anxiety. Alcohol is an anti-depressant for as long as it works but what we need is this reconnection that Johann Hari is talking about.
Is this Maynarde caster the same as NTT, Maynard etc from LP?
I'm watching this guy at Katowice and was wondering how he got this job. Maynard/NTT was great obviously and I assume that's the same guy from LP. On the other hand I remember he was in NYU becoming a lawyer and some other stuff. But this might be the same fellow?
So, I have been training BJJ a bit heavier recently. Really good training. Coach pushes me very well. I am starting to realize my weak point is cardio and weight so it makes sense to add some cardio workouts and make sure to keep the diet relatively clean. I developed some tendinitis in my left arm getting arm locked and lifting heavy weights so that is another reason to back off a bit on the weights. I was definitely overtraining a bit. I don't necessarily feel it during workouts but afterwords I have to be pretty disciplined in icing my elbow joint. I want to experiment with CBD. I also miss marijuana. I went on a nice walk today in nature with my dog and would have loved just a couple of hits or so off of a joint of good weed. Listen to some Erykah Badu or Enya or some Marley. Relax after a tough training session with a volcano and some Planet Earth. I think it would be great to roll on a light dose of edibles as well.
I had a dream last night that I was going to live in the Smokey Mountains in Tennessee. I watched a House Hunters International in Chile and Costa Rica. I just have a feeling I need to get to some mountains, rivers, and lakes and potentially beaches all within a bike ride or even a long hike. A 15-20min drive in my Subaru Forester would be acceptable as well. Where I am at now just feels like a base where I am building myself. Building myself for what exactly? What's the difference. I feel like I am at Richard 10.4 and this is just what I am supposed to be doing right now. Distancing myself a bit from the hardcore AA crowd while still having some presence. Sticking with Jiu Jitsu and getting into great shape. Building more and more connections. Quality connections. Giving myself more opportunity in potential meaningful work. Building more trust at work so I have more freedom. I don't want to get too carried away with the writing right now so I need to groom and go out to lunch. Peace.
There were a couple hands recently played that get added to my list of favorite poker hands ever, and I thought some people here would enjoy them. I am fortunate enough to have a peer group of pro poker players who never take themselves seriously, and sometimes some ridiculous situations spawn out of that. Both of these hands were played at perhaps the worst run casino I've ever been at (although with fairly good action), and both involve the same friend. He is on the maniac side, overly loose and aggressive, although people are scared of him and think he is dangerous. Game is $5/10 $2500 max.
Hand 1
Lojack opens to $35, my friend flats on the button, big-blind flats [hole-cards to come at end].
Flop Initial raiser bets $70, friend calls, big blind folds.
Turn Initial raiser checks, the dealer prematurely deals out the jack of clubs. My friend asks "so if I check the card stays there right", the dealer nods her head, and he snap checks.
River Preflop raiser bets $120, my friend raises to $450, guy folds, and pushes his cards towards the muck. Floor is walking nearby, and the guy and one of his friends now choose to grab the floor and ask about the spot. The floor then rules that premature river should never have been there and can't play, so he has the dealer push back the guy his 2 cards, shuffle the back into the deck, and go back to my friend's action on the:
Turn #2 my friend then decides to bet instead (around $110 I think), villain calls.
River #2 river goes check-check, preflop raiser flips over AJ while my friend flips over AhTc, and AJ wins.
Hand 2
Different day, different dealer.
Big blind kicks off the hand by looking at his hand and mucking it, thinking he was UTG not realizing that the person to his right was waiting for the button to pass to post. Dealer says he needs to post his $10, guy says it's bullshit he didn't know, he doesn't want to post the $10. In the meantime, first 2 positions fold, and it gets to my friend in middle position who peels the T6o. Friend tells the guy who mucked the big-blind "here man, don't worry, you can play my hand" and ships him his 2 cards. This is even more funny to me because the probability of my friend shipping him a hand that is REMOTELY playable (like even T8o) is 0. Cutoff raises to $30, button calls, and dealer does absolutely nothing as the big blind decides to defend with his newly acquired T6o.
Hey everybody. I started playing poker recently and learning the game more in depth.
I have beat NL5z on stars for 6bb/100 (20k hands) and have moved up to NL10z where I have been having more difficulty. The fish are passive and the regs nitty but it's not been as trivial to beat this stake.
So the purpose of this blog is to improve quickly and harness the collective wisdom on this site by posting hand histories for review. Hopefully I can find some interesting spots even at NL10 for you guys!
Do i get this song // help ?by PplusAD, February 18
yesterday i stumbled upon this song while watching some twitch stream
I found it to have quite an nice atmosphere.
Still i somehow think i am not sure i get the meaning of the lyrics right.
The official word is that the song is about the process of a relationship falling apart.
___________________________________________________
I'm not gonna try and make it even
You're way ahead by now
I'm not gonna try and make it all even
Even though I know how
___________________________________________________
First part i think is about 2 people in a relationship where one of them has done some things that does seperate both in a very harsh way.
One possible and obvious option is that one of the two has cheated on the other several times while the other has stayed faithful.
This would fit perfectly since the only way to make them even again would be by person B starting to cheat, too
but B realizes that he was cheated so often that its a long way to goo till they would be even again.
and he is not willing to do it.
_____________________________________________________________
And everyone thinks I dodged a bullet
But I think I shot the gun
And everyone thinks I dodged a bullet
But I think I shot the gun
I guess its about how people from the outside see them as a couple.
Everyone thinks they have overcome a crisis and are in the process of fixing stuff to get along well again . (Dodged the bullet)
But he thinks he did finally decide to quit for real. (Has not done it yet but decided to do so)
__________________________________________________________
I'm not gonna tell my new friends about you
No, I'm gonna let that slide
I'm gonna be lazy when I write about you
Even though it takes all my might
_________________________________________________________________________
Person B is starting a process of seperation
He will try to cut out Person A of his daily life bit by bit.
Allthough it obviously will be hard
_____________________________________________________________
I'm gonna get back to believing
It's been a long, long time now
I'm gonna get up and make it look easy
Even though I don't know how
Last part is about him trying to get his shit together and "attacking" life again
Getting confidence in himself back after getting hurt and lost in the relationship for a long time
He is motivating himself to get up and make it look easy
And of course right now while he is down ...the vision of his happy self confident future him is just a picture he likes to draw .
He is not yet knowing how it will work out.
Did i get this right ?
Somehow makes sense
but i am obviously not a native speaker so i might have gotten some things wrong
I've never really been one to use pre-session routines.
Feel like playing, tables are there?
Fuck yea I'm not wasting my time, let's jump in!
But let's face it, my volume has either been less than stellar to say the least if I play in a great state only.
Or great but quality would falter, and I used to be in this ever lasting hype/burnout cycle until I started 3-4 tabling over a year ago.
Well you know what?
Maybe it is time to do more cheesy shit that the mental coaches tell you to do.
As Zig ziglar said, it is much easier to stay up than get up.
Is motivation permanent? Well of course not, but neither is bathing and he's always said he hopes people don't give up on that either.
What triggered this though? Well I downloaded a Sia album for grinding
And here there it was, this gem of a song:
There is something about hearing the words and then seeing the lyrics on screen and singing along that really pushes it into your brain.
I started being that crazy person you definitely don't want to work out at the gym next to.
Hogging the elyptical machine
Breathing heavier than a poodle trying to pork Lassie
Headphones in ignoring everything besides the sweaty butts of people and couples playing squash on the court downstairs
And singing his madman karaoke to a song only he hears
While fistpumping the air, bobbing to the rhytm and drumming on the controls.
And you knwo what? I love it, I did the same in the morning today.
ignore everything else, put the song to the screen and sing and dance like a madman,
with an unplugged microphone in my hand.
and here you go - I'm ready to conquer the day and take on the world.
If only I could remember next time I'm on my way down so I can just stay up instead of trying to get up
$30.000 profit at PPI Poker in 2018by Mr.Dee, January 31
Hi,
I am 28 years old profesional poker player and my real name is George.
I played poker mabye 8 years started from freeroll across all formats and I fouded MTTs are type that I am most comfortable with.
I play most tournaments on GG network site on PPI Poker to be specific. I choose that sites about year ago because of large overlays, planty asian gamblers and player friendly software with many intresting fearures.
- Make at least $30k profit in play+leaderboards MTT only
- Reach top 5 most profit MTT players at GGnetwork in 2018 by SharkScope
- Be at least top 20 in tournament leaderboard
- ***win 5 figures prize at PokerStars in Suday sessions***
Life goals for 2018 are:
- No alcohol to end of March
- Workout 3 times a week minimum
- Move to Ukraine or Thailand for 3 months
- improve my english
- Learn russian
- Learn to Draw ( I can only draw stickman but I believe almost everything can be learned)
- Learn few songs on guitar
- keep my beard growing :cool:
I will be add post 1-2 a week maybe more related of my progress in poker and life goals stuff.
Here I go again. I just spent all day with an old friend and I am stuck at the hotel... but am I really stuck at the hotel? There is nothing better to do usually always means THERE IS SOMETHING BETTER TO DO! But, in all seriousness I can't be bothered thinking about what else I could be doing. I already played that game. It is rainy and miserable outside. I wanted to climb a mountain today! Give me a rock. I'll beat that puss Sisyphus up the hill like you wouldn't believe. With a smile on my face. This is part of the hike. The part where I just write for a really long time. Turn back now. There is nothing to see here folks.
On busyness, on what is the optimal path:
You know, my friend was talking about when he lived in Chicago how fast paced everything was. He had to be out doing stuff. He could not say no and today he mentioned about spending all day yesterday just knocking out things on his to do list. What is more valuable? I suppose it's about priorities. What if I like being out with friends? What if I want to get stuff done for the betterment. The betterment of what?
We went to a coffee shop and sat at the bar. I had a white tea. We talked about direct reports, my alcoholism, marriage, stress, stress relief, what is the good life? What is the good life?
Fight clubs and art and hurricane romance...
Fight clubs and art and hurricane romance
Maybe that can quell the bossman's oppression. A hike in nature. An intense roll. Anna Karenina. I am like a broken record.
What if we all decided not to pay taxes? If it was a pay what you want affair. Everything open sourced. Affairs handled by smaller networks. No borders, no boundaries. What if we all decided not to go to work tomorrow?
One of the bummers in life is that not everything is going to be some great transcendental experience. I just ate dinner with my parents. We had virtually nothing to catch up about. They went to tour some decadent mansion (Biltmore) while I spent the day catching up with a great friend with some really stimulating conversation. The reason I didn't go to the mansion is that it repulses me and I have no interest yet I had to sit through dinner hearing all about the details of the place. The food was good. The food was interesting. The things we humans do to fancy ourselves. I had a chile relleno filled with butternut squash over a curried lentil with a chutney sauce. Does that turn people on? How do I relive the good parts of today? Seek out all my old college buddies and do lunch? It is the addict in me. It is the restlessness in me. I want action and I want relief when I want it. And, I don't want to sit and meditate. I didn't train today. I didn't train yesterday. I am building for a massive deadlifting session to L'enfant Sauvages. It is the heaviest matter in the universe. I will be fine tomorrow morning when I am hiking mountains. Wake up at dawn or so, have a little breakfast with some coffee and get back to the forests where I need to be. Shinrin yoku is the Japanese art of forest bathing. Yes, I wish to bathe in forests. I want to get really good with firearms too. It almost seems like it is a weird time to just want to get really good with firearms but I feel like it is something to do.
I refuse to watch Netfix or play video games but listening to music and just typing my thoughts seems rather perverse. Where is this going? I wouldn't be here if there was stuff to comment on about order and chaos and competence and dominance hierarchies or something else. I have to let my food settle before I can lay down and read. I just had a thought that jumping out of my 4th floor room window would put an end to it all. It would wouldn't it but I want to wake up and have that coffee and go on that hike.
Where should/can I play live poker in NYC? Gonna be there for a week (standup course, courtesy of my gf for 30th birthday ) so wouldn't mind playing some poker. I'm looking to play like 1/2 deepstacked or 2/4ish. Thanks!
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Initial raiser bets $70, friend calls, big blind folds. 
Initial raiser checks, the dealer prematurely deals out the jack of clubs. My friend asks "so if I check the card stays there right", the dealer nods her head, and he snap checks. 
Preflop raiser bets $120, my friend raises to $450, guy folds, and pushes his cards towards the muck. Floor is walking nearby, and the guy and one of his friends now choose to grab the floor and ask about the spot. The floor then rules that premature river should never have been there and can't play, so he has the dealer push back the guy his 2 cards, shuffle the 
river goes check-check, preflop raiser flips over AJ while my friend flips over AhTc, and AJ wins. 
Initial raiser c-bets, big-blind calls. 
Initial raiser c-bets again, and big-blind folds. 
