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First, I would like to document the difference meditation has made in my life. It is a training of the mind. Quite possibly the most important training one can undertake.

Reflections on Death:

All who are born will die. It is miraculous I woke up this morning in good health! The fact that I may die at any moment means I should be living life without laziness or procrastination. There is only the Dharma.

Reflections on Impermanence:

Nothing is permanent or stable. I repeat nothing is permanent or stable. As much as we like to delude ourselves and cling and grasp nothing is permanent or stable. There is only the Dharma.

I took a walk on the beach last night as the sun was setting. The water was very choppy and chaotic. It reminded me of my thoughts when I first sit for meditation. An airplane flew over. From that perspective the ocean is vast like the starry sky. Even the most choppy of waves have an inception and a dissolving. It was appropriate that when I was nearly finished for my walk at the inlet the waves are much calmer and almost non-existent. They appear and dissolve rather quickly or don't show up on the radar whatsoever.


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So it's time. Looking to relocate to a new poker spot. Quick recap, moved in with that girl, things were ok in the beginning but it has run its course. I actually feel kinda bad now because she's madly in love with me and I dont really feel anything for her at all. Then again I think she may be confusing love with loneliness and she's just looking for someone to settle down with, frequently commenting on how she doesnt want to die alone etc. Believe me I can appreciate that, but I just dont feel anything for her anymore.

Anyway the online poker thing failed, I lost my 3k as quickly as I won it, in no small part due to playing zoom poker. It was great getting paid off by anonymous donks on ignition with inexplicably bad hands, but it's also easy to run KK into AA and get felted by every slowplayed set 10 times in a row. I've been driving for Uber/Lyft in the meantime to make ends meet. Back to live it is, but not in jax!

One of the biggest gripes I ever had about playing in jacksonville FL, in fact the only gripe I had, was the shortstackers. This is pretty common for live but goddamn it's so frustrating, especially when you show up for the waiting list just to get put on a new table with nothing but $100 minbuys at a 2/5 game. And then when they win a big pot they take their $300 and sit in the 5/10 PLO game upstairs. It became such an issue the card room finally bumped the minimum buyin up to 40BB, which helps I suppose, but still a far cry from playing the more enjoyable full stacked poker. The game selection was also always a tiny bit limited, usually 5 tables of 2/5 running, mix of regs, recs, and a few tourists. But lets get real, jax is not a tourist town so you're never really getting these out of towner whales unless there's a huge BBJ running or tournament in town.

So doing my due diligence it seems as though a few new spots opened up for consideration; Tampa, Washington DC, and Houston. So lets do a little pros & cons breakdown.

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Tampa pros: best weather, best city, best social life, best quality of living, best women, casino opened 24/7

Tampa cons: single casino, 40BB buyins, possibly reg infested, semi-touristy town.

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DC pros: 2 casinos, Maryland Live which is renowned among the region with very juicy games, brand new MGM right next to airport/city center attracting all of the fancy businessmen, tons of tourism.

DC cons: terrible weather, terrible social life, terrible standard of living, very expensive, major female:male defecit.

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Houston pros: legal homegames, numerous recently established card rooms that operate on the home game principal, all play extremely deep, TIME RAKE TIME RAKE TIME RAKE TIME RAKE!!!, decent female population, good standard of living

Houston cons: meh weather, meh social life (???), games might run too big, possibly nothing but regs/locals

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Now before we go any further lets take a look at that big fat bold in the houston category. Because gambling is illegal in texas no game can take a rake. However homegames for real money are completely legal so long as the house doesnt get a cut, and you can literally find dozens of nightly games running all over the city from a simple google search. I've been there and done it and they are legit. Some enterprising minds decided to take the next step and open up full fledged card rooms under the homegame principle. This has drew the ire of city officials and nobody knows if it's all going to get shut down or not, but for now these rooms look like mini casinos. They are lavish, well apointed, fully staffed, professional dealers, hot waitresses, full bar, full menu, real food, lounge, tv's, very nice seating, etc. A couple of the rooms themselves look absolutely stunning. They circumvent the system via standard time rake/membership deal. $15 door fee + $15/hr seat.

Everything I have read about the houston games says that while they advertise them as 1/3 games, the max buyin is 300BB's or up to the big stack. 10-15k on the table is very common and with opening raises between $20-$50 and even legendary $100 opens from tilted whales late at night the games have been rumored to be this hidden hush hush poker oasis. Saw a pic of Sammy Farha one night and some instagram pros winning 14k pots with their bragworthy "2.5k buyin 22k cashout" chip porn posts. The time tokens cannot be paid from your stack, so all the money stays on the table! They have memberships to ease the daily door fee's but the $15/hr stays. Considering almost any casino is usually taking $7 per hand in rake then the time structure seems like an obvious win.

Concerns? Well, these games may be a bit *too* deep for me. Some of them turn into 1/3/5/10/25 degen fests and if they all entirely revolve around the local elites then I'll just never be able to get in. However I wont really know until I go there since nobody is expressly talking about it. You can even call the rooms and the hostess will brag over the phone about how their 1/3 game is playing like a 5/10 to entice you to come over.

Thoughts?



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https://foundaz.com/2018/07/29/kon-tiki-2012/ - Trailer-Info-Cast
https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/M...0OA@@._V1_UY268_CR3,0,182,268_AL_.jpg
I watched this last night before going to bed and was quite entertained. Nothing really amazing about the movie apart from it being based on real events about some crazy Nord trying to prove that Latin Americans were the ones who populate Polynesia 1,500 years ago by sailing on balsa rafts 5000 miles through treacherous, shark-filled oceans. EVERYBODY LOVES SHARKS AND ITS NOT A DEPRESSING MOVIE SO JUST GO AND WATCH IT.


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Here are two foreign gems around 7/10 each in my opinion, maybe more depending on your tolerance for crime dramas.Happy watching guys.

In Order Of Disappearance (2014) Norwegian with ENG subs
trailer info review cast - https://foundaz.com/2018/07/26/in-order-of-disappearance-2014/
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/umz...fRtMeieGWRPJPAgQsF6JHOc56Z1gibmb8=s85

The Major (2013) Russian with ENG subs
trailer info review cast - https://foundaz.com/2018/07/27/the-major-2013/
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/7jJ...iucYlcBUF8k09XIJuJFyaGUt-kyeZdC6U=s85




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Ghost Stories Trailer,cast,info and review below
https://foundaz.com/2018/06/21/ghost-stories-2018/
Good old-fashioned mystery/horror that doesn't rely on cheap scares. Martin Freeman is here. 7/10
http://static.metacritic.com/images/p...55a0f4350fb87e6e55b3c9ad88d3-250h.jpg


A Prayer Before Dawn Trailer,cast,info and review below
https://foundaz.com/2018/06/06/a-prayer-before-dawn-2018/
Solid biopic of Billy Moore, a foreigner in a Thai prison. It's the dude from "The Peaky Blinders" series and he's great in this. It's not your typical prison movie, as it has got lots of other good elements to it.
https://buzz.tt/media/movies/2106/2106_250.jpg


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I'm looking to book some sort of nofap challenge. Doesn't have to be for much and I'm ok with just competing vs myself and maybe if I lose I do something for charity.


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Selfie time. *click click click*

I've got too many thoughts on my mind I have to get rid of them.

First, an lp'er sent me this video:

+ Show Spoiler +

It has gotten under my skin. I am still not sure what it means yet. I have thought about it all day. I was born, I grew up, I have to work, maybe I get some true leisure time in there and then I die. I can die at any moment. But, what is work? What is a paycheck? If nothing is actually real. It feels like I need to eat food and it feels like I need to have shelter. That's not really a meaning as much as it is a need. It almost seems like there is not even a lot of wisdom in it. It just is. I still don't know how I feel about this unrealness. This unrealness that science and philosophy reasons. But, apparently there is no reason, no meaning, and nothing is real. Then how can I be typing at my keyboard and other people can understand or not. This meaning of words again is an illusion. But, what if I want to live in this illusion? What is the benefit or disbenefit? It doesn't seem to matter. Nothing seems to matter. I am supposedly already whole. I can understand that. There are no puzzle pieces to uncover, there is nothing to find. I can get that. It just goes against everything I have been taught my entire life. What do you do if you are living in a dream and find out that nothing is real? How do you live that life?

German

I guess one thing I do is re-learn German. I don't even know what the end is I am just doing it for the sake of doing it. I guess my dream is to go to Berlin, read Byung-Chul Han, Nietzsche, Heidegger, Hegel, Kant, Kafka in there native language, and attend the University of the Arts (in Berlin). Those seem like big aspirations and I don't even know if it's possible. With enough help from Eros it is possible. I really don't particularly like frantic, hectic, work and I need some sort of out. I am already becoming a self-exploiting achievement-subject and I need to be careful.

Work

I think I am learning how to get into hectic rush mode, how to transition into break mode, and how to transition fully into sovereign leisure mode. It's almost not even possible on back to back days of work as that night or that next morning is hard to escape work and move into a sovereign leisure state. I need a solid day off or two to get back to my natural state of adante. A state of slow moving and passionate living. This hectic, always productive, always optimizing work is not natural. I would be lying if I said that it pleases me. There is a certain art and skill and a flow state to making pizzas and some of the interaction with the Other are pleasant but of course I wouldn't subject myself to it if I didn't have to eat food and want to sleep within a temperature modified dwelling. Wage slavery. I am renting my labor out in return for Geld. There is always that wonder if there is a better place for me. I really don't know. Ich bin möde. Ich habe keine Ahnung. Ich komme aus Müdigkeitgeselschaft.

Like, really how to we manage work? My dad was saying he loved that his work was something new every day and that he could work long hours because he enjoyed it. That feels like an illusion to me. The illusion of freedom that Han talks about but maybe it isn't. My current job has all the danger signs for burnout for me. How much production is enough? How much optimization is enough? I am already beating myself up over it and there will be a day that the sameness hits. This is all part of the self-exploitation. The nervousness and the anxiety. I wish I could turn it off but I can't. It feels that I have to seek something and I don't know how I turn that off either.

So, that is where I am at. I am trying to figure out what non-duality means. What it means in regards to my life and living this life. In relation to everything else I thought I found out about this life and continue to find out about this life.


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what was your finest hour?


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Great acting and production. 6.5/10
Good pace, cinematography great.
https://foundaz.com/2018/06/12/calibre-2018/ -trailer-info-cast
https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/M...zOTg@._V1_UX182_CR0,0,182,268_AL_.jpg


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I am typically always skeptical of the consensus. I am peculiar and individual but not quite Individual, not yet a person. However, I am undeniably me. I am an outsider. I appreciate my solitude and quiet. I am a flower open to light. These qualities will always be at odds with certain people and at odds with the Neoliberal way of life.

The problem with corporations is they are constantly seducing me into becoming a self-exploiting achievement-subject. I almost have to become one to do my job. I hear a whisper of 95% is not good enough. Another whisper that we have to be at 110% for our customers. We can be, we should be customer obsessed. We can this, we can that turns into we should, we should, we should. They want us fulfilled and pleased with benefits (so we become "empowered" to make the company more profitable at the expense of ourselves). *Sigh*

I'm caught writing a blog again too. *Sigh*

Where are my friends in this equation? My community?

I wish to study Philosophy and Cultural Studies at the University of Arts (in Berlin). Undergrad is free there (and perhaps graduate school) but my German is very rusty. That would be a joy in itself to improve my German. It is a wish to read Nietszche and Kafka in German. So, what would I need? I would need a plane ticket, a place to stay, food, health insurance, money for books, etc. I am unsure how I would go about procuring a loan for that.

This form of communication is so fucked and I am likely only fucking myself imbibing. It was out of compulsion more than anything. Even though it felt like I could type myself free there is no real freedom there. The thing is I will appreciate a dialogue and discussion that is also kind of fucked. Lacking any gaze or voice it is still the opinion of the Other. I still think it's better than Facebook and Twitter. I like and dislike the idea of all the impassive ghosts floating through viewing my blog and not filling up the white space with words and sentences. Hopefully, I won't go hyper this time around and fill up that space myself. I've always been just a guy trying to live life.


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I was doing some thinking. Perhaps many of you are on the right track. It does seem a little ridiculous to share every last feeling on this small, niche website. I think about sharing value but I am unsure if there is any value to share. The obvious would be poker wisdom but I am sure the game has mostly passed me up. Someone could just read Barry Greenstein's "Ace on the River" or more wisely do a ton of work with the solvers. I don't know how I feel really about giving poker suggestions anyways. It is a pretty cool strategy game and a means to be more autonomous. Not a bad way to make a living but I believe it is romanticized in many regards. I don't know. I am just a part-time grocery store worker barely covering the most humble of expenses.... I shouldn't use that phrase as there are others on even lower expenses than me. The point is I don't consume a whole lot. I am perhaps more peaceful and content than I've ever been. It's a bit different. When I am on a speed boat flying across the ocean to go to a beach party in Malta and everyone is drunk and high and coked up that is a different feeling. Maybe I miss that wild and free feeling but it doesn't matter. I have to live a different life these days.

It is a bit mad to think I was posting vomit on here every day or every few days. Maybe this is vomit too. I need to find coping mechanisms that don't include THAT. I do get bored though. I do like to engage in different discussions on here. I am not sure if there is enough inspiring content on here anymore.

I was thinking about doing an AMA but I don't know if we have enough people or if anyone would be interested in that.

I sometimes get bored without content on LP is all. "Handmaid's Tale" and "Infinite Jest" only get me so far some days.

Oh well, I think it's about time I eat chips and salsa for lunch. The salsa is so good that's all I want to eat.


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https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/...2dc96a5fdaff97e8488b28ade&oe=5BE27C1C


sup fellas~

On Sunday, July 1, I will be flying back to Seoul, South Korea, for the first time in 8.5 years. I will be in Seoul until July 31.

While I have a packed schedule ahead of me, I am interested in meeting up with those of you who are still in Korea. I'll still be watching UFC events while I'm in Korea, so if you want to watch those with me, we can do that and drink some beers and talk some shit (UFC starts at 7am/8am in Korea).

In regard to the UFC threads, I'll try to post them all (5 in total) before I leave to Korea. Nothing should change in regard to me being active during UFC events, aside from not being able to play in DraftKings events due to the country restriction.


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Traveling on very little sleep is unpleasant. I had barely any room on the plane. All hunched over and drooling half a sleep like someone full of psych meds in the psych ward.

I slept 13 hours last night. I needed it but I think I am carrying a bit of grogginess from sleeping that many hours.

I am going to a welcome party tonight for one of my best friends from college and his future wife. I have never met her. I have never met a lot of the people going to the wedding. That causes some anxiety for me. It will be good to see my suite mates from university though. I am just kind of killing time before I can burn any physical energy I have in the gym.

I get to enjoy this weekend and then get my ass into gear on getting a job. It's about that time. I believe it was nice to step out for a bit and get a lot of reading in. I believe it pushed me forward as a human being. Not that I am going to stop reading altogether but it might be geared to more novels and I may have to hit the job networking trail in AA. Not that that every worked in the past. Meaningful work is something I may have never had ever and I don't know what the chances are of me finding it now. That is depressing. Sometimes there does not seem like hope for me in the future. I think I need to help people and be a political activist. I think that might be my only way out. I am not prolific enough in any form of art to transcend time enough of the time.

I just write these damn blogs. Sometimes I'm in it. Sometimes like today it is just sort of happening. I feel better though. I'm making a wager that I will have a good time tonight at dinner. Who really knows? I made a wager that I would have a good time on a family vacation and it was overall a splendid time. There is something about family and good friends that the gut just says it will work out. Even if we just talk about old stories that will be good enough for me. I think where I have issue is MY future. I can talk about the future. I love talking about the future but where I will fit into that future is where it gets troublesome. I don't want to be some guy working shitty jobs and living with his parents forever. All I can be is me and not care what other people think about me. I can always just be a recluse and read books. I have been there before and am not afraid to be there in the future.


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I am sitting in an airport tired. Surrounded by all the disjointed conversations. I got very little sleep because I was up until the early morning sharing conversation with my sister, brother and brother-in-law.

On Children:

I have never been that engulfed by childrens' energy before. They are at times delightful and at times equally or more so unpleasant. I don't know though. I was giving my one nephew a good bye hug and he said "I wuv you onkle Rishard." It's hard not to love that little guy. Given that they are already here we might as well make the best of it.

On Jamie Dimon:

My brother idolizes this guy. Jamie is his owner and master. I have gotten into it in the past over the 2008 fiasco and bitcoin but didn't really have the facts on the former. I was pretty pissed last night sitting there listening to him fawn over this fucking douchebag criminal but I didn't actually have any evidence to support my position and even if I did I am not sure I would want to unleash it. I am too tired to go searching for lucid sources right now but assuming I do should I unleash the evidence on my brother if he starts talking about what a genius CEO his company has?




Overall, it was a good trip. I don't get to spend quality time like that with my family basically ever anymore. I am looking forward to getting back home though. I really was missing some peace and quiet. I bet when I get the peace and quiet I will be missing some of the activity.


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I suppose the prolificness of my blog writing has slowed down as of late. I have been traveling a lot and have not had much of a chance to post. It is a good thing.

I wanted to write about Father's Day. Bullshit is the first word that comes to mind. Celebrating natalism with more consumerism. Celebrating false immortality projects and God-complexes. "Exploit new markets or better exploit current ones" -Marx . Deuces.


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So, I am up in the middle of the night again.

I feel like telling the story of how I lost my virginity. I was extremely drunk. Surprise, surprise. We were at a strip club in Argentina which is really just a front for prostitution. This prostitute was very persuasive. I still to this day have not been kissed like that. We go to a motel. I am blindingly drunk, nervous, exited, seduced. I sit on the bed and she does a strip tease. She unbuttons my jeans and I take off my shirt. She gives me the best blow job of my life while fingering my prostate. I am in bliss. I remember feeling a little violated with a finger in my bumhole but it felt quite good so I just laid back and relaxed. After a while, pretty much when I was adequately hard she sat on my dick and rode me like a stallion. I wouldn't call myself a stallion. I'm no pornstar and certainly not in that moment. In that moment I was just an alcoholic nerd with anxiety problems fulfilling his dream to get laid by an attractive woman. Actually, she wasn't even all that attractive but her body was phenomenal. Large breasts that were bouncing when she was riding me and occasionally she would smother me with them as if it were a lap dance. I didn't last very long and had quite an enjoyable orgasm. I remember she took the condom off my penis and ate the semen straight from the condom. I was like what the fuck is she doing? That's kind of hot. Why do I think that's kind of hot?

She asked if I wanted to take a shower with her. I said no and got the hell out of there. I don't know if I carried a shame around with me. I was really just happy that I had finally lost my virginity and had gotten that out of the way.

I think I do carry a shame around with me with the amount of sexual partners I've had. I was supposed to be this sexually promiscuous playboy and I was not. The thing is when I have sex it is freeing in the moment and it is fun but even though I carry with me a certain confidence and feel good surrounding the experience I tend to feel a certain loneliness and emptiness even if the woman is lying there right next to me. Especially if she is lying there next to me. I enjoy the smell of her hair on the pillow the next morning after she has gone. I think I carry with me a certain swagger but then there is also a deep existential loneliness. Sex was supposed to liberate me. Take me to a higher plane. It was supposed to be the solution and sadly it is not. I have a hole in my soul and sex is not the missing puzzle piece. It's important for me to have a sane dating life and ideally monogamous relationships. We have been through this many times I believe but it is something I have to hammer home. I have to watch it with substances, gambling, capitalism, materialism, consumerism, sex, et al. The substances seem actually pretty easy these days. I just abstain. But, I constantly have to make wagers in an uncertain world, deal in a capitalist society, and I have to consume to some degree. I don't have to take part in any materialistic mirage anymore. I supposed I can abstain from sex but I think I can be "right sized" about it. Time will tell. It's more freeing letting go some of these toxic masculine cultural norms than it is to come inside of a women or on her or on some sheets.


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