We do what we do, not realizing our suffering. I tell you. It is that which turns and keeps all doing what we do. It hides, it binds. It is not for our good.
And so, why is it that we keep moving towards this direction. It is clear, this is not the path. For it is among the very failures that we have felt that have told us of our own shortcomings. It is futile, it is pointless.
And i wake up today, striving yet again. The same defeat i have once faced, is yet again, that of the past. I continue onwards on my journey, seeing the suffering, enduring the suffering.
Because i do not know or see past it all. That feeling of calm, of bliss. That was only temporary. It is not enough.
It's here again. I N S O M N I A . My old friend. I remember back when I was alcoholic I'd drink a shit ton to pass out but then I would inevitably be up again and drinking again. Fill a tumbler full of red win and drink and write until I felt like passing out again. Well, here I am again. I MUST write. It saves me.
I had been wanting to write on bourgeois for a while. I got a mind full of Marx and a heart full of the C.N.T. and F.A.I. Proletariat 'til I die! But, then I got invited out to play golf by a multi-millionaire friend. I was raised at the country club. I like the guy so I did not want to refuse. It was a nice country club. I'm glad he paid. I am too poor to be playing golf really and I think he knows this. It would have been a big expense for me and it's a drop in the bucket for him. That doesn't mean I feel entitled to it but I think socially in that situation if a multi-millionaire invites a broke guy out to play golf he's got the bill? So, my friend was not the wage slave he was the OWNER of a business for 30 years until he got tired of California sold his share of the company and moved here. Then some Army corporate sales guy joins up with us. You don't find too many non-conservatives on a nice country club. Can I really blame them though? I was thinking in their shoes I might be a conservative too. After a few beers after the round the sales guy was opening up about how he didn't like his job and felt trapped. He called it golden hand cuffs. He's got shares in the company and compensation and he hates the traveling and he's got his family. He was 44. It was kind of interesting to see. It's something that I kind of learned at 30 and am continuing to learn. This guy is not really trapped by "golden handcuffs." He's trapped by property. He's got the 2 kids, he wants the certain house, he wants to play golf at country clubs. Which by the way there is no fucking sport more bourgeois than golf? Fucking manicured landscaping, all of it to get a little ball in a little hole. There's the immaculate club house and all the wage slaves and all of the tipping. I had a blast though. I can't lie. Out on this immaculate piece of land smoking a fine cigar among fellows.
I am like pseudo-fake proletariat. I grew up privileged. I was technically below the poverty line last year but not really. I live with my parents in a 3 bedroom townhouse in a neighborhood full of rich retirees and rich professionals. I don't pay rent. My parents probably covered about $1,000 worth of food last year. But, I can see the bourgeois for what it is. The vulgarianism the phillistinism. I wonder if people on LP have this dream of the house, the 2.5 kids and the white picket fence? I never did but I've probably said it a few times I had the dream of being the business unit president and living in a penthouse in Lincoln Park, Chicago. I really felt for that salesman we golfed with. He was talking about having a meltdown with the marketing department. People get accustomed to a certain way of living and they can barely keep up and anything outside of "growth and development" is unacceptable. We all except growth and development just like the corporations. If everyone grows and develops the corporation will grow and develop and the owners will pile up capital. Human development has nothing to do with money or how much stuff one can acquire.
Being out golfing though made me kind of cynical. It's such a different world out there on the country club. I knew this as a kid but I didn't really know. I had never struggled. I had never truly struggled. I reject the bourgeois. I can understand the bourgeois but I reject it. The scammed class but the proletariat is the scammed class too. My friend is not really scammed. He owned his company got out and now lives comfortably in a multi-million dollar house overlooking the water. He's got capital to spare. He doesn't really spare it. That's party why he moved to Charleston. The policy for retirees is some of the best in the country. See rich people know stuff like that.
I can dream of a classless society but I still think we are pretty far away. It will help when all the baby boomers die. Even the lefty ones... See, that is one of the reasons I can get by in political discussion because I dislike most politicians so if anyone says anyone I probably dislike them. I think the only one I like is Bernie Sanders and maybe Elizabeth Warren. But, like lefty baby boomer love Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton. Actually, I started talking shit about Bill Clinton today and even my conservative friend's face kind of winced. Bill Clinton was just a neoliberal economics BITCH just like every other fucker in office for the past 30 years?
The air conditioning just kicked in. It feels good. I have air conditioning. How much of the world doesn't?
Black swallowtail and magenta flowers,
My bipolar gives me superpowers,
Manic like the sun,
Makes life more fun,
The sleep disturbances could be a sign of manic but I am tired and not energized. That cigar made me high today. I should probably avoid that poison. I was already thinking about smoking outside of the AA meeting. Coffee, God, and cigarettes it's all that I need.
There is a Gil Scot-Heron and Jamie xx song playing it always reminds me of the bars in Northwest Indiana. When I was new there I would just get drunk at home and then go out bar hopping IN A CAR, BY MYSELF because I was a crazy asshole. There was this one particular bar who had a bartender that was more attractive than Scarlett Johansson. Maybe not Kate Upton but you are really starting to be petty at this point. She was smoking. Classic blonde beauty with big tits who also had a cool style and most of all was cool AF. I remember I was doing everything in my power to make her laugh and impress her with out being that guy ya know? I was actually making her laugh. Of course she is serving me as a wage slave but I remember on like 3, 4, 5, 6, etc. drinks I could be rather charming. I was lifting weights and doing construction work in the mills I was a physical specimen. I had my designer clothes. I remember there was a group of people having a birthday party and I bought shots for the entire party but told them to leave me anonymous. I was just fucking around having a good time. The bartenders starting giving me free shots. I had a rule that I would only have 3 drinks at a place before moving to the next place because then they wouldn't think I was drinking too much. Plus, I wanted to end on a good note. It would have been easier in Chicago with public transit. The birthday party group could have been potential friends but I was fixated on I think her name is Stephanie or we'll just call her Stephanie. I still remember that low cut blue dress she was wearing. I remember in that same night actually I went to the next bar and won trivia playing by myself like 10 drinks in. Then I drove to the bar closer to my place for a few drinks trawling for pussy. Then I drove home and really started drinking.
I never asked Stephanie out. I only went to that bar one other time. They all remembered me and gave me a free shot of tequila. Around this same time I started dating a baaad black girl who was a doctor. She was kind of weird in a good way. That gave me a lot of confidence. I was getting "netflix and chill?" texts from randos I had spent a night with in a bar or a club. Life was good. My drinking problem just didn't seem like a problem at that point. I thought the problem was I wasn't living in Chicago (which it was). Stephanie, coincidentally, is the name of my sister's best friend that I have had a crush on since high school. The way we flirt and the way we hug leads me to believe something more could be there but that is also just her personality to be a bit of a flirt and a tease. God, that backless red dress she wore to my sister's wedding was RIDICULOUS. But, alas, the woman for me was M. Anarchist, atheist, anti-natalist, alcoholic, cool AF. I messed that up on multiple occasions. I mean really made a shit show of it. Who knows who the woman is for me?
I was going to write more and maybe I will at some point. Well, I will for sure at some point. I don't even really know why I post this stuff sometimes. Probably, for discourse and attention honestly but it actually shouldn't be reduced to just that.
I can't figure out what the deal is with the Peace Corps. Why is there so much marketing on the website? Why do they have recruiters? Is it basically a public relations gig for the USA? I did a lot of research today but not enough. Do these places really need the services offered? I don't know. I think I would prefer a 6 month tour of duty rather than a 2 yr tour of duty.
Then I am looking up non-profits. It's all fundraising, manipulating the media and lobbying policymakers. Greenpeace seems pretty solid but there weren't any openings that made sense for me.
Then I am thinking why don't I use my skills in history and the humanities to teach these kids how to write, how to seek the truth, and wake them up a bit.
I do really wish there was a computer that decided what jobs I should do for me. I am just applying to coffee shops and cafes. I think I might be dead in the water anyway since I can't start until June 25. I just get a feeling doing this mundane work for the masters to make capital is a backup for something more. I am picking coffee shops mostly because my sister and brother in law and I want to start a coffee shop some day and make it a collective. Plus I think it would be a relatively chill job to do for say 24-32 hours a week while I can continue to figure this stuff out.
It's been a long 14 hours, maybe even 16. I don't know, i can't really count right now. My wrist is numb, my back aches, and my fingers are sore. Hell, i don't even know what day of the week it is.
All i know is, i'm tired, and i want to go to bed.
That's what happens when you run these tireless, automatic programs in your mind for the entire day. It's all just non-stop clicking, and once you get it, you kind of get it. It's not high school physics, it's not university math, and it sure as hell isn't computer fucking science.
But for a suffering, ADD-ridden, post-college graduate, who barely made his way out of university due to his excessive habits of weed smoking, having to pay attention to exactly what your opponent is trying to do, and to try and counter his strategy as quickly as possible, is no easy task. It requires constant awareness and reassessment, and i now realized that it took about a full TWO HOURS after my session, to really calm down and go back to baseline.
So if i have to talk more about this game... this game of pennies and nickels... i'm going to go jump off a goddamned cliff.
I think it's time to take a breather. It's not all about making it to the top. We love what we do, we enjoy our freedom, and we channel our instincts. But at the end of the day, it's time to reconnect with our selves, the you that is you, and let it all go. And not try and rip each other's throats out on the other ends of the screen.
a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance.
self-esteem
confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect.
self-image
the idea one has of one's abilities, appearance, and personality.
I believe everything was cool as a kid. I played on the traveling soccer A-team, had plenty of friends, did well in school, had loving parents. I think things got a bit tricky in high school. I remember taking some vicodins, drinking a whole bottle of Kahlua, and watching pro wrestling tapes on this crummy little tv until I passed out. There was transcendence in watching Mitsuharu Misawa vs. Toshiaki Kawada art. I wasn't really a prep, I wasn't really a jock, I wasn't really a nerd, I wasn't really a skater, I wasn't really a punk, I wasn't really a goth but I got along with all these people. I loved drinking. I loved marijuana. This is starting to sound like my AA lead. I loved Diablo II, I loved warcraft 3. I remember Warcraft 3 hit the summer after my senior year and I was immersed in it. I mostly missed out on BroodWar. My brother played it heavily and I was too into sports at the time. But, Warcraft 3 got me. I was in it. That's all I did. My roommates in college called it Warcrack. I would have attractive women tell me I should come out with them and I was too focused on Warcraft 3. I got into the TFT beta. I started taking the game even more seriously. I wanted to go pro but I wasn't even that good. I remember one summer they had online qualifications for WCG. I was practicing a lot that summer and was pretty dialed in. I got pretty close but no cigar. One of my clanmates got a contract. I remember that's maybe when I improved the most when we were doing interclan obs games just over and over and over. Mixing with other good clans. You take a game off of someone really good or at least stay competitive it's like the micro wars are zoned in. It's action the whole game. But, most people on this site probably don't care about War 3 either. So...
Poker. Or, maybe I should talk about finally having a handful of great friends in my suitemates at university. Oh man, that was good times. They even put up with me playing Warcraft 3 all the time. But, let's talk about self-image. Four of the guys were black and they were the coolest of the bunch. So, I naturally drifted towards them. We would go shopping for "black people" clothes. From my appearance I was a wigger. Business school wasn't an education it was an indoctrination. Fucking horrible classes and teachers. I had this one professor lecturing on history in a way I never had run into before. It was exciting. That's what I was going to do. I remember watching Phil Ivey and Chip Reese on the tv and I was mesmerized. A group of guys played a home game in the apartment complex. You could tell certain guys were "good" and certain guys were dead money. One of the guys was playing 400 NL online. I figured if he could do that I could do that. I remembered Tillerman saying he was playing poker. I did some research online and found out about Rek and Elky and everyone. I put $150 online. I think I was playing NL 5 or NL 10 because I remember thinking at the time how big NL 25 felt. Oh, I remember sometimes my computer was breaking down and I would be furious that I couldn't play. I was always fucking around with like omaha 8 or better, 7 card stud, limit holdem. Yeah, I actually started with limit holdem. I had hand charts and figured out pot odds but I didn't really go anywhere until I focused solely on NLHE. Once I made that decision to stop fucking around and own NLHE I was up to NL 200 in no time. Straate and me we flew up the ranks. We used to fucking battle man. Always trying to be the table captain. Then he asked me if I wanted to share an apartment with him and some people in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Actually that was a bit later. The summer after college I went to my first WSOP and hung out with Tom, Ket, and Rainkhan. THESE WERE MY PEOPLE! I loved it out there in Vegas. We were so Vegas green it's not even funny. Man, now I am remembering even before that talking to like Arya and Tien about hands and about life for hours on messenger or whatever the fuck we were using then. These were my people. Then I go down to Argentina and I'm surrounded by my people.
I could talk more about ego, self-esteem, and self-image at some of these differing times. I won't go into the steel industry stuff either but with me a theme is that when things are gong well these things get elevated. Sometimes to grandiose levels. Especially when I'm manic. These things tend to hit the bottom when things aren't going as well or when I am depressed.
Another thing too. If I'm unemployed and not really doing much besides reading that's going to have an effect on my self-esteem. Same with ego and self image. Even if what I'm reading is great. Of course, there is more that I want out of life.
I just talked about my career in the steel industry but I will say when I had the most profitable account in NAFTA my ego, and my self-esteem, and my self-image rose to unhealthy and grandiose levels. I thought about stabbing my company in the back for a 6 figure contract (or commission). I thought about becoming the President of the business unit. I thought about moving to a penthouse in Lincoln Park, Chicago. But, keep in mind this distorted reality was full of chinks of insecurity that my dad had a hand in all of it. I mean he did in a way. I wouldn't be here or there if it wasn't for him. Another thing too is I am more of an introvert. I actually really do enjoy talking to people from different walks of life but I fucking LOVED to get home fill up a glass, take a shower, and spend some time by myself. Now, I couldn't bear myself so I needed at least a bottle of wine before I could relax and another bottle before I could really get into the zone. I didn't know these things at the time.
So, I want to address the idea that my will and ego was broken after these experiences because I believe it is an interesting insight.
After poker, yes, very much so. My ego went to thinking that it was going to make $2million/yr at 25/50 to being broke and busted and useless. I was so resentful that I wanted to murder people. I couldn't own up to the facts so I lied to everyone. But, I think I built it back. I started training and flushing the resentments away. I remember reading "Crime and Punishment" and it had a profound impact on me. I remember reading "Nausea" by Jean Paul Sartre and finally there was someone who understood. I read "Being and Nothingness" and it became my bible. I read Nietzsche. I read "Notes from the Underground" and "The Idiot." I was piecing myself back together. My ego could have been the healthiest when I was just that sales laborer learning and drinking socially. There's something about learning and not abusing alcohol/drugs and not being mentally ill that is good for the ego. Also, keep in mind I was drinking socially at that time. That's a rare thing for me.
Let's fast forward to rehab and the psych ward. Ego is at ZERO. I can't even function without boatloads of psych meds. Then I go on vacation for six months. I can't even begin to explain how beautiful a city Paris is but imagine that coming out of severe suicidal ideations and being so psychotic I literally thought I had travelled through all the depths of hell and back. Like, that's actually what happened. That was my reality. I travelled through far away galaxies and then thought I was stuck out there until I died but then I miraculously made my way back in a sort of Gravity 2.0 experience. I actually had thought this stuff had happened to me. It feels like it did happen to me. So, I am reading Nabokov and I am traveling around encountering vast beauty everywhere I go. I am reading Tolstoy, I am reading Joyce. It feels like a second psychic change. My ego is probably exactly where it needs to be at this point.
But, then I go back to work. I have no idea how to live life sober. FUCK! I need those God people don't I? I jump in that lifeboat. I have been in AA for a while and I don't think people really care about AA so I don't want to go too much into it. I will say this. In AA, God is everything and you are nothing. That's what humility means to them. We alcoholics have problems with our egos so we need God to help. But, I don't believe in God so that basically leaves me with ZERO ego and ZERO self-esteem. Developing a non-God ego or self-esteem is looked down about. It's looked at as selfish, self-centered, self-willing. I haven't worked a stimulating job in 5 years. A job I actually feel pretty good about. Oh also, I am not supposed to have a will. AA calls that self-will. It's what got me into all my problems. I should live in "God's will." They force fed me this shit for 2 years. Now, I just go for the solidarity and the fellowship and to meet with friends. It's really not ideal. I still have a sponsor. He is always telling me to go to more meetings. I can't really help many people since I am an atheist that doesn't believe in most of this crap but it was indoctrinated into me when I was desperate and it still sometimes feels that my brain is working it's way through it. But, I realize this stuff today.
To be honest, I believe that my ego, self-esteem, and self-image are in a pretty good place today. Now, would it be better if I had a job I liked, I saw my friends more, better friends, didn't live with my parents, and had a girlfriend? Well, who really fucking knows but I would wager that yes it would have a positive effect on my ego. And, I realize it all kind of starts with the occupation. And, that depresses me because I have been going through occupations my whole life and nothing seems to be quite right. It's why I think I should try out the non-profit sector or the public sector.
So, I have been doing a bit more earnest job seeking as of late and this shit is fucking hard. Especially with a mind full of anarcho-syndicalism, Catalonia, Chomsky, et al. It makes me want to not do it so I went to one of my favorite outlets LP. It just all looks unpleasant. It's just a sea of these corporations and it is like no I don't want to sell Nike shoes to people, no, unfortunately I am not an engineer, no, I don't want to be a cashier for your bourgeois organization. I don't want to complain about that anymore. So, I watched a bunch of Noam Chomsky YouTube videos.
I think the best I can hope for these days is some form of end in itself with minimal authority. Somewhat agreeable scheduled shifts, not too much of an overbearing overseer although there are security cameras everywhere these days. I had a friend tell me, "It's work. That's why they call it fucking work." Can we do better than that? Meh, I don't want to obsess about this now. The reality is if I don't get work at some point I will starve so by renting MYSELF, MY LABOR out for wages this is wage slavery. Anytime I start talking about this people mostly get defensive. They hate me. They hate the fact that I am free even if it is just for 2-3 months. It was similar to when I was playing poker for a living. I had figured out a way to beat the system. I think the fact that there was no overseer, no schedules, something that I liked to do it may beat out the hollowness felt at times. I don't know though. Some of those depressions were the worst.
I think about being a history professor. But, I don't exactly like the specialization. I like bigger picture. Including philosophy, sociology, anthropology, economics, etc etc etc etc. I would rather go broad and complex than narrow and specialized. I don't want to study the significance of the red scarves in the battles of Catalonia I want to talk about what that revolution means for the future. I would like to actually delve into the 100 million number in relation to MARXISM and Leninism, Stalinism, and Maoism. It all gets lumped under communism and that isn't fair. Also, where does anti-communism come from exactly and are the criticisms fair?
But, here I go again "typing" and "talking" about what I am going to do instead of just doing it. Fuck it, hopefully my Kindle is done charging so I can continue reading "Homage to Catalonia" by Orwell. Pretty good stuff. I get educated on anarchy, communism, and annarchist communist revolutions. Pretty fucking cool.
So, I am going to deal with narcissistic self-repeating by powering through it with narcissistic self-repeating.
I'll start by talking about my physical appearance.........
I was in the gym to fend off depression..... and let's be honest sculpt my own masterpiece. My therapist was the one that suggested I start exercising. Anyways I just got in there and did a little ditty. Got after it on a couple of exercises chest and a couple on shoulders. I am really just looking for a bit of delineation in the chest which has a greater effect at lower body fat percentages. It's mostly about the shoulders and the arms (triceps)..... Ok, I can't really keep this going I'd rather talk about:
There is a young lady in the gym. Of course, there always is...... I don't want to talk about this either.
Here:
I do want to talk about this. I used to look down on people that wear Nike but who am I? I had 100% Bread and Boxers on and my barefoot shoes. Nike probably makes good shoes. I spent $100+ on my shoes. They spend $100+ on Nikes. Actually a Nike shirt is probably cheaper than the shirt I was wearing. Same with the shorts. Same with the underwear. My clothes have no branding.... That clearly doesn't make me or the clothes better. My beef with Nike is neoliberalism and exploiting foreign labor. I tried a lot of shirts until I found Bread and Boxer. The cheap price points fall apart and just don't drape the right way. Bread and Boxer the fabric is a bit nicer. They drape how I like. They have lasted for years. To be honest I don't know how they are made. They mentioned they are designed in Sweden which means they probably are not made there or else they would have mentioned it. You kind of have to be in the business of exploiting foreign labor to make it in that game. So, I'm hypocritical. It's part of why I love Patagonia. Their goal is to move as much as possible to fair trade. It's why I am paying attention to Kanye West. He has said he wants to make Yeezy a charity eventually. The cynical person can say it's marketing, etc. I'd say at least it's a start. I don't really know how the clothing industry would look in the future. We have all these great factories to make clothes. Why not organize and make the clothes for the people? We wouldn't have to use the best fabrics but I wouldn't want the worst either. Automate everything as fast as possible and get to a universal basic income.
Communes.
I virtually lived on a commune for a week in Buenos Aires. It was a hostel but all of my roommates were big time hippies. I remember the guy took 2 condoms out of my bag and left a beaded necklace in it's place. I was fucking pissed that he was looking through my stuff at the time. Looking back on it it's entertaining. The beaded necklace was pretty awesome actually. Definitely worth more than 2 condoms. Not for a guy about to get laid!!! I always ran into really interesting people at hostels. I kind of miss that.
Maybe I will try to not purchase another pair of clothing for the rest of my life. That would be difficult. Boxer briefs is one item I want new from Bread and Boxers.
One of my best friends from poker always had the vision of being a part of a commune. He is back playing poker unfortunately but it is funding quite a nice marijuana farm in Uruguay. The farm is an end in itself and I hope to visit one day. Hemp has so many uses. Cannabinoids have so much potential.
I can't really tell you how I "made it" in the material world. I thought I had on multiple occasions but I was so so wrong.
My mental breakdowns were breakthroughs. Capitalism and corporations sent me through the levels of hell. I was talking to a friend last night who has the same bipolar as me and is also alcoholic. He talked about the lightest light is next to the darkest dark and vice versa. My friend is a painter. He got that idea from Caravaggio:
You can see the use of the darkness and light. But, I guess talking about bipolar isn't relevant to most but I think that quote still stands true. The lightest light is next to the darkest dark. The darkest dark is next to the lightest light.
I am a curator of art! It brought me transcendence. Hopefully, it brings some transcendence for ya'll.
I am going to talk about bivalves and beans again. Imagine a world where bivalves and beans are subsidized instead of torturing and murdering a countless number of cows, chickens, and pigs? (56 billion/yr)
I am talking about the future. I am concerned about the future. I am in the NOW.
I'll take you guys on a modified trip to L'Orangerie in Paris.
I have a Monet, Basquiat, and Renoir hanging in my room (not originals obv) I also have an uncut deck of cards hanging up. Now, it feels like I am just practicing mindfulness looking around my room and identifying what is hanging up.
Maybe only people with hyper open-mindedness like me will appreciate the artwork. I could be happy for days and days reading and discussing philosophy and art. Chomsky bores me sometimes but "Profit over People" is a great little book. I get real fired up when he starts talking about what happened in all those Latin American countries, including Mexico. It is pretty clear that the system is set up to benefit the rich elite. To allow the rich elite to acquire more profit and power. To fool the middle class. To take advantage of their selfish desires. Utility wise there is not that much difference for the individual between $63,000 and $70,000, $90,000 and $100,000, $450,000 and $500,000, $9 billion and $10 billion but collectively that money could make MASSIVE differences for the people suffering the most.
I would rather be at peace than happy. Happiness is a drug that I always want more of. When I am truly at peace I don't have any wants or desires.
Happiness will always fade. It feels great when the candle is burning brightly but it will inevitably fade into a flicker. Hopefully, that flicker coincides with sleep. It doesn't always. Living life when it seems like the light is out is most difficult. It may be a bit fun to sit in it and listen to those certain songs that bring a masochistic joy but when one is seriously considering ways to commit suicide help is needed. For most, life doesn't have to be so dark. Go to a butterfly park or an art museum or listen to some Daft Punk. Drink caffeine and go train. Read Edgar Morin. Read novels. I'm rambling.........................
I may never again reach that high of coming home from the clubs in Buenos Aires blackout drunk, smoking a bunch of basically bad weed but if you smoked enough of it you'd get super high and then just lying on the couch listening to Daft Punk. It was like I was elevated to a 4th dimension. Borracio, verde y Daft Punk. Por supuesto. En serio, bro.
I was going to share what I thought about poker these days. Or, suggestions to the new players. ...
I will say this. I am extremely selfish and self-centered and back when I was playing I was hyper-selfish and self-centered. There is a factor of the game that is incredibly stimulating. Sometimes that goes away. Sometimes that comes back. I mean poker is one of the most fascinating strategy games that exists on this earth. I have toyed around with just playing again so I can play around with a solver. Here is the catch though. Even though I was a hyper-selfish and self-centered person there was always a time where the truth emerged and a hollowness set in. I was exploiting and manipulating people to making a living. Many times it is not even this stimulating battle between worthwhile adversaries but rather just getting the jesus seat on some guy that doesn't know how to play. I guess it is always a bit of both for most. Some like isildur1 seem to go the route of stimulating battle 100% of the time and there were handfuls of guys that excelled at bumhunting. "Bumhunting." I believe that many of these guys have serious gambling problems (the bums not the nits). "But, if their dope man stops selling dope they'll just get it from the next guy." That's true. I am trying to think of what is analogous to giving out clean needles. At least the top dogs in the group will never kill a fish. Not out of any sort of compassion but if the fish dies the good games die.
I don't know. That may be all I have to write. I will just say it is hard to be a top dog for any amount of time. It doesn't even really happen over 5 year spans. 10 years later I don't recognize 1 person in the Stars 200/400 NL and it's hard to be a grinder. It's smart to be a guy like Gogol's Nose. Make $500k and then put it into land out in Montana. I wonder what he is doing now? That is a guy I definitely had those stimulating battles with. The guys that started holding money in Bitcoin.
But, it's not all about the material and consuming. The main guy over at currentaffairs.org took $34,000 for his salary. That is enough to live comfortably and he gets to write articles all day exposing the truth regarding the world we live in. I made $10k last year but I'm doing alright. I think most people would fear living as simply as I do. 2013 me would be repulsed. It's really not all that bad. I have a clear conscious and serene soul.
I guess that is what I would say. I believe that one of the secrets of life is helping people and not getting caught. Not looking for validation. Not looking for validation in the form of money, adulation, whatever. Finding the joy and beauty in life. When I see a black swallow tail butterfly fluttering about I become excited. The world seems magical to me. I only really get that feeling when I am in nature.
Now, I am hungry. One desire I must fulfill. Although, in reality I could go about a month with out eating. I am sculpting to the aesthetics of the Greeks, Michelangelo and Rodin though. Chick pea curry again! I will take that over chicken, rice, and steamed broccoli any day.
My brother and sister-in-law are happy and docile. They go to their high paying multinational corporate jobs, come home to their giant house to take care of their 2 year old and then watch tv until they go to sleep. I don't get it. I've always been a bit of a wild child. L'enfant sauvage but I am confused about the meaning of sauvage. Gojira's lead singer says it is more about being feral and untouched by civilization. I was very much civilized as a youth but I always remained very much wild. I have had streaks of docility usually with even stronger streaks of rebellion and disobedience. I had to really respect the person and/or really need help to reach any level of docile. Which caused problems in the corporate structure. I remember the NAFTA Sales Director urging us to "really grab your customers by the balls." To manipulate them in any way we could in order to get the purchase order. I didn't want to manipulate my customers or grab them by the balls. The most successful salesman in the area was a direct competitor. He was a former NFL linebacker. A professional in hurting his competitors by any means necessary. Most of my customers adored him as he was an All-American for Notre Dame University which was just a short trip up the road. I took it as a challenge. I was up every day at 4:45am to lace up the bootstraps and get to work. Why? I don't know. I wanted to be President of the company. I wanted a penthouse in Lincoln Park, Chicago, and in some ways it was just for the spirit of it all. I fucking loved watching those hot slabs of steel roll out of the mill.
Every day was gameday. Everyday was like marching into battle. I was connecting with people, I was really helping out the mill, I was helping my friends get promotions. I was getting promotions. I loved to drink. I drank too much. That was my anesthesia. I suppose for a stretch there I was happy but I was not docile. I was still very much a wild child. I remember there was a part of the mill that was super muddy from all the rain. I started speeding around doing fish tails. No one fucking cared. They thought it was funny. That's because most people in the steel industry are wild childs. Are a bit nuts. I loved that. You have to be a bit nuts to be cooped up in a steel mill dealing with 3,000 F steel all day. In fact in one of the mills they all laughed and joked about it being a mental institution. The biggest reason that the union typically gets what it wants is that it would be disaster to let all these union guys out into civilization.
I was constantly butting heads with my manager. He was always making metaphors that I was a stallion that he was going to break. I would make metaphors that he was never going to fucking break me. We were getting business though. Not really getting paid in accordance to that business but we were both getting business and getting paid. I had the most profitable account per capita in NAFTA so could swing my dick around a little bit but I did understand that a lot of that was with help from my manager. I was good at getting people fired up about stuff but I am not a ruthless businessman or a psychopath. My manager was. So, we basically had an agreement where I would do my thing and then call him up when the deal needed to get closed. It was a good agreement. Him and his boss basically told me to manage my business. I never even received one phone call from my boss's boss.
Anyways.... I am kind of going off on a tangent here of memories. The All-American from Notre Dame eventually woke up, bought out some of our key guys, and started bribing all the right people. We ended up losing the largest business contract. A lot of people at that point liked me a lot so were throwing me bones with out much work needed from me. I had enough business to cruise. I knew this. My boss knew I knew this. I used the extra time to drink. I became more than just a heavy drinker. The workaholic aspect just turned into straight alcoholic.
I guess part of that story is that the patriarchy ganged up on me. I was certainly not very happy during my negotiations for a salary position. It was 5 rich, white guys and the corporate contract lawyers vs. me. I wouldn't say they broke me they just sort of fleeced and exploited me. You know, there is no real way in which someone lower on the totem pole can exploit a corporation. At least in my position. What could I do? I could cheat on my expense account. Maybe get an extra $50 out of it a week. So, maybe $3,000 over the course of a year? That's nothing compared to how a corporation can exploit its workers. It goes further than just dollar amounts. My mental health was ruined. The whole culture broke me but only for so long. Just because I take lithium and abilify doesn't mean I can't wile out. I am still not easily controlled. If anything I am more woke than ever. That doesn't help me pay my bills.
The people in power don't want to give it up and as long as most of the population is "happy" and docile nothing will change.
My aunt is high up in Siemans corporation. Her plan when she retires is to buy another house (they already have 2) and interior decorate it. *Click click click* Agonizing for months over which couch best expresses her true self. I am pretty sure she takes boatloads of anxiety pills and/or vino every day and night just to get through existence. I made $10k last year and am sitting in an Ikea computer chair with a broken arm and am pretty content with my position. It doesn't actually suck to be unemployed if you have stuff to do. What sucks is the looming fear that yeah eventually I will have to make money again.
Man, so, people always ask me "Well, what do you REALLY want to do?" or "What did you want to do when you were younger?" My answers are actor, musician, soccer player, artist, architect. There are reasons for those not panning out and none of those are something I could just sort of pick up again and make a living at today. Maybe a better question is "What is good for you?" We can maybe start working with that. A lot of people hear that I have a degree in history and suggest that I become a history teacher. I never really wanted to do that. I don't want to be confined by a high school curriculum. Well, what about a history professor? I don't know if I like the specialization. Never have. So, where does that leave me?
$12/hr at Whole Foods, going to AA meetings I don't like, and posting blogs on LP. YIPEEEE!!!!
So, I figure maybe I kick this blog off with something that would really offend vegans or Jordan Peterson fans or capitalist fans but I really just want to pass the time while waking up and digesting some food. I have been digesting a lot lately. There has been good discussion on here and I am reading "On Complexity" by Edgar Morin and "The Dispossessed: An Ambiguous Utopian Story."
"On Complexity" is good. Most of the reading I am just like "ok," "fair enough," "yeah, that's true." Like, I continue to read in hopes that it is a precursor to better stuff. The physics and the biology I already know. I want to get to anthropological insights and what all this means for the earth, culture, people and the future. Many times I feel I should have a dictionary handy but I just kind of wing it through context and memory. Morin is clearly a brilliant dude.
I am really enjoying "The Dispossessed." I could write more. If you are into sci-fi or anarchy it's definitely worth a look.
Something I was thinking about is putting my History degree to use and writing a dissertation on finding the truth about Marx, Communism, The Russian and Chinese State, Lenin and Mao, and the 100 million number. Maybe touch on where all this anti-communism rhetoric stems from. It's something that is kind of fascinating me. Like libertarian communism/socialist anarchy could actually work.
Edgar Morin is a history major! But, you won't find me getting any degrees in economics or law. Bro, 500 person lectures taught by some foreign dude that barely speaks English only at the university to do research mumbling through powerpoint presentations on Neoliberal economics..................... Bro, I'll download the powerpoints and skim them and never go to class and get an A. That is what university is supposed to be???????
Fucking law. Fucking lawyers. That is what most people thought I would do. *Shudder*
Actually, every male in my family except me in the US is either a chemist, an engineer, or both. Well, my brother has a PhD in theoretical nuclear physics and is a data scientist but it's still math and science. Actually, now that I think about it every male in my generation has a PhD in a science except me. I wanted to be an artist, designer (houses, shoes, clothes), or soccer player. I'm a bit of an oddball. I loved history because it was a search of the truth. We get to play detective and solve mysteries. It's tricky though because if you look at say a slave in the 1700s they don't really have a voice. They couldn't speak honestly. Many times you are doing guesswork with other historians' work and sources. I want to do more than just history though. The knowledge base that an Edgar Morin has is a bit overwhelming but I like what he is doing. I always enjoyed physics but I never really like biology. Anthropology I absolutely love. I was thinking of going back to graduate school for Anthropology. Or, maybe some kind of dual or multifaceted degree. But, maybe I don't need to do that. Maybe I just need to continue studying Edgar Morin. Loco, you should go back to school and study Morin and French to English translation. That actually seems like a very worthwhile endeavor. The US, UK, Australia, et al. BADLY need some Morin injected into the culture.
So, I had a $100k month in plo in the past and in 2017 I made $10k in grocery stores and restaurants... Is that my dream? To live under the poverty line working shit jobs? It's really not so bad when you are in it. I cut some produce, I cook some food, I like who I am working with. The stuff I did goes out on the line and gets served to customers and they enjoy it. It really isn't a horrible way to spend a day. I come home and I hang out with friends or do whatever. I wouldn't be reading "On Complexity" if I still had a job. One must be dedicated or unemployed to read books like that. "Being and Nothingness," "Theory of Justice," "The Republic." These books typically don't get read by people working 40+ hours a week.
I think maybe I just continue on the path. I have enough money to last me 2-3 months, more if I live like a monk. I don't really mind living like a monk to be honest. It's simpler. I don't get caught up in as much self-centered craving. When I work I want to spend all my money. Make the anguish of work "worthwhile." I need more anesthesia for the pain. I get caught up in capitalist culture. A want to express myself through clothing and "stuff." Liberation through a great orgasm that only lasts maybe 5 seconds with an after glow of maybe 15 min. No, I don't want to go back to work for a corporation. Not until I absolutely have to.
You learn by making mistakes, and I feel like this is one of the time to grow.
In life when it comes to money, I've been always happy living paycheck to paycheck because you know what - it felt liberating, it felt safe...
It felt... Like I have nothing to lose, like I need to work hard and not even think about it, like my path is very straightforward and I've always found a way.
Lately, that's changed, suddenly I left the safe environment that I'm used to, started making more than I can possibly spend with my habits and view of the world, where the expensive things people buy just seem like futile waste of money especially for me used to broke living. Sure, the Crypto bear sure has helped out but I'm finding myself in an unfamiliar territory that brings...
Attachment.
I fear losing what I have. I'm proud of what I have, what I play. I started focusing on money, even setting things like I will use 10% of my winnings last month to pay for a holiday for me and my gf(which I did). I started tying my identity to my bank account, to limits I play and the money I win. I started setting short ter goals, what if I make 10k this month, visualised how that'd feel, how I'd move up, how proud would I be.
But then reality hit. On my way up eating ramen I always powered through nad runs, breakeven stretches. Even having to borrow money from my friend who was helping me out didn't feel as stressful as breaking even this month. You may say lol that's poker breakeven 15 days bother you, then this game's not for you.
But I've been winning month after month, week after week and slowly but surely I've built up attachment, built expectation and somewhere I started focusing on results rather than the process.
Letting go of attachmemt.
And then it got me thinking, once upon a time I was really big on meditation and kwan-um-zen
The most frequent question you ask yourself there is "who am I? " during meditation. I also remembered Tommy Angelo, the wise man I once had on my podcast and whose eightfold path to poker enlightenment I devoured a few times.
And again I started realising the series of attachments, the tying ropes of identity that both ties and imprisons your in your own expectations and views of self.
When I text this girl I'm attached to an outcome of a fast reply. My body looks like X so people will perceive my like Y. Looking certain way should make me feel good/bad. I've studied the hardest in a long time last week, I put in the focused hours so now I expect a great result at the tables. I tie my self respect and identity to the limits I play,money I have and losing that would threaten for me to lose that identity.
The way of enlightenment.
So what to do about it? Well for me the first thing is always awareness, be aware I've become attached to the results and that by itself allows me to let go to an extent because of the absurdity of many of these attachments.
Other things are focusing on the process, and then letting go - you've text that girl. You played that session, your body is what it is and you just had a gym session. None of those things you can do anything about so thinking, worrying, being overly attached to them is pure futility.
What actually matters is DOING what you do, RIGHT NOW RIGHT HERE with your time. And if you used it wisely that's all you can do, you've done well, and the outcome is not what matters.
Setting goals.
The the thing about this all of course is that if there would be no attachments at all then there would be no motivation or will to actually be part of the modern human world. Most of the pursuits of the modern civilisation also require attachment and bring suffering. But you do have to CARE in order to DO, otherwise you'd become siddhartha and finally find the meaning of life being peaceful with staring at the river for eternity.
I guess there needs to be a middle ground, for me it always has been long term goals, more like targets long time in the future I can judge my present actions by, but short term results seem insignificant in the lens of me a year from now
Previously it's been to get to where I actually am now, why losing it all suddenly became this huge pressure, a break even week after studying hard a stressful experience, the long term goal became NOW, THIS WEEK, THIS SESSION.
So I sit down, re-evaluate, get that long term lens going on again so I focus on actions...Instead of short term results.I also started doing bookkeeping a good friend taught me to bring more rationality into my finances.
And just bring that awareness of futile attachment back, which makes it easier to let go, which makes it smoother to focus on the only thing that really matters - this moment and what I do with it.
And since my morning poop,where I type a blog on my phone is over, it's time to make breakfast.
Too many to look at in the $100-$200 range. It's all brand recognition bull shit anyways. IT'S ALL BRAND RECOGNITION BULLSHIT!
Like having a a pair of $700 Alyx boots instantly makes me cool................... but people fall for it. What are those???? I like those????? Yeah, I only had to spend a paycheck on them............................
Man, I am liking my freedom so far but I will eventually run out of money. That brings me some anxiety. There is some anguish in the downtimes but training, going on walks with my family, reading novels and Edgar Morin just seems like what I should be doing at this point in time. I realized I really don't need tattoos, chelsea boots, and leather jackets. I don't need $100 meals. There are enough women that are receptive without me having those things. AND, why am I so concerned about getting validated by women anyway? That is a recipe for shit. Find a dope chick I like spending time with and spend time with her when I feel like it. That is it. I am not running for President of Tinder. I don't need to win the electoral college vote. A lot of women on there are pretty basic and not desirable to date. I am confident this isn't rationalizing either.
Anyways, I don't have anything else to say for now.
So, I am unemployed so I will probably be writing more blogs. More time. More anguish to cope with. More self-centered cravings that I will indulge in. This blog being one of them. I have been lying in. Just spending an hour or so in my bed just lying in. I have heard the natural circadian rhythm is to wake up about an hour later each day. I think I am on that voyage. So, I feel a bit sleepy. I haven't woke up yet. That could be a metaphor for my life as well. I am just a bit sleepy in general. It doesn't feel like I am woke like I need to be. To make a decision on what I am going to be spending my time on next. I could go the fear and tradition route and just take the first job that I can get. I have a little bit of money to take a vacation. I don't want to think too much. I just want to feel. What does my gut say? Not, what do my parents say? What does my brother say? What do my friends say? But, what does my gut say? What does my heart say?
I need to hit the gym again today and get a good sweat in. I don't think I am overtrained yet. After losing about 10 lbs. in a week and a half I have hit a bit of a plateau. I just have to make sure to maintain the muscle, get the HIIT in, and it's probably 70%+ nutrition. That's a bit of a heartbreaker that I shouldn't be eating rice.
I am just trying to position myself to have a bon ete. Good Summer. Why just a bon ete? Why not bonne vie? We wish people to have a good day or a good week. Why not a good life? I wished my brother-in-law a happy birthday today, told him I loved him, and wished him a great life not just a great day. I do love him but I don't know him as well as my other brother-in-law. I consider him my actual brother no disrespect to my actual brother. I had a text conversation with my old BJJ coach the other night. He is my brother too. I kind of wish I had enough money to go back and train. BJJ is the ultimate HIIT workout. When you are exchanging sweat, joint locks, and strangles a very rare camaraderie exists. Oh well, I have quit training twice already. Not that the past necessary repeats itself like a lot of people like to obsess about but there were reasons for me not doing it that were greater than the reasons for doing it so unless the reasons scale shifts it is stupid to throw down money on training and private lessons.
I am not meant for a corporate environment. Baal was talking about how corporations are not coercive. That is bullshit. They use their positions of power to manipulate all the fucking time. That's really all it is. It was the same in sales. I think I have told this story before but my manager took me out for drinks and explained to me it was all manipulation. We are trying to manipulate the customer into doing what we want and it is that simple. In taking me to a cool place and buying me drinks I like he was attempting to manipulate me into manipulating people. There are a million ways in which corporations and managers can be coercive and manipulative. They can dock pay, they can give people shitty assignments, they can make people work more hours, not give people vacation, they can fire people. A lot of sales in business to business was just finding the collection of people within the customers' company that would manipulate their own people. It almost always came down to the Plant Manager telling the purchasing agent to fuck off.
The fact that I am not meant for the corporate environment and the fact that I can't pay the bills as an artist it just seems like I am destined to be destitute. That is what I am not awake to. Where are my outs? I can't be drawing dead. Really? But, we've been through this before. I mean surely I shouldn't be judging an occupation on the percentage chance that I get ghosted mentioning it on Tinder? Lol, that is absurd but it was a thought. Thoughts are fucked up. Feelings from the gut are more reliable. My gut feeling is that apprenticing at a tattoo shop would be really interesting. I am very talented at drawing and sketching. I get minor tremors in my hand due to the lithium and adrenaline so that might kill it. It would be an experience but I would have to find a shop that would take me. There are probably better options out there.
We are a sum of our actions but how much power do we have over those actions?
The US Government and multinational corporations would have us believe it is complete control. Freedom and power are the most powerful marketing tools. It's a trap. I don't want any part of that machine but I must engage with it to a point. I haven't figured out any other way. It sucks doing work for less than a "living wage" though. It sucks doing work for more than a "living wage" typically too. The corporations want their employees to be in debt. The corporations want their customers to be in debt as long as they are buying their stuff. People start getting flush with money they are free to make some changes. Free to take vacations and potentially to explore their surplus of options. All of this is based on culture. Culture of the state and culture of the corporation. I struggle to fit in with much of the US culture and corporate culture. New slavery is buying an $1,000 leather jacket. That's being caught in chains, in a prison. Is it worth having to be perfect going into a customer? Being an actor? All learned smiles, and laughs, and unblinking negotiations?
It's perfect outside and I don't have a bike. That makes me a bit sad. It will be a bit sad to go into a gym to use a stationary bike when it is 79 F and perfect outside. I loved my bike. I had an attachment to my bike. It always made me happy when I was riding it. I had to sell it when I lost my corporate job 3 years ago. That is what I should be spending my money on instead of chelsea boots, leather jackets, and tattoos. A new bike.
Oh well, I have to figure out how I am going to train today so I can be sane and lose fat and feel good. ¡Mucho Amor LP!
I lost my job today. The restaurant closed down. I am not sure how I feel. I originally felt freedom but then started to feel fear. I don't want to take my next job out of fear. I really don't even know what to do. An idea was to apprentice at a tattoo shop. My parents loved that idea... Why do I still care what they think? They asked me if I could do anything what would it be? My answer was to design shit. Shoes, clothes, houses, hotels, tattoos, whatever I was obsessed with at the time. Or, I would want to be a DJ/musician just traveling around small venues making a fair amount of money but only being recognizable by true fans. I would want to walk down the street and do what I wanted to with out being intruded on. I don't know if there are any answers that can be extracted from that. If I can get my bitcoin into USD and my tax refund in a reasonable amount of time I should be ok for a bit. Maybe 1 or 2 months or more if I live like a monk. I want to spend my days doing stuff out of love and not fear.
This may have been good for me. I was hitting a stretch where I was not improving my culinary skills whatsoever and also doubting if I even wanted to be in the field. It kind of forces me to make a choice to get on with my life.
I was at a point where I wanted a vacation. So, I got one. I am sure I will be complaining about the anguish of unemployment soon enough.
For the BTC people out there. What is the best way to get BTC into USD these days?
$250-$310, all leather, one compartment with divider, 1.63kg, 38.5 x 29.5 x 7
-will last a long time
-heavy duty zipper that goes all the way down the sides
-also formal
-might get worried about something happening to it or forgetting it, have to keep it off the floor in a bathroom stall, don't want to lose my stuff
$130-$160, leather accents, one compartment with divider, made in China, 1.06kg, 38 x 28 x 7
-unique plaid look
-also designer but half nylon so in between 1 and 3?
$90, 0.8kg , 39 x 29 x 7.5
-light and multiple compartments -> can pack more, overnighter flexibility
-don't care if it gets beat up every day
-comfortable handles
-won't last as long
I don't like bowing to my buddhist teacher when he enters the room.
If I had more money it would be in bitcoin and acres in Montana.
I am a bit bored with Tinder. Funny how that was my obsession about 2 weeks ago. That is just how I operate. The novelty has worn off and I guess to be honest I am currently not that attractive of a person to date.
Or, it could be because I write things like this:
(She instructed to email her because she isn't on tinder a lot. She had a caption saying "Life is too short, Get naked. Fuck loud and make noise")
Hey,
What's up?
I saw your profile on tinder and swiped right.
Life is too short. But a blip in existence. Fuck.
Fuck.
I like that: Fuck loud and make noise.
Or at least have fun and laugh.
Get charged up. Dick hard. Clit hard. Stiff and wet. Good combinations.
Spicy thai food and mango ice cream. Pink skies on the beach. A pastry and a coffee.
If I had magenta suede chelsea boots would you touch me?
A leather jacket would you rub me?
Another sleeve of tattoos would you hug me?
I am me. That is all I can be.
Hotel suite with a bad bitch or writing poetry under a tree.
Beauty and transcendence is what I am after.
I wish to escape the prison of the mind.
Come with me. I will break the chains and we can run for it.
I know love, peace, and serenity exist.
I have been there before. We can build a boat and realize we already have access. There are no secret islands to discover.
Yeah, that was kind of ridiculous but it's what I felt at the time. Have a good week stranger. I love you and the human race.
I will never know the response because the email didn't exist or I typed it in wrong.
Tinder does get exciting when I am getting exciting matches.
I tell you what though. There is something about getting in some good training. Eating like a light salad and then going for a walk on the beach. Pink skies. Sometimes I miss pastries and coffee and cigarettes but it's not worth it. It's just not worth it. Cigarettes are still so alluring to me. There is like never a bad time for a cigarette but it is ALWAYS a bad time for a cigarette.
Vueve Clicquot and liberation. Then I end up in strip clubs and VIP rooms and driving drunk and hurricaning my life into the ground. That is the past though. That's just what I tell myself when I start thinking about buying a pizza and a couple bottles of Vueve and how fun that would be. Or my trusted black box of caubernet sauvignon. That is a bit more affordable. $1/unit. Man, that shit was my medicine. Now, I have lithium and abilify but what is there for the soul sickness? The existential sickness? Materialism is lacking. Buddhism is lacking. Imagination. Now, there is something there. Family. Friends. Helping people. How can I be helpful?
I don't want to just hold on for tonight or today. Sometimes maybe that is where I am at but I want to live life to the fullest. I think honestly sometimes that is taking a nap. I don't have to be skydiving or at some hot party doing shots to be living.
Compassion. Living from the heart. Getting a good night's sleep.
Why aren't we all driving Teslas? Well, I guess I can't really talk because I drive a Subaru Forester. It was given to me by my mom. I can't afford to drive any other car.
The Macbook Pro is really a beautiful product. I have a desktop in storage that I don't even think about.
Can love really overcome fear? I mean that is this narrative we have been given through out our lives usually in some form of moneymaking enterprise. It's what sells but it gets muddled with the narrative that we need a lot of money, and need to be physically attractive, and have a lot of stuff. I look at people with heavily branded items and I just feel like they are a bit confused. Sometimes I am a bit confused but I am not that confused. Oh well, I don't feel like talking about this anymore so I am out. Much love LP. Until next time.
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