I come on here because I am desperate: Desperate for attention, desperate for connection, desperate for a change in mood. I get anxious, I feel empty, I am frantic for more experience. The list of things that work is really not that long and they may or may not end up working. I've got Aphex Twin going in really expensive headphones. It's really the best way to listen to him and I have the Steinberg UR12 Audio Interface where I can turn a knob to adjust the volume. That little of a detail makes me content. I also have my MXL990 mic hooked up so I can create music with ease. Material things do bring happiness. With the music and the cologne it really sets up a nice atmosphere for someone as lonely as me. I have found this rather queer behavior to make life a little bit more livable. I'm also in a really old sweatshirt and sweatpants. No casts on the feet. Peak relaxation.
It's nice to have these moments. To linger contemplatively. My whole city is shutdown from a "snowstorm." I am a sum of my actions. If I want a job I need to call on potential employers. I don't want a job. I need a job. It's a fact of life we need to consider income versus expenses. I am not an exception. Money problems can really make life hell. One thing that I have going for me is that I have been to hell and back. I wish it were not so but while leaving trauma it also toughened me up. Hell is not other people. Hell is being homeless in the winter with no health insurance and no psych meds.
The New Year and no one is here. Probably a good thing right?
The New Year is ripe for a fresh start eh?
New year, new day, new moment!
And I am here typing up a blog on a dead ass website but I want to chill out a little bit and listen to music.
I'm finally home. I can get cleaned up a bit and GET AFTER IT in the gym! Do some deadlifts, some Bulgarian Split Squats, and go heavy on some back extensions. Get stronger and more athletic. Life doesn't end at 40!
I read a stat the other day that among Gen Z males, suicide is up 40%. Among Gen Z females it is up 56%. I can feel it. I try not to feel it so much for my own mental health but the truth shall set you free. Why are so many people committing suicide these days, how can I avoid it myself and how can I potentially help others?
I guess that is a potentially dark start. It's so crazy how all of us specs are just floating around existing. I am at my brother's house with my parents helping out with babysitting. I'll probably crash before midnight. I don't know if that is depressing or not. I'm reading a good book (Sentimental Education by Flaubert). I'm safe, I'm healthy, I'm not feeling that bad really. NYE is amateur night out in da club. I don't want to be around a bunch of belligerent drunks. So, per usual I am empty, alone, and listening to Andy Stott.
That's the thing about hedonic adaptation. Most people would probably say my life sucks. Especially, this underlying concern about money but I don't know it's not that bad. Constantly being tortured would be worse. There are a number of things that would make my life better. Hedonic adaptation and entrenched habit and I am ok but it also keeps me from getting better. How much better would I get? What is the word like marginal gains? What if it is really difficult to just get a little bit of improvement?
I don't need Rick Owens clothing. I don't need a lot of material anything.
Exercise - check
Connection - oops
Meditation - sometimes
It would obviously be better to have a consistent meditation practice.
Gratitude - sometimes
Sleep - I typically sleep pretty well
That is the foundation of "happiness" even though I don't like that word.
I know connection is important but I am too broke to have friends at this point. It's not so bad up North where I can spend time with my siblings, etc. but down South all I have is my parents and that is not healthy. So, it always comes back to being broke. Get a job you bum! And that's basically it.
A job in these happiness scenarios is just assumed or a job that isn't too bad which may be more difficult to acheive than most people think. The quest for bread. It afflicts all the disinherited.
I think I'm just feeling a little antsy. Spending too much time with family can wear on anybody. Close quarters. There is no where for me to go except for the gym and I took a day off today. We need distractions and I need free or extraordinarily cheap activities.
I'm not really sure what I am going to get into tonight. That means in general about what I am going to do tonight before I go to sleep and in the more specific as in what this blog is going to be about.
I went to a Christmas concert tonight that was pretty good. It was a string quintet playing all sorts of songs like Vivaldi - Winter and Bach to old school Christmas songs and even some Mariah Carey. It was something to do on a Saturday night.
I have to get my tits going good so I can wear ridiculous deep v t-shirts showing them off. Such ridiculous v-neck t-shirts that you show the upper abs off too. Women should let their tits out. Men should let their tits out too. Tomorrow is Chest/Triceps day is why I bring it up. I don't think I'm quite at the right volume or frequency yet optimization wise but I did do a side chest pose and most muscular pose when I was pumped up and it looked pretty good. So good I was turned on and masturbated to myself flexing in the mirror right then and there.
After that I was exhausted so I played some World of Warcraft Classic (WoW C). I feel like I am really coming a long way with my life as I level this character up. I am seeing personal growth in new depths and dimensions than I could have ever imagined. Running around smacking stuff over and over and over again.
I need some new reading too. I'm not sure what I'll go with but I am sure I'll find something. I feel like I need to read some Jane Austen or something like that. I have been reading these Huysmans and Bret Easton Ellis it's all about torture and murder. While brilliant and I am happy I read them I'd like to read something that doesn't have torture and murder. I've had enough of it and quite frankly I don't think anyone could do it better than Huysmans and Bret Easton Ellis. I was reading these short stories by David Foster Wallace (DFW) and he had one just today about torture, rape, and murder. It was actually pretty good but not as good as Huysmans or Brett Easton Ellis. So, I am all out of books and I am not quite sure where to go from here.
Oh well, I guess I can start looking for a new book. Any suggestions always welcome.
I had the thought my blog always ends up being about me. Not always. Those are probably my best blog posts. The biggest reason it always ends up being about me is I don't think I'm skilled enough to put out serious essays especially with sources and notes and such. I used to do this in academia but I got a degree and never went back. I'm more of a consumer (reading) than a producer (meaningful writing).
I just finished The Brothers' Karamazov by Dostoevsky (good read) and started Who Fears Death by Okorafur (jury's out but I like it so far). That's on top of reading some non-fiction. God knows I have the time.
My mom also got me a subscription to The New York Times. It lets me know what The Regime is up to more or less. It lets me know what the propaghanda arm of Blackrock Inc. and Harvard University and the CIA is saying. NYT is probably slightly better than Elon Musk propaghanda (X). The X algorithm got really fucked some times too. Good fucking riddance.
Being away from LP for a while forced me to find all new stuff and gravitated towards reading versus video games which is a very good thing. I still missed some writing outlet even if it's not meaningful. I even considered writing a blog and sending it to lostaccount to post lol. So, it's a problem. I recognize this.
I am also attempting to purge sports from my brain as well as red v blue political bull shit. See what my brain can come up with with more room in there.
I've been having dreams about painting but sadly I am too broke to paint currently. That is ok though. This vacation from work has mostly been about reading and walking at the core. I continue to read and walk and I'll be ok. Perhaps up my getting a job game. I am waking up between 6am - 8am. I got a haircut today. It looks pretty good. It's funny how a good haircut can be an instant confidence booster. I also need to get better with my exposure therapy irt driving a car. It is a lot easier to get a job within a 30 min. radius in a car than trying to find something remote.
Well, lostaccount wanted an update and I can't sleep at the moment so here WE GOOOOOO!:
My bank account is dwindling and dwindling. I'm starting to drive further and further. My haircut looks like I have been out of work for 9 months (I have). I want to get a haircut that looks like I am running for office. I am thinking short on the sides and back and then going with a sidepart or a slickback. Suggestions welcome!
It's been interesting how I've been keeping myself busy. I started watching Avatar: The Last Airbender and Succession. I'm finally reading a book Stroggoz suggested to me probably almost 10 years ago. I don't remember the title. Something about Corporate Propaghanda vs Freedom and Liberty. Sometimes it takes me a while to get to a book but I typically will get to it at some point. I've just been really into politics lately. I read Hillbilly Elegy by JD Vance. I think Trump / Vance have about 66.6667% chance to win to keep the numbers simple. I'm not a big fan of Kamala Harris but is she better than Project 2025? Why do our choices have to be between insane situations?
I just hold on to stuff ya know? I got to get some of it out ya know? If I'm going to have any shot at recovery.
I have to start with poker because this road to mastery makes me feel alive. Of course there is the gambling too. That plays a part in ALIVE! But, many of the times I play recently my hands shake uncontrollably. Imagine you get QQ and you go to raise and your hand is not cooperating. I have to hold the mouse with 2 hands and hope to get the right bet out. I should be focusing on hand ranges not if I can actually get a legitimate bet out across the line. I guess I have been studying a lot but it's time to get some hands in.
I see my Doctor on Tuesday so we will see how that goes. I just have to remember everything that has been going on and be honest about it.
I have been going through some bizarre mental illness or neurology problem. I get the shakes sometimes. Sometimes the shakes get out of control. It happens when I play poker too which is the last of my worries because it happened to me while driving and now I don't have any confidence in driving. I feel like I am pretty fucked. And in relation to poker it was like I finally got the AC fixed, I finally was finding some mindset A game poker strategies that helped a ton, I knew where my leaks were. Like, you can't reallly just say to your leaks play better poker it has to be more specific and I was finally getting specific. Poker is all I really have now and I don't have it because of this shaking bit. I could play and be fine or I could be shaking so much I have to guide the mouse with my left hand trying to make the correct bet size.
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