sup

Oh god there is a lot of space to fill...

That's basically what this website is and what any website is anywhere. Click here and get Content. However, it is not a philosophy website. It is not a literature website. It is not a culture website. It is a barely breathing poker website. I am still self-interested in producing something at least some what interesting since that will produce responses and my internet addiction can continue. This is basically a PSA to step it up people. I want to feed my internet addiction and that is difficult to do on this site only yet as I said even 10-12 posters and we talk about interesting stuff is good for me.

The Waitress at the Restaurant Down The Street



I may never see her again.



That is what my blog is for. Mourning over the waitresses that I will never love or that will never love me.

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I know that it feels better to get 5 reps heavy on a last set on the deadlift. Certainly feels better than getting a level in Baldur's Gate 3. I want to get a level in real life.

I was talking to my friend the other day saying how I want more adventure in my life. He said that adventure is selfish. On grand scale think of someone like Alexander the Great or the Conquistadors in Aztec Latin America. Fucking murderous greed super selfish.

So, I don't know what I want but at least I got a haircut so at least I have that going for me.

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Bro, it feels like I'm on DMT. I've died like 6 or 7 times. I've orgasmed 2 or 3. Fuck. Time has ceased to exist.

I do virtually the same thing each day. I don't know if it's a desirable existance.

I read the Bronze Age Mindset because I thought it might help me in some way. Just a fellow internet dude wondering why life feels so empty. I could definitely use steel and sun. I was actually making good progress in the weight room until I injured my shoulder than just sort of stopped showing up. I remember my shirts (XXL) stopped fitting in the arms and I was like damn this Greyskull really works.

I want to have sex. Good sex. I might start drinking again and smoking again. How am I going to have good sex with out drinking? My sister gets to grow 12 plants in her backyard! Drugs are there to lubricate the adventure. Alas, I'm not going to try to fucking drink or smoke again but I will try to have adventure where I can. Or, I am just too old.

11am - wake up
11:15am - bagel with cream cheese + coffee
12pm - spend some time online
1pm - read Bronze Aged Mindset or a Houellebecq
2pm - gobalagook for lunch
3pm - spend some time online
4pm - Bronze Aged Mindset or a Houellebecq

Then like what the fuck am I even going to do after dinner at ~6pm. Oh yeah, I take frequent naps. More time online and more Bronzed Aged Mindset or a Houellebecq. Then, I am told in Bronzed Aged Mindset to live like Alcibiades or Pedro de Alvarado. Alcibiades is quite epic and surely an exmaple of something. Alvarado was simply a cruel, greedy, murderous conquistador. Bronzed Aged Pervert (BAP) calls people on the left bugmen or vermin..... I am trying to find some meaning from the book because I am desperate. He draws from Nietzsche, Shopenhauer, and Bronze Aged Greece which is a good start. I feel like the rhetoric is just too bonkers although I don't think he is an out and out troll. I actually think he is quite brilliant with what he is doing here I am just not good enough to figure out exactly what he is doing here. It has to do with the far right (hard right) but I haven't figured it all out yet. I feel like Trump is already utitlizing its powers.

I obviously would like to feel more power but I'm out of the military. A military led ruling class eugenics project is out there. It has to do with the Overton window and negotiation. You put military led ruling class eugenics project on the table then something like fascism with stronger stance on immigration doesn't seem so unpalatable.

I'm falling into it too. The left isn't "cool" if these Peter Thiel operations backing the cool kids to make podcasts about how the left isn't cool and the new right is cool I'm falling right into it. And no one wants to be a shitlib.

I don't want military ruling class eugenics projects or fascists or Trumps but I do want politics to be exiting and I want to be "cool" but not at the expense of what can happen. We already have Milei going nuts in Argentina. Let's see how that turns out. And let's rewind a bit to Trump vs Biden. Two very sub-par presidents are going to duke it out again. Good grief.

And all I want is to just feel a bit more. The thing is I perhaps could get it from politics. I'm naturally going to pay more attention as everything ramps up. I'm just stuck in the house due to rain and it has been one too many days of the routine of it all just kind of catching up with me. I snuck out today for some fresh air it just needs to be more of that.

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It feels like an intermission in my life. I changed houses again and now I am staying with my sister. My parents are hogging the tv and I am in different surroundings listening to Hermanos Gutierrez. Really good shit. They are from Ecuador and use late 1950s guitars and old amps and pedals and shit and get a really good sound. I was wondering what I was going to write about. I don't know if I am in the mood for self-reflection. My sister's place is really cool. I don't know if I want to bring up my brother or sister-in-law who were kind of pissing me off. I could share on here but I think the best thing to do is to let it go. I am out of their house. I'll let it go or at least try.

My sister let her guitar go to shit so I am going to take it in to get fixed tomorrow so I can get some playing in.

Ok, cool, the tv is open. I might binge 2nd season of The White Lotus tonight.

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God is dead and we killed him. - Nietzsche

God is dead... so what?

God is dead so we should get septum piercings and cover our bodies with tattoos and fuck and suck a lot.

- Anna Khachiyan

God is dead so we need other ways in which to ground ourselves and find meaning in our lives. It's just a shame I can't go to a torrent site and download some soul. I can not help my melancholy. I am Russian after all. Perhaps my neuroticsm could be credited to being Russian as well. Dyosteovsky is my brother.

I am not sure if I can move away from this problem. The problem that God is dead. Spotify suggested that Boulder, Colorado is where I should move based on their data. My siblings ask me when I am going to move to Ohio. My friends in Pennsylvania ask me when I am moving back. A better connection with humans would probably insantly improve my life.

I am going back up to Ohio to live in a log cabin for 2 to 3 days in nature with my family. That is probably a good amount of time before we get on each other's nerves. Then it will be another week or so staying at my sister's place. I have plenty to read and hopefully we do some stuff. At the very least it should be a distraction from what I will end up doing in 2024. I figure I have the rest of 2023 to just do what I want with out distraction and that a more serious job search must commence. I may not get back to that high of reading Baudrillard with seeming freedom. I can at least get a handful of books in before 2024.

I hope the rest of your Decembers go how you would like them to go. I always found this part of the year to be a nice and mostly chill part of the year. That definitely is not true working retail. Thank God I am not working in retail for the rest of the month. See, gratitude. I can be grateful for something.

I could probably be well into a novel at this point if I did not write these blogs. I'd like to try my hand at writing a novel. Just to do something and finish something really hard to do. Everyone says I should paint. I am too broke too paint. I need materials and a studio. It's a shame because I think that is where my talent lies and where paradise exists. I don't think I'm particularly talented at guitar and many times I am not compelled to practice.

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First of all, where are you Curbed? I'm going to start calling him CurbedYourEnthusiasm instead of CurbStomp. I picture Curbed that has good fun drinking too much on the weekends and is so much into the bliss machine that is Alan Wake 2 he doesn't have the time to respond to me on his thoughts on the matter. Even though I heard that game is only 20 hours of play. Curbed no longer romanticizes curb stomping people that are different from him. It's like in the movie American History X Edward Norton's charachter moves on from all of that.

So, I ate some food tonight with some boomers. It was kind of rough I'm not going to lie. When is the right time to explain to them that the CIA has probably consulted on every USA movie since it's inception? I mean I'd have to tap in my dude Stroggoz to really get to the bottom of that situation anyway. I just know Iron Man was an anti-arms movie that turned into CIA wet dream pretty pretty quick. I cannot say that that is what happened for every movie since CIA inception although that probably is true.

I have to be careful in what I say so it's not a great situtation. I had to tell myself not to bite the hand that feeds. It's not worth it but that is a shitty situation to be in. It is times like that that it becomes lucid that I am just a desperate pissant.

In a way I am not really sure I agreed with anything that was said. So, not having the power or the freedom to fight back but it's not like it was that serious. 4 moderate boomers just regurgitating the same beliefs they had in university and 1 pissant that has read some stuff that wants to continue to get free lodging and free food.

“I want to talk about everything with at least one person as I talk about things with myself.” ? Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Idiot

Nails it. It's not their fault. What could possibly be expected from a loner that expects so much? I am blowing this out of proportion but I really don't want to bite the hands that feeds and that feeling is repugnant. Something tells me I should sit with that feeling vs hop on a bliss machine ride. There is something there. I may feel I have a one up on a lot of employed people right now but I don't. "HAHAHA careful RiKD don't bite the hand that feeds or else you will be homeless." But we should not be fighting each other. We are on the same team. I don't want someone to have to be homeless if they lose their job. That's the only reason I could lose my job is that I wouldn't be homeless but the only reason I wouldn't be homeless is because my parents take care of me.

I wish everything would have just worked out perfectly. I was the odd person out really. The world runs on moderate boomers not millenial freaks living in their bedroom only leaving the house to walk the dog. At least I am learning the blues for real on the guitar. I left mid-socializing period to go practice. My mom and her friend were talking about a book I will never read and my dad and friend were talking about their choir experiences.

So, 5 hours sitting in that experience is a lot. I want to add that talking about religion, God, politics is mostly just not that interesting and I was just in a mood I suppose. I wish I could be different but I was not.

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Wake up. Try to wake up at least. Bagel with non-dairy cream cheese. Coffee with oatmilk. Some sun maybe somewhere and the bowell movement hits at some point in time. We all poop. We all die.

I put a halt on all my reading except for I started reading The Shining by Stephen King. I never read a King novel before just felt intrigued to try one.

Also, Curb you gotta update me on whether Alan Wake 2 is the game or Control. I played the Max Payne's ages ago what a fucking trip those were.

I am hitting a period of NEETdom that starts to feel less focused. As long as my dopamine is getting hit in the right way I am letting it take me away. I have hit the wall on Baudrillard. This is true of both Baudrillard and also Heidegger. Sometimes I find myself in a groove where that is all I want to consume but going to something else and coming back I have lost the love affair. The Pale King by David Foster Wallace I have mixed feelings. Some of it is truly great but it is too much of a project that he was incapable of finishing. What is left over is kind of a mess. In some ways a beautiful mess but you can't convince me that we can all find meaning out of the boredom of doing tax returns. So, I needed something to just scramble it all up a bit and something new.

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Dionysus used to be my homeboy. Now, I just never pick up his calls. He calls less and less often. I would bet that he is drunk. I'm more intersted in Aphrodite. Give me my Helen of Troy please oh please oh please. I had the idea that was influenced by Baudrillard that women are the ones that seduce. Guys are just kind of there and have to not mess it up. Not to say that a man can not be charismatic. It's a movement, it's lack of movement, it's a smell, it's a whole number of things.

Oh well, we don't have enough time tonight to figure it all out and that's ok. That's ok.

How is your week going? Almost time for the weekend? Good Stuff!

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If the below are true you are doing it well:

- There's no place I'd rather be
- There's no thing I'd rather be doing
- There's nobody I'd rather be with
- This I will remember well

(Albert Borgmann)

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I'm back in this god forsaken hotel and I just drank a fucking strong coffee. What the fuck am I doing?

Sometimes I wonder what my family says about me behind my back. Being around family for a while they all talked shit about each other including the fucking kids!

I guess I am a true boss though because I don't actually care what they say about me. I am outside of the society to a certain degree. It sucks to be outside of society when you want into society. I don't really know how it feels to be in society. BUT, if I am sort of in society for some benefits but mostly outside of it do avoid the pitfalls it could be alright. No expectations. The stoics talked a lot about this including Seneca. Though they did not talk about fucking Rock N Roll. Fear of God sweatpants and a NIN t-shirt sittin' in a borgeous ass restaurant ordering vegan foods.

Now, I am stuck in this GOD FORSAKEN HOTEL with my parents and they are watching Big Bang Theory and I might just jump out of a window. That is not Rock N Roll.

So, there are periods in my life of Rock N Roll and liberation and there are times in my life where I feel like a caged rat or a slave. Even without a job I am still a slave to money.

Also, this Fear of God sweatpants / NIN tshirt character is not a fucking authentic identity. It's run of the mill hack shit. Same with my tattoos, my beard, my haircut. It's all horseshit hell of the same. It's not original and it's not Rock N Roll. It's all a farce. I just try to wear the clothes I have that are clean and brush my teeth and floss and use mouth wash and make sure to lather a soap over my body and rinse it off. I can't afford any new clothes so what I got is what I got.

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