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I have been going through some bizarre mental illness or neurology problem. I get the shakes sometimes. Sometimes the shakes get out of control. It happens when I play poker too which is the last of my worries because it happened to me while driving and now I don't have any confidence in driving. I feel like I am pretty fucked. And in relation to poker it was like I finally got the AC fixed, I finally was finding some mindset A game poker strategies that helped a ton, I knew where my leaks were. Like, you can't reallly just say to your leaks play better poker it has to be more specific and I was finally getting specific. Poker is all I really have now and I don't have it because of this shaking bit. I could play and be fine or I could be shaking so much I have to guide the mouse with my left hand trying to make the correct bet size.

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All this poker talk and I find myself playing again. It's related to Alan Wake 2.

I know when I wake up in the morning I have some valuable activities that I can take part in. I can garden, I can play my guitar, I can go for a walk, I can read, I can connect with friends. These are all Rockstar Activities. Sometimes when I am bored I don't want to contemplate philosophy / life. I want a game like Alan Wake 2 to cut through the time. Then I realized poker is probably / maybe a better activity than that. One similarity I realized between Alan Wake 2 and poker is that the cortisol gets churning in the belly and the adrenaline starts pumping through the veins. Sometimes it is a kind of uncomfortable sensation but sometimes it leads to flow and some sort of high. It's probably something that humans can get addicted to. I noticed there are times when I don't want to play Alan Wake 2 or poker because I don't want to jump into that suffering feeling. I'm risking an uncomfortable feeling to win a flow state and to win at the game and making me slightly happy. I'm also risking losing at the game which makes me slightly sad. I could also lose a lot and sit in a lot of suffering or I could win a lot and feel better than God.

Between a GTO trainer and GTO charts it's incredibly easy to play well pre-flop versus what I was doing in 2010. Although it's pretty pretty difficult to play perfect. I was just thinking about one today. I raise sb. bb 3bets. I have Jd9d. I'm supposed to raise about 60% and call 40%. The RNG says 59. My inclination is just to call but that is wrong. I have no idea why I raise the Jd9d in this spot so much. I mean the solver has the bb 3betting some J + small hands (suited)...

Playing better pf makes post-flop go a lot smoother but I need some work post-flop because the turns and rivers are where the money is made. The (solver) strategy and betsizes really owns 2010 poker.

I just wonder what I should be doing with my time. I spend a fair amount of time on the job hunt M-F but on my downtime what should I be doing? How do I get better post flop without a solver? Should I even be playing poker in the first place? Should I read The Burnout Society for like the 5th time?

I already read a couple of Simone Weil's books. There is no straightforward path of what to read next it seems. But it kind of is funny that I was going down this spiritual path of Catholicism and now I am playing poker. I guess I am just wondering about the endgame with poker. It's Saturday I have time on my hands. I think I would prefer to read a good book than to play poker but the new strategies of poker really interest me.

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Malheur. I am not even sure if I understand this word because it supposedly has a hard time being translated in English. I mean a simple translation would be bad-time. Misfortune, woe, adversity, affliction with a hint of impending doom. Surprisingly, I am not there at the moment but I think I do understand this word very well.

I had a job interview the other day that I thought might have been the one but it was not meant to be. I am not sure what the owner and store manager wanted but I guess I was not it. They have a business to run but it hurts a little bit. A lot of it is the time and effort involved. I was likely the last cut made but if they don't want me for their business it's their loss and potentially my gain. If I think a little bit harder and reflect I'm certainly flirting with malheur. I'm in a shitty position and don't know the best way to get out. We've been here before. I'm just venting. I'll cross the bridge and ascend.

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I don't think I love my literal neighbors. They are kind of lame. I probably love a stranger from Gaza more. I remember I used to come home drunk and sing Pavarotti at 2am at this one apartment and no one complained. That is love for the wretched not love our neighbor. It is easier to love if you know nothing or everything.

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Whatever will be, will be.

I'm still writing my novel. Up to 80 some pages. I still feel a bit blocked. It's like what I've added some of it is decent and some of it moves the story but a lot of it could probably be cut and it wouldn't matter too much. I'm still stuck on where the story is going and how to finish it. I keep going just figuring I'll figure it out but the writing is ok but I'm not figuring it out yet. People tell me to keep writing which I do but I have to reel it in at some point and tell a good story and end it well. Maybe I should just say fuck the reader and write whatever I want. End the book abruptly with nuclear acopalypse. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be.

I went back to my MacBook Pro today from 2009. 15 years old and it still works. Although it's operating system is too old to run barely anything. It does have a working Notes (word processor). I prefer Notes to anything Windows has to offer. I am thinking of transferring my desktop to Linux. Be that kind of nerd. I was a Firefox / DuckDuckGo nerd on my MacBook Pro.

I'm flourishing in a flourish of Byung-Chul Han. The Compulsion Of Authenticity from The Disapearrance of Rituals has to be one of the better chapters he has written.

It really is que sera, sera though. Whatever will be, will be. Makes me want to read Seneca vs. Jesus. Marcus Aurelius Meditations vs any other religious crap. Sometimes things feel overwhelming. It would be nice to believe in faith. Life is not that simple.

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If you build it they will come they say. If I could just figure out The Entertainment I could get people to come to my blog and have high replies and viewership. Although the true Entertainment is so entertaining that people die of dehdration consuming The Entertainment.

Who is there to reply and view? This site certainly is not growing and never will again.

Why don't I stop this and write a novel? Well, novels are bloody difficult to write. I'm not sure I have it in me. I should probably just plan to be white trash at this point. Shoot guns, jerk off to porn, be ignorant. That's way less difficult than writing a novel. I already practice the guitar. I need a studio to paint, blah blah blah. I'm frustrated over here ya know?

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Comments (177)

“A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.” -Arthur Schopenhauer

"Great men are like eagles, and build their nest on some lofty solitude" -Arthur Schopenhauer

Man, I must be pretty great with the lofty solitude I've built my nest upon. But, what does this Schopenhauer know anyway?

He's short, he's bald, he's like the George Costanza of 19th century philosophy.... He was certainly a powerhouse. Nietzsche's "great father" until Nietzsche kind of separated himself from Schopie when Nietzsche started reaching new power levels and coming into his own with works like Human, All Too Human and The Gayest Science. Of course, there was that other book that arrived Thus Sprakken zie Zarathustra which perhaps made people gayer than The Gayest Science.

I do a lot of cool stuff in solitude but it's not like what Art is talking about. It's not about being some nerd and spending screen time on bullshit (like this). Writing something meaningful would get in the club. Reading something meaningful would as well. I think I am drawing dead at doing something meaningful in Math or Physics at this point. Sadly, I was probably drawing dead my whole life. But, damn, Schopie for being a notorious pessimisstic philosopher really pumps me up. Of cousre, he is biased here. It's Art's interpretation of the situation but I can get down with this. Tonight, I feel great in solitude. I'm soaring with the Eagles. It's the only time I'm free.

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Comments (14)

Oh god there is a lot of space to fill...

That's basically what this website is and what any website is anywhere. Click here and get Content. However, it is not a philosophy website. It is not a literature website. It is not a culture website. It is a barely breathing poker website. I am still self-interested in producing something at least some what interesting since that will produce responses and my internet addiction can continue. This is basically a PSA to step it up people. I want to feed my internet addiction and that is difficult to do on this site only yet as I said even 10-12 posters and we talk about interesting stuff is good for me.

The Waitress at the Restaurant Down The Street



I may never see her again.



That is what my blog is for. Mourning over the waitresses that I will never love or that will never love me.

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I know that it feels better to get 5 reps heavy on a last set on the deadlift. Certainly feels better than getting a level in Baldur's Gate 3. I want to get a level in real life.

I was talking to my friend the other day saying how I want more adventure in my life. He said that adventure is selfish. On grand scale think of someone like Alexander the Great or the Conquistadors in Aztec Latin America. Fucking murderous greed super selfish.

So, I don't know what I want but at least I got a haircut so at least I have that going for me.

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Comments (65)

Bro, it feels like I'm on DMT. I've died like 6 or 7 times. I've orgasmed 2 or 3. Fuck. Time has ceased to exist.

I do virtually the same thing each day. I don't know if it's a desirable existance.

I read the Bronze Age Mindset because I thought it might help me in some way. Just a fellow internet dude wondering why life feels so empty. I could definitely use steel and sun. I was actually making good progress in the weight room until I injured my shoulder than just sort of stopped showing up. I remember my shirts (XXL) stopped fitting in the arms and I was like damn this Greyskull really works.

I want to have sex. Good sex. I might start drinking again and smoking again. How am I going to have good sex with out drinking? My sister gets to grow 12 plants in her backyard! Drugs are there to lubricate the adventure. Alas, I'm not going to try to fucking drink or smoke again but I will try to have adventure where I can. Or, I am just too old.

11am - wake up
11:15am - bagel with cream cheese + coffee
12pm - spend some time online
1pm - read Bronze Aged Mindset or a Houellebecq
2pm - gobalagook for lunch
3pm - spend some time online
4pm - Bronze Aged Mindset or a Houellebecq

Then like what the fuck am I even going to do after dinner at ~6pm. Oh yeah, I take frequent naps. More time online and more Bronzed Aged Mindset or a Houellebecq. Then, I am told in Bronzed Aged Mindset to live like Alcibiades or Pedro de Alvarado. Alcibiades is quite epic and surely an exmaple of something. Alvarado was simply a cruel, greedy, murderous conquistador. Bronzed Aged Pervert (BAP) calls people on the left bugmen or vermin..... I am trying to find some meaning from the book because I am desperate. He draws from Nietzsche, Shopenhauer, and Bronze Aged Greece which is a good start. I feel like the rhetoric is just too bonkers although I don't think he is an out and out troll. I actually think he is quite brilliant with what he is doing here I am just not good enough to figure out exactly what he is doing here. It has to do with the far right (hard right) but I haven't figured it all out yet. I feel like Trump is already utitlizing its powers.

I obviously would like to feel more power but I'm out of the military. A military led ruling class eugenics project is out there. It has to do with the Overton window and negotiation. You put military led ruling class eugenics project on the table then something like fascism with stronger stance on immigration doesn't seem so unpalatable.

I'm falling into it too. The left isn't "cool" if these Peter Thiel operations backing the cool kids to make podcasts about how the left isn't cool and the new right is cool I'm falling right into it. And no one wants to be a shitlib.

I don't want military ruling class eugenics projects or fascists or Trumps but I do want politics to be exiting and I want to be "cool" but not at the expense of what can happen. We already have Milei going nuts in Argentina. Let's see how that turns out. And let's rewind a bit to Trump vs Biden. Two very sub-par presidents are going to duke it out again. Good grief.

And all I want is to just feel a bit more. The thing is I perhaps could get it from politics. I'm naturally going to pay more attention as everything ramps up. I'm just stuck in the house due to rain and it has been one too many days of the routine of it all just kind of catching up with me. I snuck out today for some fresh air it just needs to be more of that.

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