sup

It feels like an intermission in my life. I changed houses again and now I am staying with my sister. My parents are hogging the tv and I am in different surroundings listening to Hermanos Gutierrez. Really good shit. They are from Ecuador and use late 1950s guitars and old amps and pedals and shit and get a really good sound. I was wondering what I was going to write about. I don't know if I am in the mood for self-reflection. My sister's place is really cool. I don't know if I want to bring up my brother or sister-in-law who were kind of pissing me off. I could share on here but I think the best thing to do is to let it go. I am out of their house. I'll let it go or at least try.

My sister let her guitar go to shit so I am going to take it in to get fixed tomorrow so I can get some playing in.

Ok, cool, the tv is open. I might binge 2nd season of The White Lotus tonight.

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God is dead and we killed him. - Nietzsche

God is dead... so what?

God is dead so we should get septum piercings and cover our bodies with tattoos and fuck and suck a lot.

- Anna Khachiyan

God is dead so we need other ways in which to ground ourselves and find meaning in our lives. It's just a shame I can't go to a torrent site and download some soul. I can not help my melancholy. I am Russian after all. Perhaps my neuroticsm could be credited to being Russian as well. Dyosteovsky is my brother.

I am not sure if I can move away from this problem. The problem that God is dead. Spotify suggested that Boulder, Colorado is where I should move based on their data. My siblings ask me when I am going to move to Ohio. My friends in Pennsylvania ask me when I am moving back. A better connection with humans would probably insantly improve my life.

I am going back up to Ohio to live in a log cabin for 2 to 3 days in nature with my family. That is probably a good amount of time before we get on each other's nerves. Then it will be another week or so staying at my sister's place. I have plenty to read and hopefully we do some stuff. At the very least it should be a distraction from what I will end up doing in 2024. I figure I have the rest of 2023 to just do what I want with out distraction and that a more serious job search must commence. I may not get back to that high of reading Baudrillard with seeming freedom. I can at least get a handful of books in before 2024.

I hope the rest of your Decembers go how you would like them to go. I always found this part of the year to be a nice and mostly chill part of the year. That definitely is not true working retail. Thank God I am not working in retail for the rest of the month. See, gratitude. I can be grateful for something.

I could probably be well into a novel at this point if I did not write these blogs. I'd like to try my hand at writing a novel. Just to do something and finish something really hard to do. Everyone says I should paint. I am too broke too paint. I need materials and a studio. It's a shame because I think that is where my talent lies and where paradise exists. I don't think I'm particularly talented at guitar and many times I am not compelled to practice.

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First of all, where are you Curbed? I'm going to start calling him CurbedYourEnthusiasm instead of CurbStomp. I picture Curbed that has good fun drinking too much on the weekends and is so much into the bliss machine that is Alan Wake 2 he doesn't have the time to respond to me on his thoughts on the matter. Even though I heard that game is only 20 hours of play. Curbed no longer romanticizes curb stomping people that are different from him. It's like in the movie American History X Edward Norton's charachter moves on from all of that.

So, I ate some food tonight with some boomers. It was kind of rough I'm not going to lie. When is the right time to explain to them that the CIA has probably consulted on every USA movie since it's inception? I mean I'd have to tap in my dude Stroggoz to really get to the bottom of that situation anyway. I just know Iron Man was an anti-arms movie that turned into CIA wet dream pretty pretty quick. I cannot say that that is what happened for every movie since CIA inception although that probably is true.

I have to be careful in what I say so it's not a great situtation. I had to tell myself not to bite the hand that feeds. It's not worth it but that is a shitty situation to be in. It is times like that that it becomes lucid that I am just a desperate pissant.

In a way I am not really sure I agreed with anything that was said. So, not having the power or the freedom to fight back but it's not like it was that serious. 4 moderate boomers just regurgitating the same beliefs they had in university and 1 pissant that has read some stuff that wants to continue to get free lodging and free food.

“I want to talk about everything with at least one person as I talk about things with myself.” ? Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Idiot

Nails it. It's not their fault. What could possibly be expected from a loner that expects so much? I am blowing this out of proportion but I really don't want to bite the hands that feeds and that feeling is repugnant. Something tells me I should sit with that feeling vs hop on a bliss machine ride. There is something there. I may feel I have a one up on a lot of employed people right now but I don't. "HAHAHA careful RiKD don't bite the hand that feeds or else you will be homeless." But we should not be fighting each other. We are on the same team. I don't want someone to have to be homeless if they lose their job. That's the only reason I could lose my job is that I wouldn't be homeless but the only reason I wouldn't be homeless is because my parents take care of me.

I wish everything would have just worked out perfectly. I was the odd person out really. The world runs on moderate boomers not millenial freaks living in their bedroom only leaving the house to walk the dog. At least I am learning the blues for real on the guitar. I left mid-socializing period to go practice. My mom and her friend were talking about a book I will never read and my dad and friend were talking about their choir experiences.

So, 5 hours sitting in that experience is a lot. I want to add that talking about religion, God, politics is mostly just not that interesting and I was just in a mood I suppose. I wish I could be different but I was not.

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Wake up. Try to wake up at least. Bagel with non-dairy cream cheese. Coffee with oatmilk. Some sun maybe somewhere and the bowell movement hits at some point in time. We all poop. We all die.

I put a halt on all my reading except for I started reading The Shining by Stephen King. I never read a King novel before just felt intrigued to try one.

Also, Curb you gotta update me on whether Alan Wake 2 is the game or Control. I played the Max Payne's ages ago what a fucking trip those were.

I am hitting a period of NEETdom that starts to feel less focused. As long as my dopamine is getting hit in the right way I am letting it take me away. I have hit the wall on Baudrillard. This is true of both Baudrillard and also Heidegger. Sometimes I find myself in a groove where that is all I want to consume but going to something else and coming back I have lost the love affair. The Pale King by David Foster Wallace I have mixed feelings. Some of it is truly great but it is too much of a project that he was incapable of finishing. What is left over is kind of a mess. In some ways a beautiful mess but you can't convince me that we can all find meaning out of the boredom of doing tax returns. So, I needed something to just scramble it all up a bit and something new.

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Dionysus used to be my homeboy. Now, I just never pick up his calls. He calls less and less often. I would bet that he is drunk. I'm more intersted in Aphrodite. Give me my Helen of Troy please oh please oh please. I had the idea that was influenced by Baudrillard that women are the ones that seduce. Guys are just kind of there and have to not mess it up. Not to say that a man can not be charismatic. It's a movement, it's lack of movement, it's a smell, it's a whole number of things.

Oh well, we don't have enough time tonight to figure it all out and that's ok. That's ok.

How is your week going? Almost time for the weekend? Good Stuff!

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If the below are true you are doing it well:

- There's no place I'd rather be
- There's no thing I'd rather be doing
- There's nobody I'd rather be with
- This I will remember well

(Albert Borgmann)

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I'm back in this god forsaken hotel and I just drank a fucking strong coffee. What the fuck am I doing?

Sometimes I wonder what my family says about me behind my back. Being around family for a while they all talked shit about each other including the fucking kids!

I guess I am a true boss though because I don't actually care what they say about me. I am outside of the society to a certain degree. It sucks to be outside of society when you want into society. I don't really know how it feels to be in society. BUT, if I am sort of in society for some benefits but mostly outside of it do avoid the pitfalls it could be alright. No expectations. The stoics talked a lot about this including Seneca. Though they did not talk about fucking Rock N Roll. Fear of God sweatpants and a NIN t-shirt sittin' in a borgeous ass restaurant ordering vegan foods.

Now, I am stuck in this GOD FORSAKEN HOTEL with my parents and they are watching Big Bang Theory and I might just jump out of a window. That is not Rock N Roll.

So, there are periods in my life of Rock N Roll and liberation and there are times in my life where I feel like a caged rat or a slave. Even without a job I am still a slave to money.

Also, this Fear of God sweatpants / NIN tshirt character is not a fucking authentic identity. It's run of the mill hack shit. Same with my tattoos, my beard, my haircut. It's all horseshit hell of the same. It's not original and it's not Rock N Roll. It's all a farce. I just try to wear the clothes I have that are clean and brush my teeth and floss and use mouth wash and make sure to lather a soap over my body and rinse it off. I can't afford any new clothes so what I got is what I got.

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I felt it was time to move past that killing myself hmmmm blog post. I haven't had any suicidal ideations in quite some time and the thread petered out a bit. I'm not sure sure I'm even that thrilled myself to go into further discussion regarding basically hooking up with 20 year olds or married women. I guess since I just wrote that sentence out there is a reason it is not ok socially to date 20 years olds as a 40 year old as it could be construed a bit as manipulation. Not in all cases and like 24 is better than 20. 28 is better than 24, etc. Perhaps there is a bit of manipulation in any seduction or perhaps not. There are enough 24 year olds that I don't have to date 20 year olds, etc. The married woman one is a bit more interesting. I could say I don't think I would do it but if the situation arrived I probably would and don't think there is anything ethically wrong with it.

Anyway, as the title says I am drifting Northward to the Midwest to see family and friends and it should be some good times. Other than that I have been reading a lot of Baudrillard lately. Gotta love that Baudrillard. Oh, how I love me some Baudrillard. I have been joking that's all I can really talk about lately and it's not far from the truth so I will just stop typing and enjoy me some Baudrillard or whatever the hell else I can find to do in this god forsaken hotel room.

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It just feels like a time of reflection. I think I am more depressed and burnt out than I realized. I don't know when to quit this job or how. I was talking to my mom about this and she asked what do I want to do next and the first thing that came to mind was "kill myself." I wish I would not have said it but it was the truth. Now, I've got her all worried and she is giving me suicide prevention phone numbers. I'm in the muck. I'm in the muck of myself and it's not a great place to be. There is no Other to pull me out of this. At least not now.

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Just felt like it was the most important thing ever to let you know that I am done with Hegel for now. The Phenomenology was enough for now. I like Hegel but he can be annoying to read sometimes and the payout isn't quite as high as for other philosophers. Basically, I am not ready nor in the mood to dive deeper. I'd rather get back to re-reading Nietzsche. I'm hitting up the trifecta of Nietzsche coming of age meaning Human, All Too Human, The Gay Science, and Thus Spoke Zarathustra. Then, I have some Heidegger that I have been wanting to get through. It's kind of a lot. We get all these books without necessarily thinking about the time to read them all. I'm trying not to race through them either. The best books should be read slowly making sure to absorb every last drop. That is probably an impossible task so really I just enjoy reading and whatever follows follows.

It's funny no one commenting on my anti-religion comments. I understand that #1 there are not many people on this site anymore but more importantly this idea that God is dead and we killed him (Nietzsche) is almost some sort of non-chalant truth these days. Nietzsche wrote that in the early 1880s?

God is dead and we killed him. God is dead and no one cares (Trent Reznor). In a lot of circles it is just not that big of a deal. I get it and I am happy for it. Even though I am not sure what replaces it?

The Other, Nature, Music, Philosophy... something like that?

I don't like my job but I like the benefits and the money it is bringing in. What do I do? I don't know what to do.

I am always tired. It's classic Burnout Society. I've read that book 5+ times and I still end up there.

I hit it off with my barber today. That was fun. We just talked about anime, video games, and music. She has a boyfriend but gave me her card and told me to friend her on facebook. I should have said I don't have facebook because I don't. She said we should go lift together. I am unsure what I am going to do about this situation. It would be nice to have a new friend. I suppose it's easier to just ghost the situation but she cuts my hair well too so I would like her to cut my hair in the future.

I don't know man. Today I was thinking about people on LP that I miss. Then, in poker that I miss but that was all around 15 years ago. I have to find new friends. Real friends. True companions. I need to find The Other.

It all started when I saw TillerMaN was not going to be playing in the WarIII WCG because he was playing poker. Then, I saw Rekrul and Elky and the bunch doing well. I put $150 on Stars and never looked back. Then, I was a pussy and took a job at one of my highest earning potentials in poker. Then, I booked a flight for Buenos Aires, Argentina. I remember I didn't tell anyone I was going until the day of I asked my mom to take me to the airport. But, this is all ages ago.

Are you playing Starfield or Baldur's Gate 3?

I am playing Baldur's Gate 3 for now but a friend told me I have to play Starfield.

So, I've got 2 blogs at the top. Hopefully, we get a travel blog from PuertoRican, a live poker blog from DoomeR in which he crushes the game that day, some weird blog from lostaccount with weird YouTube videos of Christ and who knows what else, I'm probably forgetting some people. NewbSaibot is going to have a disciplined September and win $5k+ in NLHE. I still have love for the LP Spirit albeit its shoddy state in 2023.

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