sup

I felt it was time to move past that killing myself hmmmm blog post. I haven't had any suicidal ideations in quite some time and the thread petered out a bit. I'm not sure sure I'm even that thrilled myself to go into further discussion regarding basically hooking up with 20 year olds or married women. I guess since I just wrote that sentence out there is a reason it is not ok socially to date 20 years olds as a 40 year old as it could be construed a bit as manipulation. Not in all cases and like 24 is better than 20. 28 is better than 24, etc. Perhaps there is a bit of manipulation in any seduction or perhaps not. There are enough 24 year olds that I don't have to date 20 year olds, etc. The married woman one is a bit more interesting. I could say I don't think I would do it but if the situation arrived I probably would and don't think there is anything ethically wrong with it.

Anyway, as the title says I am drifting Northward to the Midwest to see family and friends and it should be some good times. Other than that I have been reading a lot of Baudrillard lately. Gotta love that Baudrillard. Oh, how I love me some Baudrillard. I have been joking that's all I can really talk about lately and it's not far from the truth so I will just stop typing and enjoy me some Baudrillard or whatever the hell else I can find to do in this god forsaken hotel room.

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It just feels like a time of reflection. I think I am more depressed and burnt out than I realized. I don't know when to quit this job or how. I was talking to my mom about this and she asked what do I want to do next and the first thing that came to mind was "kill myself." I wish I would not have said it but it was the truth. Now, I've got her all worried and she is giving me suicide prevention phone numbers. I'm in the muck. I'm in the muck of myself and it's not a great place to be. There is no Other to pull me out of this. At least not now.

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Comments (68)

Just felt like it was the most important thing ever to let you know that I am done with Hegel for now. The Phenomenology was enough for now. I like Hegel but he can be annoying to read sometimes and the payout isn't quite as high as for other philosophers. Basically, I am not ready nor in the mood to dive deeper. I'd rather get back to re-reading Nietzsche. I'm hitting up the trifecta of Nietzsche coming of age meaning Human, All Too Human, The Gay Science, and Thus Spoke Zarathustra. Then, I have some Heidegger that I have been wanting to get through. It's kind of a lot. We get all these books without necessarily thinking about the time to read them all. I'm trying not to race through them either. The best books should be read slowly making sure to absorb every last drop. That is probably an impossible task so really I just enjoy reading and whatever follows follows.

It's funny no one commenting on my anti-religion comments. I understand that #1 there are not many people on this site anymore but more importantly this idea that God is dead and we killed him (Nietzsche) is almost some sort of non-chalant truth these days. Nietzsche wrote that in the early 1880s?

God is dead and we killed him. God is dead and no one cares (Trent Reznor). In a lot of circles it is just not that big of a deal. I get it and I am happy for it. Even though I am not sure what replaces it?

The Other, Nature, Music, Philosophy... something like that?

I don't like my job but I like the benefits and the money it is bringing in. What do I do? I don't know what to do.

I am always tired. It's classic Burnout Society. I've read that book 5+ times and I still end up there.

I hit it off with my barber today. That was fun. We just talked about anime, video games, and music. She has a boyfriend but gave me her card and told me to friend her on facebook. I should have said I don't have facebook because I don't. She said we should go lift together. I am unsure what I am going to do about this situation. It would be nice to have a new friend. I suppose it's easier to just ghost the situation but she cuts my hair well too so I would like her to cut my hair in the future.

I don't know man. Today I was thinking about people on LP that I miss. Then, in poker that I miss but that was all around 15 years ago. I have to find new friends. Real friends. True companions. I need to find The Other.

It all started when I saw TillerMaN was not going to be playing in the WarIII WCG because he was playing poker. Then, I saw Rekrul and Elky and the bunch doing well. I put $150 on Stars and never looked back. Then, I was a pussy and took a job at one of my highest earning potentials in poker. Then, I booked a flight for Buenos Aires, Argentina. I remember I didn't tell anyone I was going until the day of I asked my mom to take me to the airport. But, this is all ages ago.

Are you playing Starfield or Baldur's Gate 3?

I am playing Baldur's Gate 3 for now but a friend told me I have to play Starfield.

So, I've got 2 blogs at the top. Hopefully, we get a travel blog from PuertoRican, a live poker blog from DoomeR in which he crushes the game that day, some weird blog from lostaccount with weird YouTube videos of Christ and who knows what else, I'm probably forgetting some people. NewbSaibot is going to have a disciplined September and win $5k+ in NLHE. I still have love for the LP Spirit albeit its shoddy state in 2023.

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What is the state of your Soul?

How would you rank in Spirit?

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Most people are only concerned with living and not concerned with living well. (Aristotle)

No one is actually free. In current society it is impossible. I try to get free in writing these blogs but I probably only overly expose myself un-needingly. The fact is I was bored. Lying in bed staring at the wall waiting for my laundry to finish. In reality, I was not really waiting for anything except maybe an idea or a realization. My bed is too comfortable for that. I usually just end up falling asleep but not tonight. I am confined in my bed and I am confined at this computer. I am un-confined in Nature. I am un-confined in Dance. I am un-confined writing here? I can write whatever I want. I stare at the blank space and then I create.

I am a lonely boy. I am trying to be strong and alone but having a taste of human connection I want more. I crave the Other even though I can never quite wrap my hands around it. There is a comfort in comfort. In a way I fear the madness of loving an Other but it is the only thing that will drag me out of this depression and burnout. I was so tired after work on Sunday I fell asleep sitting up at my computer. The tiredness can be maddening so I don't see why it is not maybe worthwhile to trade that in for the madness of the Other. Ha, even though I have only found 1 meeting I can get to in a week that I do not dislike going to. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for and I don't know if I will recognize it if I see it. For now, I sit and listen for The Other in music and painting and in everyday civilians. It can be in a look but that is too superficial. A look meaning physical appearance. It can be more so in a look from Another. I have found Others in the past but we don't need to meander there at this juncture.

And again the blank space. And again. And again. It is very much a human trait to fill in the blank space with something. Lying in my bed there are so many possibilities. Sitting here at the keyboard there are so many possibilities. Maybe I am not capable of writing a good novel or a good philosophical essay but I can write. Perhaps it is a better use of my time than scrolling through X. There is a lot of debate about masturbation. I have never found The Other watching pornography. Just some minor relief through sexual objectification. I could be playing Baldur's Gate 3 right now! I think I would prefer to read and write.

In The Agony of Eros Byung-Chul Han talks about Bare Life, bare survival, bare living. There are many people out there only focused on health and survival rather than how to live well. Many people have little options in this area. They can barely manage bare life but even in these cases a concern for living well can make a difference. I know when I was unemployed and dead broke I couldn't afford medical visits but there were things I could do to improve my quality of living. Maybe one of the easiest is meditation. All you need is a place to sit and be capable of breathing. Yeah, it's fun to have a lamborghini but is it worth it?

And, should we be measuring things in fun, pleasure, entertainment?

Most hourly workers make time and a half when we go into overtime. That complicates things. But even so does that extra 10% worked equal an extra 10% in fun, pleasure, entertainment and AGAIN is this really what we should be focusing on?

I like this idea of working for VIRTUE but it's kind of a joke to consider this under capitalism. So, in reality I am working for bare life and then what I can blot out the consciousness with circus. It's horrendous! What if I can work for human connection, The Other, physical movement of the body (exersize, BJJ, dance, tai chi, etc.)?

I miss kissing. The problem with sex workers is that their kiss is a manipulative kiss. They know what they are doing and it's a great kiss but their end is for John to empty his pockets. Civilians may not be as good at kissing but there is something more authentic as they get wet and more excited. It is a mutual seduction. I can hit every position and every frame just how I want to and the sex worker can act a great performance but there is something missing. I am trying to figure out if it would be any different if I were to just cuddle with a sex worker. I wonder if we would produce Oxytocin. Both of us. I wonder if there would be feelings of connection, bonding, and trust. I could use all of that over just simple sexual gratification. Ejaculating into some cum rag and feeling better than empty for a period of time but it generally quickly vanishes as if it never happened.

Burial made Archangel in 20 min. That is astonishing to me. His dog had just died and you can feel the emotion in the song.

I can cuddle with my cat but he really doesn't like cuddling. I need a full size human. Possibly even a big girl.

If models were made for modeling, big girls were made for cuddling. (Andre 3000)

I am pretty wide in my taste for women.

I went back and listened to the stuff I was doing on Ableton. It's actually not bad. I wouldn't change it. I just don't know how to get to a higher level on new stuff. Another thought is that the guitar is more pure music. I don't know. I also just don't know how I would improve at Ableton unless I took lessons from someone really good. But, it seems like all the best just put in a lot of hours teaching themselves and had natural talent. It's a lot of work learning all the ins and outs and then all the ancilliary stuff like the tech. Deciding on a mic and an audio interface and a MIDI keyboard isn't all that hard to do but then hooking it all up and getting it to work is another hurdle.

We'll see what happens. Honestly, the madness of Eros is somewhat dangerous for me because it is inline with mania and psychosis. I think I have to take that chance though. Depression and burnout are worse. The Hell hellish psychosis brings is not better than the inferno of the same though. It's a tricky dance. I gotta take the chance. I gotta roll the dice. I need to put myself in position for The Other. A fat ass in a jumpsuit is lust. She hasn't even made amends to her parents yet and her foot was jiggling like crazy in the meeting. Damn.

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Comments (38)

All efforts to live lead to death (Byung-Chul Han)

Everything we agonize over and everything we don't leads to death. So, let us live in spite of this. What do we work for?

I'd say most of us work for pleasure, entertainment, "fun." It's not great. It is also not like double the work equals double the pleasure. So, we are left empty handed (for the most part). Pleasure is fleeting. Circus is only satiable in certain amounts. So, what happens when I exploit myself for pleasure and the pleasure does not hit right?

Resentiment. Burnout. Depression.

Then, there is the question of how serious the narcissist problem is with me?

I don't think it is that serious but I do like some admiration and attention. I am self-centered too. These blogs are very self-referential and self-absorbed.

But, mostly I am tired. I can't afford to move slow at work. Why not?

At least I can move slow off the clock. What if I was working for virtue instead of pleasure? What would that look like?

I have very few pleasures and I exploit myself overly at work. I think it is a fallacy to look for MORE and/or BETTER pleasure. The question is how do I exploit myself less at work and have more of the Other in my life. The Other is not behind a computer screen. I have to do the work. I have to leave the house.

Even if all these efforts to live lead to death. Everything leads to death. It's what we can find before death that matters. Whether that is being remembered for the good which I do think matters more than any fleeting pleasures. I've been in this city for 7 years now and I think that it is hitting me that a lot of it feels like a waste. No one wants to feel like their life was a waste or that their life is a waste or their life is going to be a waste. On one hand it feels like it all is not that important but on the other hand it feels deathly important. I want to feel better alone doing nothing but at the same time I want friends and The Other. Byung-Chul Han says that man could not dance before they were bored of walking. Sometimes I have to be lying down in my bed slowly looking out the window to truly feel content or think of something new but really my bedroom is too confining. I really should be walking in the right surroundings. A crowded beach is too crowded. I would love to traverse the Alps but those are in Europe so I settle with my neighborhood typically which isn't a terrible walk.

I don't think I am going to get Baldur's Gate 3. Just another slot machine to try and feel a certain way. Going out with friends I suppose is a slot machine in some sense but it feels real. There is breadth and depth there. These people are complicated, interesting humans that should not be compared to a video game.

The Wings of Desire (Der Himmel uber Berlin)
Melancholia
Anomalisa

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Comments (8)

Realization is a strong word. How often do we have realizations?

I thought I had a Spiritual Experience as the result of a 12-step program's Steps. I mean that is how I would describe it. Albeit it was a much more gradual experience. A flip did not switch that allowed me to magically be sober. It was a combination of a number of things over the course of a year or so. I also don't believe that a Spiritual Experience I had in 2014 - 2015 would necessarily be adequate for the rest of my life. To add to that 9 years in I need MORE than just a Spiritual Experience to function as an adult in this society. I need ideas and realizations. It seems like those come at weird times like the shower, a shit, a walk, driving in the car. I don't necessarily think I get ideas from these writings. Oh, I wish I could just shit on a piece of paper and figure something out. However, ideas are nothing with out execution. Realization is a stronger word and realizations are stronger than ideas.

I don't think I am actually a nihilist. I am not a true nihilist but I am on the spectrum. Even nihilists need ideas and realizations. Sometimes I think what is best for this is ultimate repetition or ultimate jolt from comfortable consciousness. It all might come down to our libido as well but I learned that using sex workers and hot strangers for sex while quite grand in the moment offered up a lonliness and emptiness wanting for something more. I don't have my shit together enough to make a woman my girlfriend so I toil away in pain at any number of things. That is where my lonliness comes from it's pretty obvious. I'm lonely because I'm lonely. The emptiness comes and goes. I sure was not empty when I was in the process of beating Lilith or playing Ghost Riders in the Sky by The Outlaws. But even though Diablo IV has brought out an A game flow state what I'm left with is kind of a shitty Pulverize Bear that while tanky as fuck just doesn't do a respectful amount of damage. Finding a Shockwave aspect would help but fuck it I'm just going to rebuild my Rogue for Season 1 if it is even worth playing Diablo IV in the first place.

Anyways, there is no real realization with Diablo IV besides the eventual realization that it's not worth playing. Although, there is still some interest there for me currently. My brother finally got his tornado aspect and it was super fun watching him tear through nightmare dungeons and his werewolf is fucking FAST man. Hard to keep up. I would imagine this period in Diablo IV is the most engaging. From the campaign really heating up to starting nightmare dungeons to world bosses to gambling items. Even running around getting Lilith statues, doing strongholds, events, gambooling obols is pretty occupying.

It's all probably keeping myself from realizations and ideas. I'm smashing myself with this stuff so I don't have to think about my lack in the Other. I love the guitar but a song only lasts for 3 or so minutes. A date is foreplay. How long do you want to keep that going? A night is only a night. Will she be there for more the next day?

I could go both ways but I think the truth is I have a deep, underlying dissatisfaction with how my life is going. It is times like now that I can sort of tap into this but at the same time the music I am listening to is so good and I am acknowledging discontedness brings me to a place of acceptance or fires me up that maybe just maybe there is a way to change. I'm so fucked up I can't function properly in today's society but I think that a lot of people feel this way. It's not entirely our fault. Maybe it would bring power to take ownership and say it's all my fault but I don't think that is the truth. I'm fucked but the society is fucked up more. I just need some time to analyze. I don't even know exactly where realizations like that bring me. Build a better society? Yikes, that's daunting. Attempt to build a better me seems like something I can digest. If I know society is fucked and has a bad impact on me I can deal with that better than just being some bitter nihilist. I want to have meaning. I want to have some sort of moral code. I want to build and I want to make a difference. I just don't fucking know how. I go to work and mostly all my actions are to improve the profitability of the company. So, the sum of my actions lead to improving the profitability of the company. I come home and smash myself with stimuli. I have forgotten who I am and who I want to be. My only rest is novels, sleep, and maybe writing on here. No wonder I am so tired yet we live in a Tiredness Society. Always optimizing. Maybe I want to just sit here and listen to some Portishead for a bit.

I don't think I ever learned how to combat the Burnout Society. Paid Time Off can be a repreive but it's back to it. I can read a novel and take a nap and that goes against the Burnout Society but the Burnout Society has the last laugh in that I am resting to work. As much as I want to fight it there is no escape. Embracing the Burnout Society fully seems to have drastic repercussions for me. I need to thrive if I want a girlfriend yet I am unsure if I am capable of thriving. As things ramp up my anxiety ramps up and I also put myself in danger of mania and/or drinking. I mean shit, things are ramping up so much I am writing a fucking essay on a dead website! Fuck it. I think it's time to read a novel and get some sleep.

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Comments (15)

I put in my 2 weeks because that is the responsible thing to do?

How do I get health insurance?

How do I pay bills?

Assume I have savings for a little while how do I find something else to do before I run out of money?

I know, I know. I am supposed to find something before I quit. How do I do that when there is so little time and all my open availability is used at work?

Asking for a friend.

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Comments (23)

I don't know. Has it been a week since anyone posted on this site?

I don't think I have come any closer to building the world or making a difference in it. Maybe a small difference for the people around me. Certainly, nothing is going to get done with me putting so much time into watching the NBA Finals, watching Pro Wrestling, and now playing Diablo IV. Although if you are interested in watching Pro Wrestling I suggest watching the Okada v Omega rivalry. Truly epic stuff. I guess since I am unable to actually build the world and make a difference I will complain. Work is work. Shit! It's fucking work and it kind of pisses me off that all my labor and efforts are put towards retail for 40+ hours in the week!

Diablo IV is pretty fun. It's fun playing a new game. I'm sure it gets some brain chemicals going like dopamine and adrenaline. I want to get back in there just thinking about it. It is the ultimate slot machine. The atmosphere and music and fear of death create a fun stress/tension and it's hella fun smashing up all of the hell's minions with the chance of drops. It's not even the boss beating and big drops that get me into a state it's the tension that allows me to escape. I don't think D4 is a great option before bed. I don't even know if I sleep well. The doctor wanted me to get a CPAP and I ghosted him. I probably need a solid 9 or 10 hours of sleep to feel good. That is a large portion of the day.

I would like to build the world and make a difference but I also have the inclination to be anonymous. Anonymous sage in the art of non-doing. It would help if I knew my intrinsic virtuousities a bit better. My innate talents. It would be worthwhile to labor towards goals other than capital. I don't know if that is possible for me though. So, I zonk out on NBA Finals, Pro wrestling, and Diablo IV. I don't know if there is an answer right now. It's just where I am at today. Thank you for letting me share.

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Comments (9)

My 2nd best option is to complain.

"We receive of it some one completed form, a specific fully-formed body, and then we keep that alive only by constantly anticipating its end, grinding and lacerating it against all the thing around us, everything it does just flashing by and away like an unstoppable galloping horse - is it not sad? All our lives we labor, and nothing is achieved. Worn and exhausted to the point of collapse, never knowing what it all amounts to - how can we not lament this? What good does it do if others say, "To us he is not dead?" The body has decayed and the mind went with it. Can this be called anything but an enormous sorrow? Is human life always and everywhere such a daze? Or could it be only me who is dazed, while there are also others who are undazed? Of humans is there anything or anyone undazed?"

Zhuangzi

I am in good company I suppose.

In order to quit the internet I would have to find some things to fill that hole. Some may say I need to find some things to fill the hole before I can quit the internet. I am not theoretically against quitting the internet. I think it could be done. It would be difficult. I would have to totally re-think how I pass the time on my 15 min. breaks for example. I don't think I am particularly that talented or that engrossed with any creative endeavours. I can't paint at work. Poetry is not something I must do. I can be hot and cold on the guitar. Going on dates and cuddling with sex workers would be great if I lived in Amsterdam. I am in a rut that I will stay in if I don't take radical action. That is the truth. So, my first move? I'll go veg out in my fancy Norwegian recliner and watch the Nuggets vs the Lakers.

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