I also passed the public service exam to become a Federal Auditor for the Federal Court of Accounts here in Brazil (equivalent to the GAO in the US or the National Audit Office in the UK). In 2021 I had passed the exam to become a Federal Agent for the Brazilian Federal Police, but when they called me for the job (it takes a few months between the exam and when they actually call for Police Academy Training), I refused to go and decided to keep studying to become a Federal Auditor. It worked out and now I'm waiting to start this new job.
I also started selling online courses teaching people how to pass exams for public service jobs here in Brazil, which is going great for me.
Currently living in a big farm, country side, in the northeast region of Brazil, at the feet of some beatiful mountains, surrounded by nature. Working from home.
I've been alright. I'm up to doing all of the duties of a proper manager and the pressure is on. I found myself immersed in an online shopping binge today / tonight. Feels like I'm backsliding a bit and it also feels like I've left no where to turn. AA is an accepting bunch though which is a good thing. The online shopping bender could also be a symptom that I am going a bit manic. Tough to tell at this stage. I really didn't want to be posting on here tbh but it is a last resort. Am I lacking spiritually? Whatever that means? I took a nice walk on the beach today and felt the breeze and watched the birds. I got in a lift. I went mental shopping online. If I had more going on I don't think I go quite as mental. As always I need connection / intimacy. Do I need a pink velvet double breasted blazer? Is that going to fill up the hole in my soul? Well, probably not.
The way out is through. When Trent Reznor's grandmom who raised him died he was shattered, depressed, stricken with writer's block. He realized the way out is through.
I recently got promoted to a manager position at the ole job. I realized today I should probably read something about management and leadership. There is a bit of a testing out period to see what I am going to be like. Today, everyone worked pretty hard and we got a lot done. In a way though I am not some high level executive at Google. I am a middle manager in retail. Something I NEVER ever thought I would be. I was avoiding it like the plague. The thing is I know most of the jobs are tedious. I've done them all to some degree in the whole store. One thing I think I can offer is some semblance of autonomy. To a degree I can offer mastery but who really gives a shit about master stocking and re-stocking product? I can't really offer them some purpose either. It's some place to be. It's typically not that bad but yeah the work is tedious and banal. We are just trying to sell more product so the CEO and shareholders are happy. I guess my job is to motivate and influence people to feel better about working.
I feel like some books would help me. It's a tricky one. I googled "Best management and leadership" books and the first one is from lifehack.com. Top 20 books in an article written by some self-anointed entrepreneur that... basically, who is this guy? I try Reddit. It's just a lot of noise and information travelling FAST. I just want one book that I can read pretty quickly to see what these people are saying. Hopefully, this book also cites other books that perhaps are worthwhile.
Does anyone have a book suggestion or if you have any management / leadership experience what are your 2c?
Shame....shame....shame! Not bad, not terrible... but actually horrible. It's hard to reflect on sessions of live play since you have no way to track hands, however I think I have found a few leaks in my play. Ignore the PLO stuff since that is literally just like 3 sessions and I have no idea what im doing.
#1 - Playing WAY too loose against the wrong players. I've been playing pretty robotically and not adjusting for who's at the table. I'll try to iso with A4o with reckless abandon and then own myself trying to bluff a reg off some connected board. This might work against passive fish who only came to play with 1 bullet but the guy with a fanny pack full of chips isnt calling to try and bink top pair on the river.
#2 - Bad game selection. There are plenty of regs in my cardroom but I'm not sure how many of them are actual pros. The problem is they are willing to at least try and play like one. I've been getting 3bet in & out of position a lot lately and when I'm raising all PP's, SC's and any 2 face cards I just turn into a huge preflop station donating $80 per call and then check/folding when I miss. I honestly need to just get off of these tables asap and stick to the easiest one's I can find.
#3 - Mild tilt. Not from bad beats but just opponents surprising me. Back to the aforementioned regs, several times they've shown me 1 card that was basically the nuts after I fold I guess to earn credit or 'be nice' to me, I dunno. Thing is they'll show a single 5 on a 55J flop. Great, you made trips, but you 3bet me with a five in your hand? Whats that all about, A5s? 55? 56s? It was jarring, so now that I recognize I'm being 3bet light (which I suspected) I dont really know what to do. I guess the appropriate strat is to either 4bet light or tighten up and trap? Either way I have not made any adjustments and just take my lashings and move on the next hand.
The tilt part is more like 'entitlement tilt'. I dont mind being exploited for playing in an exploitative manner, if my opponents recognize I just call 3bets OOP and check/fold then they are playing perfectly. But when I keep missing and they keep smashing the board with their random 3bets I start to get annoyed, not at them but just the fact that I'm completely whiffing flop after flop. Again, I imagine the best option for me here is to just find another table without any 3betting, and at a minimum just play tight and hope for the best.
So I finally done did it. I rolled up a stake, quit my job and went back to playing professionally. I came here with about 40k annnnnnnnnnnnd it's gone. Ok not that bad, but I'm down about 10k in my first couple of weeks, losing at a nice steady $200/hr.
It's been a combination of things
- Playing while sick
- Not enough recovery
- Actually got a little rusty
- Scared money
- Bad play
- Entitlement tilt
- Actual runbad
It's a strange emotional complex when you deliberately do something you know you shouldnt do. There have been so many times where I tried to bluff a river or hero call where I 100% knew the board favored my opponents range, but it's like I just "had to see" to make sure I was right so I paid it off. I was often surprised by their holdings, but I was still certainly beat. It got so bad I actually wrote some notes down in my phone to prep before and during each session saying to specifically STOP DOING THAT.
What's really weird though is I almost feel that I'm a little too comfortable with my roll, despite the fact it's down to 25k. It's almost like I need a little bit of pressure/risk aversion to stop playing like this. I am being way too cavalier with my 3bets because I can just reload too easily. You'd think playing 2/5 with a 25k life roll and losing $5k/week which basically means I have 1-2 months to live would be enough to keep me in line but NOPE. I still have this illusion that my bankroll is unlimited and I can just rebuy and adjust. Good news is I only bring 500BB's to the cardroom so thats my stoploss, I never hit the ATM.
In fact the only thing really keeping me going is I'm cordial with a couple of crushers who often have 500BB+ on the table and sometimes hear them lament how they're still stuck for the day. One of them even commented being down 10k in his 1st week of the year having done nothing wrong, just always running into the top end of opponent holdings. Thats the only thing giving me hope, that these guys have bigger swings than me so maybe im not doing all that bad.
In other news I have taken a small liking to PLO. I dont know anything about this game other than it's a drawing game, so make sure all of your cards are connected in some way. I slipped a few times trying to play for '2 types of hands', i.e. getting aggressive with something like AJ77 suited to the ace, with the idea being "i can make a set OR nfd!". From what I gather it doesnt really work that way, it's all about making big combo draws on the flop, so this game requires a remarkable amount of patience to get those suited rundown type setups. I think when you finally do land a semi-wrap with backdoor flush draw you're really supposed to go for it and ride the variance train because often your opponents are just completely dominated with their garbage 2 pair bottom straight draws. I've been watching players get it allin post with nothing more than a single overpair like KK and zero backdoor draws.
If anything the game is almost relaxing because it feels like you're really just playing your hand instead of being exploited in NLHE by players playing ranges. At the holdem tables I've been owned a few times with relentless 3betting and 4betting where I just felt completely targeted and had no idea what to do and decided to leave the table.
Anyway I'll see how long it takes for me to start listening to my own advice and stop trying to 3 barrel when the flush or ace gets there, and stop hero calling with 2nd pair because "how am I beat?" because you just are, you're always beat when they bet.
It's the new year. I got 1 strength training session in. I am not relatively strong but I gave it hell. I've mostly been playing Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare II Campaign recently. Really gets the Transcendence and flow going. I'm turning into some bro. CoD and Swole bro. It makes me think about things though. I am vicariously trying to be this special forces person. The mission when I was virtually a drone and airstrike guy I started tearing people up with the 25mm and 40mm ammo and dropping missiles on gas stations and schools and had fun doing it. I think this is why the Army recruiters were selling me that I could come down to the recruiting center and play CoD with the boys whenever I wanted. I wonder how much involvement the military has in the making of these games.
That's something to live for. Not dying in war.
I have to say I feel pretty good after my first training sesh. We will see how I feel tomorrow. I just have to make it a habit because it's just so incredibly good for mental health and confidence.
It's one piece of being a Viking in real life unlike Valheim where I am a keyboard and mouse warrior...
I am sitting here alone listening to the blues and posting on LP. I could say something like I would not rather be anywhere else but obviously that is silly. Certainly, around this time is a time for reflection and a time for strategizing. My New Year's Resolution is Talk is Cheap Mother Fucker! Progress is the only thing that matters.
I feel that it is time to abandon the Looks or Game Part II blog / thread. I am just gaming nowadays anyways. I am gaming a lot. Probably, Valheim, Hades, Slay the Spire, Ori and the Will of the Wisps, Tetris, Elden Ring, Red Dead Redemption, World of Warcraft, Diablo II... in that order. That seems like kind of a lot of stuff to be playing. I am playing my guitar too. Un-rustifying myself. I think my teacher was surprised where I was at last week since I said I kind of fell off over the holidays. But, it turns out just practicing the fundamentals for a while is good practice and I hit it a bit harder these last 2 weeks. I am currently playing Heavy Soul by The Black Keys.
That's it I guess. Work is going fine. I run into problems when I want something more than just gaming but I can typically blot out the consciousness with the selection of games I have going. I don't know if it's that much different from getting stoned or blasted on wine and cognac or whiskey. Except my liver is thankful. If gaming is what I need to do to stay clean / sober and not lose my mind I'm not too concerned by it. Kind of similar to these blog posts.
It's kind of crazy how Christmas snuck up on me this year. It seems like just yesterday I was starting out at this job which is almost a year ago. Before we know it it will be the New Year and time for more reflection. No partying for me this year and I am not even going to try. Just some peace and quiet finally. Imagine if I put myself up to some challenges in real life as I do in the video games?
So about 3 years ago I took one last shot at poker prior to accepting a full time job after entering a very dark phase of my life being borderline homeless, uber driving, etc. In that time I won enough to make me reconsider going back to the office life, but after so much suffering I had become risk averse and did the obviously 'smart' thing; be miserable for 3 years working in the safety of a cubicle. In fact during that time I probably had more suicidal thoughts than I did while homeless. All this while fully furnishing my unit, getting an insanely hot girlfriend I did not expect to be able to pull off (she ended up going back to her ex) and getting a promotion. Still, it just wasnt enough. My life continued to feel devoid of something.
Meanwhile my poker ambitions just went on the backburner. I took a weekend trip here and there and would usually break even or maybe win 1k, not entirely sure what my objective was other than dipping my toes in the water to see how it felt again. Well that time finally came, I decided to use up all my PTO and take a nice long extended trip to just purely grind and nothing else. No socializing, no dates, no sight seeing, just eat/sleep/grind and literally nothing else.
Kinda fascinating how the results nearly mirror my last full shot which you can see in a previous blog titled "February results". So what now? I mean honestly I feel like I'm done just replicating my results and then backing out at the last second. My roll is certainly much more healthy now, about 35k instead of the 10k I started with all those years ago. I guess the scary part is that if I'm still deluded by unsustainable winrates then I might not survive this time if I fail. Like it'll just be too much to handle you know? I cant go back to the darkness of failure. This has to be my one last shot, at everything. But what else is there left for me if I stay the course and just keep working an office job? I certainly have not been happy doing that. In fact if anything I've never felt more unhealthy and exhausted.
"All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love." - Spinoza
As always, what you are looking for is connection. I highly doubt that coding is the path to follow to get that. The people who follow that path probably already have that in their lives, had already heavily invested in this path earlier in life, or don't really need it (autistic, schizoid). Focus on meeting your needs the best you can now, not with the long-shots of things that could afford you with more financial independence down the (long) road.
An intimate connection, yeah. Seeing someone for who they are and being seen by someone for who you are. Being accepted and validated. Physical touch and sex are not necessarily intimate. The only thing that has kept me going was the possibility of finding this connection, and the idea of preparing myself for it. It's difficult to put yourself out there, make yourself available and deal with rejection, but it has to be done at some point if you don't want to keep running on empty forever. You need it more than the money and whatever else there is.
I can not dispute these claims.
I don't know if I actually need a looks or game thread but I find myself pretty bored.
I don't have a whole lot in the looks department besides being tall. I don't think I am being delusional when I say I can dress well. Game. I don't think I am a silver tongued hero sober. I am pretty shy and reserved yet funny. Anyways, I know that all of that matters but it really boils down to finding some social sphere I can feel comfortable with and stand out in. That is the opportunity. That is the problem. Probably the biggest thing that hinders me is that I live at home with my parents. Not impossible to make friends but not near ideal for dating prospects. I could also forego having friends at all and pay sex workers to talk to me.
I feel like a blog. I have been pretty good about NOT blogging so far on vacation but my brother is playing World of Warcraft where I am sleeping so sleep is not a great option. I decided since I actually have some time and energy I am going to read The Phenomenology of Spirit by G.F.W. Hegel. I doubt I'll get through it all in time but maybe I will. That is a difficult one to try and read at night after a long day of work when the willpower, focus, energy is gone. It's not so bad when I am just lounging during the day when all my family members are at work. I have mostly been lounging. It's a great life until the money runs out. Playing guitar, reading Hegel, going for walks in the deep forest, these are all great ways for me to spend time, energy, focus. I started coding again too but that has been tepid. Well, worse than tepid. I forgot how to link the directory of .py files to my power shell/terminal so I can run them. It's exercise 0 and it does not tell me how to do this.
Of course, it is nice not having to slave away for 40 hours in a week. When I go back I am scheduled for 6 days in a row which is pretty bad. Sometimes it feels like I am squandering my vacation a bit with how chill it has been but thankfully I have not been thinking about that too much because it honestly does not matter. Whether I am busy or not does not matter. It feels like this vacation is more than rest to perform better at work but simply rest, idleness, etc. for the sake of leisure. How I wish most of my time were. It seems to take 2 or 3 days to get in that zone with the knowledge that there will be a week or more of similar time.
My siblings all have their own lives in this city with their respective jobs and small children. It's nice seeing them but there is no great connection really. They are all busy with performance at their jobs and attempting to raise small children. That is no small feat. I am mostly quiet by nature. I wish not to engage in chatter. I think my siblings understand this which is a good thing. It's just tough. I already said it but they are at work or tending to small children. I am 3rd fiddle.
It's all good though. It's all good. It's really not but it really is ok. Ok. It's fine. I don't expect to be doing all this grand stuff or have amazing interactions all the time. The coding thing really kind of irks me though. I don't even remember how to do exercise 0 and it holds me up from doing all the other ones which I know how to do I just have to go through them again.
I am taking a longer walk through a deeper forest tomorrow which makes me happy. I don't have to wake up to an alarm clock or take a shower right away. Little things like that make me incredibly happy. I think I am going to grow out my hair again.
It's kind of weird actually during the work week. I don't see any of my siblings until they are tired and worn out for a little bit after work then they have to take care of their kids so I have really had to be independent on this vacation. At least I was ready for it.
Today might have been the only time Ive visited LP this year. Im glad I did tho to stumble over Kets post. Reading and smileing I got inspired to post something myself since its been sooo long. Struggleing with different old passwords for a bit Im now in!
Flattered to have been mentioned. Reading some of the comments I realise i did have a place here and I was a character that people knew. In the LPworld. A pokerversion of the kid that played starcraft all day.
LP and that time of my life is quite fuzzy to be honest but it brought up some memories of my blog here. The handposting and all of you LP characters. I wont make a list like Ket but I do want to say thank you guys!
LP community, the Handssection and the Poker Articles here was foundational to me comeing into poker and being able to make poker a living.
I will keep this post short but ill squeeze in a little update of who I am today. Im a father of two kids, a 3 year old boy and a 1 year old girl and I still play poker.
Last year I had my best year to date playing NL and this year Ive migrated over to playing PLO and I still have alot of motivation and passion for the game.
Haveing children might be a point of retirement for some pokerplayers but for me it was just what I needed to take my pokercareer to the next level. It has brought me dicipline and a sense of urgency. Wich I really needed, I always (and still struggle with) dicipline at the tables and the lobby. I cant mess around anymore the few hours a day I do work. Wich has really really payed of at the tables and climbing stakes the past 3 years since haveing my son. I did not expect that was what was gonna happen becomeing a father and spending less time with poker.
On June 15 2022 01:22 Stroggoz wrote:
but he never made it to the nosebleeds for some reason.
Oh, also. Found my way back to watching BW. So excited everytime ASL comes around twice a year. Sacred alonetime once the kids are asleep and there is ASL to watch.
If ur like me, I support this guy that covers KCM. Good times inbetween the ASLs.
I have a cat named Pico. He is a little feisty guy. A runt of a litter. 1 of 30 cats and 30 dogs. Little Pico had to fend for his life eating any scraps he could find. The assholes burned the house down. Lucky little Pico was found. Then we found him. He has the most beautiful green eyes. We quickly found out if any food was left out it would be eaten. The only thing he will not eat is grapes and almonds and that is about it.
I was feeling particularly empty today. I slept most of the day and did chores/errands that absolutely had to be done. The only thing of note was starting to learn how to play slide guitar which is pretty fun. I think my problem is I have too much hunger for fulfillment. I am a fulfillment junky. My life is in such a state that fulfillment is not easy or I am expecting fulfillment to be easy when sometimes it is easy but probably most times it is not. Masturbating to pornography is fulfilling in the sense that it is pleasurable especially at orgasm but pornography is rather vulgar. The old saying goes that masturbation is great if you want masturbation but largely lacking if you want something more.
I enjoy the little things in life. I like a good trance. Pink skies. There are plenty of things to like that surprise and are easy. There are plenty of things in life that are difficult yet rewarding. I don't feel that I get much fulfillment at work. It's just a never ending cycle. There is another promotion available at work and that has been stressing me out. It would be a lot of work on the cash register and taking manager calls. I think the register and taking calls are two things I don't want to do.
I look around and try to find things that are looking up in my life but it's hard for me to find them. I could just be a bit depressed. The mind can play tricks. It's like do I really want to do the whole show of showing up to some AA meetings and going out afterwards only to retreat to my room once again? Disappearing from the scene once again. You would think after like 5 years of that I would have figured something out. The only thing I can figure out now is to play the guitar like I don't have another day to live and compose music in whatever place I may be at the time.
Shout out to PoorUser for the Hollow Knight suggestion. Thank you. I have been playing it and it is fun, dreamlike, and ethereal in a way.
My local grocery store is carrying AdBusters which I thought was hilarious and awesome so I had to pick up a copy. Then I was reading through it and it touches on some salient points but I remembered there was a reason I stopped getting it. I don't think I like Kalle Lasn. He is a bit much. Doesn't mean other contributions aren't good.
At this point I think I am just looking forward to my vacation. It's probably a mistake. There are a lot of hours in between now and then. Music, vidya, sleep can really take up quite a bit of time. I'm sleeping too damn much but it's so damn cozy.
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