haunted dancehall protected by angelsby RiKD, September 26
That is the name of the last song or sound trip I made. It's not hopeless but I need to get a lot better to reach Burial or Aphex-Twin status (getting that good probably is hopeless). I want to learn how to create my own sounds. Then, arrange those sounds into something I like. I shouldn't really concern myself with what others are doing anyways and just do my own thing but right now my own thing is a mashup of sounds that is sometimes cool and other times not. Oh well, it's something to do anyway. I still have my guitar. I am learning a new scale this week which isn't too hard to learn at all but internalizing it and playing it with my eyes closed is a different matter! It's interesting the contrast between digital music and a guitar. It's kind of cool to create the chord shapes and make sure my fingers are in the right positions and also that I am striking the string optimally as well. But, it's also amazing the power of the DAW and how many sounds are out there and how many more there are by fucking with stuff.
that i refer to this site so he can see what i think about btc. if u make a new account pm me if not u can lurk. i hope u remember the site since i didnt write it down n only verbally gave it to u
I wish I had something sensational to write to maybe lively up LP a little bit. Give us some entertainment. Bad entertainment. The fact is my life is not very sensational whatsoever. I drink tea. I contemplate. I listen to Boris Brejcha.
The expanse of space creeps into my spirit and dissipates until a new tide rolls in. I want to burn like the rave at xx/yy/2008. Will you burn with me?
Synthetic spirit. I am looking for the real thing. Paralyzed by the emptiness a tear rolls down my cheek. oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. The ghosts they are a calling. Fill me up and give me a little piece of your spirit please. It is a séance here tonight. A session of sitting. The ghosts they will call.
You know to get personal I am still seeing Luna and we are still just friends united by our love for Indian food and collapse. Not that we love collapse. It is just rare to find people that understand and can laugh about it and maybe cry about it and get good Indian food in the midst of it all. Maybe sometimes it is simply about some simple pleasures. The world is crumbling around us and there is likely nothing we can do. I don't have heaven to hope for. What do I do?
Luna always tells me to find myself spiritually. Center myself spiritually. And prepare. Prepare for the Kingdom of God. I believe something of the sort if I did that the Kingdom of God is within me. That is Tolstoy rubbing off on me. I do believe something of the sort though. Peace with the imperfect present. We would all do much better if we could find peace within the imperfect present.
I suppose it is probably also for the best of us to reduce screens. For LP to diminish and disappear. HA, these are becoming my private journals now.
One thing about the acoustic guitar is it is forcing me to get better at chords. I've always been a guy that prefers the riffs and the solo stuff (and scales). The practice on the acoustic this week is just all about rhythm. I don't know if I like it but I love the songs I am playing so it is doable: Farewell Transmission, Blue Factory Flame, and Didn't It Rain by Songs:Ohia.
I don't know if I have a lot to say tonight. I'm pretty tired. Recently, I have had to exert extra energy at work because the weekends are busy, I had to make sure I had my medications taken care of, and my car was in the shop. That is a lot of extra driving and work. Tomorrow we'll get slammed and it won't be fun but I will hopefully survive as I have every other Saturday so far. I hate surviving for too long of a time but sometimes that is the way it goes if I want to maintain medications, health care, car maintenance, and buy acoustic guitars without giving a fuck.
Not that the guitar is that expensive. It's a Stadium Dreadnought. Shanzhai Fender Acoustic made in China with cheap materials. It actually sounds great but will never get that phenomenal sound of aged quality wood. I am thinking about stepping up my electric guitar here pretty soon too. Maybe get a neck-in Epiphone which is a Shanzhai Gibson Les Paul. That damn car service cost me a paycheck mother fuckers but I gotta keep that thing running. It's just after playing this new acoustic guitar it's a lot more comfortable for me to play the thing is all. An Epiphone should be similar in that regard. A little bit larger neck feels comfortable for me.
Very few people on here probably care about my guitar interest or becoming a performance-machine at work. I had this idea that I would share how much time I spent on screens but no one cares about that either. There is really not a whole lot to share. I've been so busy the last week there has not been much time for anything other than work and errands. I lost myself in that to be honest. It took me away. And, it's going to be another day or 2 of that. Just the way the cookie crumbles. I'm a bit numb to be honest.
During the entirety of June and July 2022, I was traveling around various parts of Italy and Belarus. I returned to America on August 1, and I have been working ever since.
In June, I traveled around Italy with a girl who I met in Belarus in 2021. We flew from our home countries and met in Rome, where we did some touristic stuff for a few days, and then traveled to a small city on the top of a mountain called Perugia. While small, Perugia has a lot of life to it, great views, decent food, nice people, and free wifi in the city center. After two days in Perugia, we went to the eastern coast of the country to a beach town called Rimini, where we ate and relaxed for 5 days. While in Rimini, we did visit a nearby micro country called San Marino, which is a country within a country, and has preserved its old style for a long time. After we left Rimini, we found ourselves on the western side of the country in Florence. Florence seemed like a chill city that focused mostly on museums (it's the city with the most museums in the world), which wasn't my thing, but my girl enjoyed it. After 4-5 days in Florence, we decided that we didn't feel like traveling to a nearby country, and instead took a train to the north and visited Milan for 5 days. Milan has a lot of life in it, both from the restaurant scene, nice people, and it's the fashion capital of the world. After Milan, we took a flight to Vilnius, Lithuania.
While in Vilnius, we walked around and saw the sights while eating whatever we could. This was just a one day trip, as we flew here in order to take a bus from Vilnius to Minsk, which was the cheapest way for us to enter Belarus.
Once we arrived in Minsk, I felt like I was at home again, as I was previously in Minsk for one month in July 2021. It's difficult to explain, but Minsk is a great place to live if you're a foreigner, as it's a large city by size, but only has 2 million people in it. Minsk still has a small town feel, in that it's very safe and many people know each other, but it's also very advanced, and it reminds me of young Seoul, South Korea, in terms of how much potential it has for partying, restaurants, and overall growth (I used to live in Seoul in 2008 and 2009 when I worked in the Starcraft scene, and the city was still finding itself at the time, and seeing foreigners was far less common when compared to today). While in Minsk, I did everything from go to the gym 3 days a week to maintain my slim-fit physique, clubbing a few days a week, eating at a lot of good restaurants, visiting a few smaller cities and villages in western Belarus, and was blacklisted from my favorite casino from winning too much (I didn't win a ton of money, but it was probably that I went in there 15 times or so and only had 1 losing day -- luckily there are many casinos in Minsk). The good/interesting news is, there is a good chance that I will be buying an apartment in Minsk between now and summer 2023 -- I won't move there right away, but the price for apartments right now is really good, which is mostly due to the Pandemic and the invasion of Ukraine that has ruined tourism and other things in Belarus, which in turn has lowered the asking price for homes. After my time in Minsk came to an end, I returned to California and started working the very next day.
In regard to UFC/MMA, I still watch and bet on UFC every weekend, and have been doing well for the past 5 months or so, with a few hiccups in-between, but that's to be expected.
Due to me focusing on real life stuff, work, and my hobbies (gym + UFC betting), I have found it extremely difficult to devote any time to updating the main page of LP.net like I originally thought I was going to have. I will force myself to update the main page at some point, but as you can see with the Sports and Betting section, I don't put much effort into even updating that area. That being said, I plan to start contacting some of the remaining LP.net people to do some interviews as a way to bring some interest back to the website.
I worked my ass off the last few days. Up for a promotion the performance machine was running all systems go. In fact, I'm making sure my phone is right next to me if they call me in tomorrow.
High Alone by Sevdaliza. Go like 4mg of Xanax. That will cut the heaviness of working overtime on extreme rushed, hectic, frantic time. If I'm not careful I will be lost on the undead time. I have to work frantically to have a chance at the GOOD PUSS. I don't think I can truly think under these conditions. The music is too loud. The key strokes are too loud. It's too active. In order to contemplate properly I need to slow down and be still. There is too much information on here.
I hope to keep it simple tomorrow. If I'm not working go to the beach and watch the birds and feel the breeze. Maybe read a novel and take a nap. Of course, play the guitar. I got a metronome which is helping a lot. I also got a wahwah pedal (Crybaby) that is pretty fun. Maybe 1 day I will be able to play White Room by Cream in it's entirety or Voodoo Child by Jimi Hendrix.
Well, I am considering it. I am considering to apply for a promotion at work to be a manager. 2 managers told me about the opening and said I should apply. Pay would be like $30,000/yr now to $40,000/yr if I get the job. I would obviously have manager duties and they said the biggest change is when I am the manager in charge of the store duties. I think I'm going to go for it but I posted this here in case I'm missing something or to just better think about it through writing.
What do we want? What do you want? by RiKD, July 29
The problem with capitalism is that it has no concern for the good life. It just wants growth. It wants interstellar imperialism at all costs. Unfortunately, it seems that my occupation is no different. They want more sales with less people. I can't tell if they are hollowing it out on purpose or that is just the nature of things right now but I don't like it. I want to sit at the patio with my friends on a Wednesday night and not feel a heaviness from the rush, the hectic, frantic day. I was overcharged, over-cooked. There were sparks and not good ones. I do not want this.
I don't want to obsess about the good life but I don't want to be stuck in the bare life either. How are you doing? I'm surviving... Just survive for too long and become undead. I don't care. Eat your vegetables and fruits. Exercise. Meditate. Whatever dude. There is more to life than just survivin'. I am not even talking about yachts and private jets. Fuck that. A flourishing spirit. Individual activities, patios, the Other. Not being so god damn rushed all the time.
Everyone is different. Everyone may have a different conception of the good life. We've been discussing this stuff since the Greeks and probably earlier. The problem is people caught up in the whirlwind of capitalism don't see it and they most likely never will. The burnt out and the depressives stay there because they don't understand and they never will. They are trying to accelerate even faster when the answer is to slow down and not just slow down so one can accelerate even faster the next trip. I know all this and I still get caught up in it all. Philosophy is a luxury and a leisure experience. People working 60 hours+ a week have no time for it. It's hard to truly digest it after a slammed day even if one has all night. What fits better is whatever is easiest and will get one through the time and duration away from work in order for work performance to improve. That's not philosophy. I read about the good life and go shit I have to get away from work somehow. Somehow I need to slow down and not try to one-up my perfect score from yesterday. How do I beat 100/100? Why do I feel like shit? I'm survivin' though.....
I want madness and passion in my love. Not just pleasant feelings. I want to risk my life. I don't want to just take my medicines and work away my life as a slave. It really seems like there is no way out. Is playing the guitar and going down to a patio enough? I've been accumulating money but there is always a fear there. Since I don't make a whole lot it kind of always feels like I am in a precarious position. But, should my goal be to max the limit on how much I am making? That is a scared slave survivin' position.
A friend of mine showed up at the patio yesterday and I have never seen someone so depressed in my life. I'm surprised he could even make it out. He said he hasn't experienced joy in 8 months and just works and goes home and stares at the wall. I shared some of my own experiences but he didn't seem to give a shit. Just said his life is over, etc. The only thing he seemed interested in was I suggested he watch Melancholia by Lars Von Trier. He didn't seem to want to kill himself but he did wish he was dead. I thought suggesting Cioran The Trouble with Being Born might have been going too far but that book has helped me with multiple depressions. The emphasis of his problems would be that he has no one in his life and he feels like an outcast. I was trying to suggest that the remedy to that would be to slowly get people in his life and then he would no longer feel like an outcast but he is in total despair. It's a tricky situation because it is tough to go from outcast to not outcast. Any suggestions on how to help this guy are welcome.
As I sit here listening to Emma Ruth Rundle - Marked For Death (Album) I realize that yes I am marked for death and sometimes it is hard to believe that someone would "pick" me in light of this fact that I am in fact marked for death or for many other reasons. Why would I pick them? They that are also marked for death and for many other reasons?
Something that has been bothering me is that in the letter that the manager wrote she wrote that I was a "Can Do" person with a great attitude and that I never say no to things. I feel that at work I am a Non-Playable Character or some autistic performance-machine.
Not to say that I don't enjoy the Other at work. I hate the word authentic but I try not to put up a schtick or act as if an employee in this area is supposed to act. But, I do have customer service training and sales training. I always kind of liked how retail acted in Paris or Buenos Aires. The sort of labor I am doing is not really the kind to fuck up a whole consciousness but in a way it does. I've been through this a million times but when I am working there is close to zero leisure time. My time off work is a rest from work but also rest for work. It's rare to truly get out of the grips of this. The problem is when I am unemployed I have plenty of time for leisure but no money to even survive or at least in my circumstances keep a sane mind without being thoroughly crushed by capital.
The more I think the more likely that I will find something new.
The more I think the more likely that I will find something new.
The more I think the more likely that I will find something new.
I have to say having some sort of dating life is a plus. It's kind of like the movie Anomalisa where a guy is caught in the world of the same until he finally meets someone who is different. Great film. Worth a watch. My grit to leave the house and be among people is lifting me out of my isolated, cynical depression and it feels really great.
I don't think I am a pushover at work it's just that people ask reasonable questions in the context of work. I have a "can do" attitude probably because that's how I was raised. It's funny though after all these years I still don't want to be a loser. Who wants to be a loser? Maybe I still am a loser in the overall hierarchal sense but I am not a loser in this little sphere at work and I am not a loser in AA. I am just saying the burnout and the depression are one in the same. It sucks that I need to force myself to connect but maybe if the pain is not great enough there is no impetus to change.
There is a feeling that I am in an ok place. So, what if I flirt with autistic performance-machine at work if I am not undead when I leave. Maybe the Other is enough. Maybe I just might make it out of here with out killing myself. I hate saying "yes" or "yes I can" at work. I am not free. I feel like this blog was written with some thought but also some compulsion. Compulsion is the opposite of freedom. I do feel free when I write listening to music that I was free to choose or compelled to choose by the mood. I feel free. I feel free.
I am not going to be employee of the month next month. I didn't almost die. I am just dealing with life. I think I am getting a bit depressed really. I know that is based in selfishness and narcissism. But, I have been spending too much time with myself lately. There is no connection with the atopic other. That is it basically. Connection with an atopic other solves most of my problems. The deeper I go into a depression the harder this becomes. The question is do I have to go through a deep depression to find it or can I just find it before the depression envelopes me?
The atopic other does not fix the fact that my health insurance sucks or that I can't afford my psych meds or possibly even therapy at this point but it solves a lot. It feels like I am closer to a drink than for a while. There was the time I was getting manic and psychotic and sleepless and paranoid and eating Ativans and listening to Emma Ruth Rundle live shows and passing out in bliss. In my defense they were prescribed to take exactly in that scenario. I don't ever want to end up riding an ambulance to the ER just so they give me an Ativan and send me home with a $5k bill.
Sometimes I get the idea that drinking would help with my problems. Ease existence a bit. Quit my job and see what happens. I realized today the reason I did not go to Gojira last summer was because I was hopelessly broke. Going to Gojira was one thing that was keeping me going. I can't kill myself because I must see Gojira in the summer. That show was only an hour and 30 min. away.
I have got to figure out a way to fill up my car with KL fans that don't have a means of transportation. I used to do that with drunks to get them to meetings and maybe I should do that too but I am not convinced of AA. I could just be straight edge in the context of punk / hardcore or I could just be a sober / clean person in general.
I would feel a little bit safer if I filled my car with friends of friends who don't drink or do drugs though. It's like I can never turn my back on AA fully.
I can't kill myself and I can't quit my job because I must see KL this year. I have to get out of this job before the holiday season though and have something locked up that is not terrible during the holiday season.
I was driving home from work and it was raining pretty bad. Visibility was effected but not horrible. Then all of a sudden this car drifts into my lane and is headed straight for me. We are both going about 35 mph so I am thinking how do I not die here. I decide to slam on the breaks and in a split second think "at least I probably won't die." Then, the car swerves at the last second nearly missing my car.
I think it's staying with me a bit to attempt to live a better life. I've been listening to a shit ton of Knocked Loose - A Tear In the Fabric of Life which is coincidental that the start of the album is a car crash that kills someone and the grief that follows. Knocked Loose comes to Blossom Music Center and I might go. It's kind of a weird venue for them but they are getting pretty big and outgrowing Unitarian Churches it seems. There is seating up front and then everyone else has picnics and drinks red wine on the lawn. Very, very weird for a punk show. Obviously, the vibe will be different versus an orchestral symphony. I don't think I'd mind just lying down on a blanket on the lawn bobbing my head.
I've been coming across a lot of Nietzsche via Byung-Chul Han. I'm tempted to re-read it all again from Human All Too Human but not sure if I want to commit to that. There is so much in the world to read...
I don't know. I am just happy I am alive and not super injured. I am happy I get a day off from being super performance zombie. But, the day off makes me a better super performance zombie. There is no real way of getting out of that cycle unless I quit all employment but that is not advisable. It's actually fine if there is enough cash lying around for some time but when do you end it and what type of employment can one find at that point. NEET life is not a great life.
Every dog has its day. The store brought back employee of the month and I was the first recipient. I'm actually a little bit proud. Most would probably think that because I am anti-capitalist that I wouldn't work hard or may even sabotage the project. I show up on time and work hard because I think it is the right thing to do. It's an ideal to slow production but in my environment in that social group why would I sabotage these people? After all, we are selling retail that people actually need at fair prices. Would it be nice to receive more money and better benefits? Absolutely. I have not ever really delved that deeply into unions because it just does not seem likely. Why risk getting fired if my working conditions are not bad?
I do realize I am just the flavor of the month for now. There is still a lot of work to do every day. I would love to find something a little more stimulating or varied. Time will tell.
A new day. A lot of people have written about a new day.
I feel particularly sober at this moment in time. If that even makes any sense. If I had any sense I probably wouldn't be writing these things. I am a bit sleepy but not quite ready for sleep. A state that I enjoy writing in. I'm listening to Meshuggah pretty loud in my pro headphones. It is a fun experience even without the writing. My blue switch keys are barely decipherable but I still get the sensory feeling of hitting the sweet spot and the keys clicking into place.
The prescription drug issue seems to be resolved for now. American capitalism. What a great system. The only people that seemed to care about me was my mom and my therapist. That could be a metaphor for life by the way. I am not out of the woods yet. I don't know if any of the fuckers are going to budge but I did get a free two week "sample" from the doctor's office after I told them I ran out of meds.
I can play Heartbreaker by Led Zeppelin on the guitar pretty well at this point minus the crazy solo. I saw something today that Adam Jones (Tool guitarist) said. He said that guitarists need 2 things attitude and discipline. I found that to ring true although I am not sure I have much in the attitude department quite yet. I do play the guitar every day though even if I don't feel like it. I practice scales (blues and pentatonic). It's funny I used to love the blues scales and now I am into the pentatonic scales more now. Then I work on whatever my lesson was on. Then, if I am feeling it I turn the amp up and fuck around with my effects pedal and let it rip. Which is not very impressive at this point but it is fun. Although, I think playing with heavy distortion and delay can actually fuck with my good or bad habits. I almost always practice with a clean amp or without an amp. Just some newbie thoughts.
I don't know. I've written this much and could just as well delete it all. I usually only post when I am anxious, distraught, and discontent which maybe I still am but I have to say I was feeling pretty good today.
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