I haven't blogged in a while. I'm back in the muck so figured I'd write about it. I had a lovely 9 day vacation to go see my family up North. I don't think I posted on here 1 time. It was great. Now, I'm back in the muck. I forgot how much wage slavery sucks. It's like "yup, here is my life now...." I sleep, I pass the time, I slave away. Fun stuff.
I read two important books over my break. "The Tree of Knowledge" by Humberto Maturana and Franciso Varela. The other was "The New Human Rights Movement" by Peter Joseph. God, I wish my job would be automated and I would get a UBI. I'm not convinced that would happen though. I saw something online today that the 2020s are going to be about wealth distribution or revolution. I hope so.
I just feel depressed. My life felt so free on vacation. There was rarely downtime. Now I'm back to this shit.
Jesus Christ and who knows what elseby RiKD, December 12
So, I have read "The Kingdom Of God Is Within Us" by Leo Tolstoy and re-read "The Gospels In Brief" by Leo Tolstoy and am in the kind of mood that the teachings of Jesus Christ may have "saved my life." I am not convinced though. I also feel like if I really learned systems thinking that might "save my life" too. It's this dichotomy of the spiritual and the scientific that has been a strong portion of my life ever since getting sober and changing my life. I want to fight the spiritual. I don't want to fight giving up the fleshly flesh and letting the Spirit flow and to basically love thy neighbor, love everyone and do good. The fleshly flesh as in the worldly the bodily pleasures. When Christ prays 2 times to God before he will be taken to be flogged, tortured, and left to die on the cross and finally prays a 3rd time "Father, let Thy will be done" I wish I could have that strength and lack of fear in death. I still don't understand fully why Jesus couldn't continue teaching somewhere else. I guess that makes for a worse story. Then after all the floggings and the torture and Jesus at his weakest point calls out "God, why hath you forsaken me!?" He is in the same position as all of us. If Jesus would have just learned some systems thinking and spread that message....
We are all God's children with the capacity to hold the Spirit within us and to be within the Spirit. Yet what kind of god would have created the world we currently live in? What kind of god would have created neoliberal capitalism? "Resist not evil" doesn't really get us too far or does it?
A friend of mine always says what kind of god would let children starve in Africa and allow bugs to eat their eyeballs? It's a fair point. I guess Christianity's point would be that they get into heaven at least. That's kind of fucked up. 5 years of starving and bugs eating your eyeballs but hey then it's eternal bliss. That would be one fucked up god.
I suppose I take what I've learned with me and keep moving. As much as I love Christ and I am not going to turn my back on Christ the Stoics and systems thinking is a key to the mystery of life. Christ is such a fucking baller though. The revolution is in kindness but I am not sure we overcome the systems with just kindness. I could be wrong though. If everyone stopped paying taxes and boycotted shitty corporations in the name of Christianity what could they do? That seems like a pipe dream though.
Another thing I never understood is the policy of "not being with women" before marriage yet how is one supposed to find someone suitable for marriage if one is basically supposed to avoid women before marriage?
After pissing away what Eminem might describe as "You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo!" I never recovered. From borderline homelessness to dead end jobs to uber shenanigans I was practically just waiting for an excuse to end it all. I had it all planned out, and we're talking some scary grizzly details involving the bullet train out of town if you know what I mean. Moved back home up north, finally landed an interview for a position paying barely over minimum wage and figured I'd treat it like an internship and hopefully prove my worth; if not well I'll have a few thousand saved up so I can take one last shot at poker.
But the job gamble paid off. They loved me, thanks in no small part to being wildly overqualified for the position thus making it appear as though I'm the best employee they've ever had in that role. And then something magical happened, they decided to make me a full time offer, and a rather decent one at that. They came in at 52k and I snap accepted (only a sucker takes the first offer so probably could have got like 55 out of it). But 52k, I mean... thats damn close to where I used to be honestly. I know the standard of living a 52k income brings you. It's comfortable. You basically have everything you need and then some. Nice apartment, nice car, nice clothes, plenty of food, insurance, bills paid, and some spending cash on the side for the ladies or hobbies or whatever.
It's almost a little depressing because it just means there's no way I can go back to poker, I'd be be set with this job. There's no way I should go back to poker, I mean wtf why bother? 52k is probably average income for a mediocre 2/5 grinder. A friend of mine popped 100k at this limit and was averaging 75k thereafter for 3 years, but he was definitely better than me and took it way more seriously studying all the time and always reading new books. Me? Pfft self-taught and whatever I learned from you guys here. But it goes beyond that. I'm really not too sad about it because I actually freaking love my job. It's a great trendy modern company, lots of perks, people bring their dogs to work, free fountain drinks, you can drink beer at your desk, etc. My coworkers are meme fanatics and my boss lives by the 7 dirty words so our office is a complete shitshow of language and misogyny. It's great and it's fun. The campus is so big there are bikes and golf carts laying around everywhere to hop into to get to the other side, so it has a kind of Google'esque feel to it. There's like 10 apartment communities within walking distance to a 15 minute bike ride to work, so the quality of work/life is just so money it feels good to be there.
I did take a trip to Jax over the weekend to play poker for the first time in a year and took home $1200. It felt great, it's gonna be hard letting this go. And maybe it wont be gone forever. Maybe my job will just be a stop gap to get back into the game, but this time properly rolled (as in 20-30k instead of the 10k I started with which was far too risky). Maybe poker will just be a hobby and I'll take the occasional trip to vegas or whatever and win a few K some months and lose a few K others and I'll just be that random tourist thats surprisingly good (for a tourist) but never takes the plunge. Or maybe I just lock it up at my current gig and take over my boss's job when he retires in 10 years, because honestly I'm a shoe in for his management position once he's done. I guess in a way all options are on the table. Job is great, poker is great.
I will say the lifestyle of a poker player came with certain complications, the most of which was maintaining healthy relationships with people. Sleeping in all day and living in the shadows of society is a pretty sub-optimal schedule for hanging out with people. Taking nights off to go clubbing always just makes you resent the loss of EV from sitting out at the tables! Every time I was on a Tinder date I would be thinking in the back of my head "screw getting laid, I could be grinding $40/hr right now". Not to mention the general societal implications; "hey mom and dad, this is my boyfriend he uh... he's an investment and equities analyst!" I actually had a cutie at a starbucks once walk away after a 30 minute chat she initiated when I finally revealed I played poker for a living lol. You could just see the disappointment in her eyes.
Anyway, it's going to be so fucking nice to finally have some normalcy in my life after what feels like an eternity of pure chaos. Till that day.....
Are you living antagonistically to your conscienceby RiKD, November 28
"And this is the only explanation of the dreadful intensity with which men of modern times strive to stupefy themselves, with spirits, tobacco, opium, cards, reading newspapers, traveling, and all kinds of spectacles and amusements. These pursuits are followed up as an important, serious business, And indeed they are a serious business. If there were no external means of dulling their sensibilities, half of mankind would shoot themselves without delay, for to live in opposition to one's reason is the most intolerable condition. And that is the condition of all men of the present day. All men of the modern would exist in a state of continual and flagrant antagonism between their conscience and their way of life. This antagonism is apparent in economic as well as political life. But most striking of all is the contradiction between the Christian law of brotherhood of men existing in the conscience and the necessity under which all men are placed by compulsory military service of being prepared for hatred and murder – of being at the same time Christian and a gladiator" – Leo Tolstoy
November 23 Year of The Cashmere Gown For Menby RiKD, November 24
Andddddddddddddddddddd........ I'm out of canvas.
I know I have been "spamming" blogs but it's more so nobody else posts shit.
I'm surprised no one commented on GQ trying to indoctrinate Male youths (and adults) into wearing gowns, anklets, and makeup (among other things). It was the "New Masculinity" issue. They have 1 woman, 1 black woman, 1 gay man, 1 straight man, 1 black man, 1 transgender man, 1 transgender female, 1 queer man, 1 queer female tuning in on what it means to be a man today and into the future................. Did I forget anybody? Yeah, I probably did. It's actually not a bad read to be honest. That doesn't mean you will see me wearing gowns, anklets, or fucking makeup. Not that there's anything wrong with that.... But fuck culture. Culture is not my god.
Does anyone have any experience with non-profits? I'm looking to join that sector asap and would appreciate any help.
I really got into a painting today it was a lot of fun. I think it is one of my best.
I guess I really don't have a lot to say at the moment.
I consume animal products. Loco was right. I can't sustain it. I had a donut with coffee this morning and it was great. English muffin with cream cheese. Pancakes. Ice cream. Cheese.
At least I am making strides with toiletries and clothing. I think I am running at 100% in those areas. I am still wearing leather belts because they are durable and last along time but I won't be purchasing anything leather hopefully ever again.
I have been going to AA meetings again just to get out of the house. They are ok. They are probably a good thing for my sanity especially if I see some friends.
I just saw a pre-workout drink marketed towards women. I just had an idea to start using products marketed towards women just to fucking do it. This product actually seemed just as decent as anything else. 100mg caffeine and 25g protein. It's probably whey protein however and I'd rather be on pea protein. I probably shouldn't be using any of the products marketed on an NFL show my dad left on if I can help it.
What would my blog be without some music?
Nitewin, I sat at the bar and ate lunch the other day by myself. It can feel a little awkward at times but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. I realize I don't even know if you like drinking. The thing is the bartender is typically very attuned to what is going on and they can lead the way.
I don't know if I have anything to say here it's just something that has been rattling around in my brain. I like my pancakes as simple as possible. I like my Italian food as simple as possible. Would it be so bad to have the church in the center of the town and family values being stressed? What if it was a progressive Unitarian type of church? What if it was a university with a strong philosophy department? What if it was a library?
There is a lot of wisdom coming from the Greeks. Hell, there is a lot of wisdom coming from the anarchic tribes of yestermillenia. There is a lot of facets of tradition that are problematic however. Racism, homophobia, sexism, animal rights, et al. Christianity is extremely problematic even though Jesus is a savior. Marriage and having children I am unsure on. The USA constitution was written by a bunch of rich, white males.
Burning and Dancing and Contemplating Lifeby RiKD, November 11
Do you want to get married?
Do you want to have children?
Is tradition important to you?
Are you happy with the status quo?
One day a scab is there. The next week it's gone. Unless it's a particularly bad wound. I will carry some scars until my grave. What about baggage? What about trauma?
I am somewhat ambivalent on marriage.
I think it would be nice to have a family.
I have an Italian cookbook that dates back in some cases to 1,000 years ago. Grandmother's grandmother's recipe type of deal. It is excellent. Yet, we should all be eating vegan and figuring out new cookbooks.
I don't see how anyone outside of the bourgeoise up to billionaires can be happy with the status quo.
So, I think I said my piece on "Culture." The evil billionaires are behind it all. And most of society eats it up (sometimes literally in the case of factory farming).
It makes me want to take some ecstasy with a bunch of people and dance to songs like this:
Or since I don't do ecstasy anymore I can educate myself. That's no small feat. It's easy to get lost in stuff. It's just easy to get lost in stuff in general.
Like work. I'd be lying if I said thoughts/worries of work tomorrow morning didn't encroach on my psyche. I know I can only face tomorrow with the reason I have in the present but that doesn't always keep the anxieties from blipping through. The anxieties help me do my job to a certain extent. It is what it is. It is a fact of my life. I need to make money to try and somehow keep up with medical bills and car expenses not to mention eating.
I guess this blog is just sort of same ole' same ole'. I went back and read through some old blogs because I was trying to find those hiking boots I coveted so much. Loco was right. I do use this blog as a surrogate but the thing is I use it because I have nothing else going on. If I were doing Tai Chi or out to dinner with friends I wouldn't be blogging. Although I tend to blog upon waking or before going to sleep. Get my thoughts out uninterrupted by the day. Although I don't think many people are all that interested in paragraphs of random thought. My therapist probably isn't either but she gets to be there and help me out and eat food and decide what clothes to wear.
I use this website as a replacement for real friendships. Not to say that there isn't a place for online friendships. There is just a difference to someone in my car talking to me, maybe even complaining about something and we can level and maybe even get some laughs out of it. There is a lot of stuff I want to talk about that I can't talk about with my mom.
DJ Tiesto - Adagio for Strings just came up in the playlist I am listening to. Holy shit I was like the perfect amount of high at the peak of that song LIVE in concert. That was like a 20 speed y vodka, 20 jote peak. Although the fact that I had 20 joints doesn't really matter I could have just had 1 at the right time. That concert went to like 6am. Actually, it was still going when we left at 6am. Sick life. We were staying at this hostel and I never even saw any of my roommates due to the fact that my hours were like 4pm - 8am.
I don't really know what I should do with what Nature has given me. It's not real clear at this point. And it's tough to live life in that position.
I am trying to learn game theory atm and came across this cool problem in my textbook:
You play a game where a fair coin is flipped until it comes up tails the first time. At that point the player wins $2^n, where n is the number of times the coin was flipped. How much should one be willing to pay for each game to still be +EV
Fuck fashion. Fuck social media. Fuck it all. Fuck capitalism.
Yet, I am still on Tinder. I found out the other day that they found out that the "swipe right" motion creates a dopamine hit. Angry Birds, Tinder, Instagram.....
I'm close to going straight up born again. Except the stoic approach seems so much more rational than prayer. Jesus is the fucking man though. I want to start my own Church but I'm not qualified. I just want to be a part of it. It would probably be like a Unitarian Church but with great music. Actually, that probably already exists in my city.
I go back and forth between "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius and "The Kingdom of God Is Within Us" by Leo Tolstoy.
Here are Tolstoy's Five Christ Commandments:
1. “Be at peace with all men, and never consider your anger as just. Never look upon any man as worthless or a fool, neither call him such. Not only shall you never think yourself justified in your anger, but also you shall never consider your brother’s anger as causeless; and therefore, if there is one who is angry with you, even if it is without cause, go and be reconciled to him before praying. Endeavor to destroy all enmity between yourself and others, that their enmity may not grow and destroy you.” Matthew 5:21-26
2. “Take no pleasure in concupiscence; let each man, if he is not a eunuch, have a wife and each woman a husband; let a man have but one wife, and woman one husband, and let them never under any pretext whatever dissolve their union.” Matthew 5:32
3. “Never take an oath under any circumstances. Every oath is extorted from men for evil.” Matthew 5: 33-37
4. “Never resist evil by violence; never return violence for violence. If anyone strikes your, bear it; it anyone takes away what is yours, let him have it; if anyone makes you labor, do so; if anyone wants to have what you consider to be your own, give it up to him.” Matthew 5: 38-42
5. “Never consider men of another nation as your enemies; look upon all men as you do toward your fellow-country men; therefore you shall not kill those whom you call your enemies; love all and do good to all.” Matthew 5:43-48
I think after a cursory view life would be happier following these principles. I think resist not evil is the most controversial. I would hope we could discuss it here.
But in a way I can't argue with the likes of Zeno, Seneca, Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius. That feels more natural. I almost wish I could have some delusional trust in God. This "Grace" that comes with putting everything into God. God as Father, God as Employer.... No fear except fear of God. I mean.... I used to love loving-kindness meditations. I could see prayer being similar to that. I could probably write less blog posts if I prayed. But I don't actually believe that God is out there somewhere listening to my prayers.
I'm just trying to be me. In this crazy world. This crazy fucking universe. Is that an impossible task? Culture is not my God. Fuck culture. A bunch of white males sitting on billions of dollars. That's who creates culture. Culture is not my God. Yet, I have tattoos and wear Tommy Bahama shorts and Bread and Boxer shirts. I read about it in a magazine. Fuck magazines. Fuck Conde Naste Traveler. I'm swiping right with all the rest of the sad lot. I try to shop at Goodwill but there is just nothing really there. Trying to be me. Trying to shop at Goodwill. A lot of trying going on. There is no try only do or do not. Culture is not my God. Fuck Culture. Let me move out to Montana on a bunch of acres like Gogol's Nose. I wonder what ever happened to Gogol's Nose?
You have to have capital to do a lot in this world. I almost feel like my employer's health insurance is a scam to keep me in medical debt so I have to keep working. How the hell am I going to get out to Montana or Wyoming?
Sometimes I think I either need to become a minister or an artist. Van Gogh did both and still shot himself in the chest. It's stories like that that make me wonder if there is a way out for me. I mean I'm not getting out of this alive but maybe it would be nice to have a family or maybe not. Who the fuck knows. Some people to drink coffee with and talk. One thing about going born again is I will be the darling of all the AA circles.... I just want to study butterflies. Be in awe of their beauty.
Culture is not my God. But it still controls me to a degree. I think the less culture controls me the better off I am. If I can find others. Being an isolated recluse is not a whole lot of fun. I don't favor a solitary life that is just how the cookie has crumbled. That's the dichotomy here. If I renounce culture then in a way I renounce contemporary people. The other culture-less recluses and I will never meet.
I love this song:
I don't have internet right now but it is:
"Just Let Me Dance" - Scandal (Maxxi Soundsystem Remix)
I would like to dance more. I am not quite sure how to accomplish this.
The first time I heard this song was on an Avicci podcast way back when. Maybe like 2010. That suicide definitely resonated with me because he seemed to have a pretty good life. Also, if I am not mistaken he slit his wrists with a broken wine bottle which is definitely a way I would do it. I thought about doing that late in my drinking career all sprawled out on the couch miserable the alcohol no longer having its desired effect. You get angry. Smash a bottle on the ground and cut some arteries sounds like a great plan.
There is a difference between someone who has 2 months to live and is bed ridden with horrible pain and someone like Avicci. It doesn't matter if the latter is currently in bad experience. No experience is not better if it annihilates.
I never really said it yet but capital and capitalism is behind it all. Capital and capitalism is not my God.
Who is my God?
Fuck if I know.
Spiritual progression I would say has been fruitful. A conglomerate of spirituality to hold off the conglomerate of neoliberal capitalism. There will always be darkness in the world. Suffering, pain, misery. It feels like I am getting close to the answer. But I'm not sure there is an answer. And it is also a very individualistic thing but also the overall practice in general could be one size fits all perhaps. Meaning the problem may look simple but it is actually very complicated. And the answer could be simplified but it can't be simplified to get a true answer. I haven't come across the answer yet. I don't believe in Utopia. Hell, we are all doomed sooner than later. Climate change is coming. I need help. I really do. With more than 1 thing. With a lot of things. I just think if we can mix like the wisdom of the stoics with Jesus and "God" we are onto something. Not to forget the Taoists, Buddhists, Existentialists. It can all kind of go together. Mixing Jesus with Nietzsche? I want to be like a progressive Christian edgelord that takes into account all sources not just the piece of shit Bible.
I have a bad cold and it sucks. I slept most of the day today and my AC is bust. I just had a bomb ass pho though and I am feeling a bit better. I was the only customer in the Vietnamese place nearby until an attractive Asian around my age came in as well and ordered the same thing as me. So, we were both sat in the empty restaurant eating our pho. I feel like that is a spot if any to make a play. I didn't though. I just got completely immersed in my pho, emptied the bowl, said thanks to the staff and left. I caught her checking me out as I walked by. I'll never see her at the bars. I'll never see her anywhere except for maybe at that restaurant. I am not social. I don't go anywhere consistently to socialize. I am a social animal though. It's tough.
I haven't really felt like doing anything but you gotta pass the time no? I bit a decent chunk out of Mark Fisher's blog posts. Fucking awesome. I slogged through some Baudrillard. I am thinking about quitting that book. He is some parts brilliant but other parts repetitive yet all over the place. Not completely incomprehensible but definitely a dense read. I like just having Mark Fisher's blogs around to jump in and devour them at will similar to having Infinite Jest around although they serve different purposes. Besides those two which I will have around and read and re-read I am currently lacking that book that I am really excited about reading. All the stuff on my bookshelf and all the stuff in my Goodreads hasn't really been calling my name either. Byung-Chul Han has a new book but I haven't even read "What is Power?" yet. "Political Philosophy of Post-Structural Anarchism" by Todd May may be the one.
I wish I wanted to paint. Not yet. I feel crummy. Crummy that I don't want to read textbooks right now or paint or do much of anything. Maybe I'll watch ContraPoints latest installment. Ruhhharrrggghhh. That's how I feel.
I suppose I am not miserable or depressed. Perhaps disengaged or alienated. I am not sure how to fix this. I have my books but I don't always feel like reading. I am currently slogging through a Todd May book where he is thinking about how to counter Camus' silent universe. It's not really all that convincing or enjoyable to read. Of course, I am re-reading "Infinite Jest" like I mention at every opportunity which is fantastic. I'm so smart for reading such a long, complicated book. I think it's more I am just so excited about this piece of literature I just want to talk about it and have no one to discuss it with.
One thing Todd May talks about is thinking deeper which means thinking slower. I am not even sure if I know what that means but I know it probably doesn't mean to scarf it down mindlessly like one would a Big Mac, Coke, and french fries. One has to linger, give it some time. As Byung-Chul Han would discuss there can be a scent to time. Let it breathe. Let it linger. Both Byung-Chul Han and Aristotle say the greatest good is to linger contemplatively. I don't know if we need to go that far. But there is certainly value there especially if one is contemplating things anyway.
I have been thinking a lot about what would bring me more joy? What would engage me in life? What would make me feel less alienated?
Friends is probably the first choice. Or just connection to people. God, we have certainly been through this before......
My therapist suggested that I try online dating. I told her I had no interest in Tinder. She was saying as we get older with the things we are avoiding the circuits in the brain get stronger and it becomes more and more difficult to expose ourself to the stimuli. I believe that dating and making friends gets more difficult as we get older to boot. So, I am kind of up against a lot. She was like fuck that just trial it out and see what happens. Dance with life!
Does anyone on here have experience with non Tinder/Bumble dating sites? I've heard of OKCupid. That's the only one that comes to mind.
I talked about how when I had any success in dating I had money, status, and was drinking a lot in my twenties. Now, I am a poor, sober leftist nobody 35 year old. I am attracted to the 24-28 hot little numbers even if in most cases we wouldn't be very compatible. I need a certain level of beauty. At least it feels that way. And that's not just tied into some 28 year old blonde with big tits. I just have to find some beauty in the person. Many times that's hard to do with just a profile to look at.
All the women I have slept with or dated had a certain beauty to them. I don't know where I stand today. Like, if I have to settle and date fat women, single moms, cougars. In today's late stage capitalism with many following suit I am a bit of a leper. I am not "supposed" to be in medical debt living with my parents. And it doesn't seem fair. I live a morally good life but perhaps not a meaningful life and I wouldn't say I live a beautiful life. When I am painting I live a beautiful life. When I am contemplating philosophy I am living a beautiful life. My life would certainly be more exciting if I were dating. Oh well, I am eating dinner soon. I will certainly continue to think deeply or rather think slowly on these topics. To linger contemplatively. Vida contemplativa . It's the only way I know.
So, I am reading this book "Death (The Art of Living)" by Todd May. There are some points I would like to discuss. May posits that Epicurus doesn't get it entirely right. There is more to life than just pleasure and pain. There are also projects. There are also "other" like the author taking an afternoon nap and waking up to trees and blue sky outside of his window and the joyful and wistful feelings that bring. There can also be contributing to the Other but May actually disagrees and says that contributing to the Other is inherently meaningless because life itself is meaningless. It is akin to sharing food with someone on a sinking ship. This is where I think May is wrong. He isn't wrong that life is inherently meaningless but maybe just maybe community and contributing to the Other is one of the only things we have. If there were "meaning" in this life that would be it.
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