EDIT: I had no idea, just having my grind session, movie soundtracks like Oblivion are awesome, but can get a tad distracting.
So here, I got the idea! I used to listen to Thrillseekers while studying for my degree, why not slap their podcast on!
So download it blindly I put it on during a sesh
and go like
"uuhmmm yeah I like this
"hang on this sounds familiar"
"All trance sounds the same that's probably it dude, keep grindin'"
"No hang on I've definitely heard THIS one before"
check the website
"15 Years of trance, best of set"
and started dancing around my room, felt nostalgic as fuck when I paid attention to the set
The very second song is the one from Human Traffic soundtrack from the kiss for example
incremental vs. epiphanic improvementby Santafairy, December 09
What's something you got good at little by little over time? And what's something you worked on over a long period of time but had delayed improvement? And then after a while everything seemed to come together at once? Explain what the process was like. Was it constant effort or did your commitment fluctuate? Was it spread out over years or short and intense? When you were going through it did you ever doubt what you were doing?
I think you can scroll through and look at them with this link but not listen unless you sign up for a Spotify account.
They also have a cool playlist called "Tastebreakers" where they took the songs from the Top 100 list and then compiled a different list. "Start 2019 by broadening your horizons. We've made you a playlist of songs from genres and artists you don't normally explore - and we think you'll like it." The playlist is pretty f'n awesome. Anyways, this blog is sounding like an advertisement for Spotify.
2018 isn't over yet but all of this had me reflecting. 2018 was a strange year. I was kind of all over the place. I think a lot of it tied into my struggle to get a date as a poor person living with my parents or even beyond those "excuses": How do I date and be ok in my own skin? Or, at least this is seemingly what My Interpreter is piecing together (Michael Gazzaniga, Gifford Lectures, "The Interpretor" Youtube it - fascinating stuff). Or, more simply how do I get ok in my own skin?
I remember back to my days of waking up at 5am to train. I got pretty nicely pumped up there. I still think bodybuilding is based in vanity and narcissism. Byung-Chul Han posits that depression is based in narcissism as well. I think my unaltered state is to be pretty narcissistic. Now part of this is AA brainwashing. I really can't answer the question if I am more self-centered or narcissistic than the average person. I really don't know. But, my immediate response to being self-centered and narcissistic is to go help someone else. That I must help someone else or I am going to end up drinking or doing drugs again. I am in conflict with these fellowships. I can never feel ok in my own skin if I am a part of them and it seems to be difficult to be ok in my own skin without them.
There was my experiences with Tinder which spurned the dissatisfaction to look further into Buddhism. I pretty much went tunnel vision in one to tunnel vision in another. I am not sure how I moderate that behavior. It seems to cause a lot of suffering.
There was that amazing 2 month period of being unemployed. I learned a lot.
Tonight I thought about going to an AA meeting just to get out of the house and socialize with some people. Even if those people are going to tell me I need to pray and I need to turn my will and my life over to God. I made myself dinner and signed up for a complex science course instead. Seeing the two options written out there is really no competition.
So, what are some things I am trending towards as we move into 2019?
I would like to get back into Buddhism. Start exploring Samatha (Calm) meditation. I am holding off on scriptures. Currently, really enjoying "Infinite Jest" by DFW. Overall, it is just enjoyable but also I think it helps me with AA. Here is a guy poking fun at the whole situation and it's great.
How am I going to be ok in my own skin and find a society to be a part of with out having to conform?
That is a tricky one but I think learning more about relevant sciences and Buddhism is a part of that. I suppose I also may just have to accept that I will spend my Saturday nights making myself dinner, watching science lectures and posting on LP. I will take my dinner tonight though. I cooked up some rice at like 35c per serving, fried 2 eggs my dad had in the fridge that were going to go bad before he comes home from his trip, mixed in some chili paste my Thai aunt gave me, and added a little bit of Sriracha. This is something else I will be working on. Working on meals over the course of the week that are varied, vegan, nutritious, nourishing. Using the produce that is local, in season, and organic if possible.
I think this Tastebreakers playlist is an atopic Other bringing me out of my depression. Who knows?
People are always in transition but it feels like I am in transition. Not that I want to be. I want consistency, homeostasis, comfort, peace, contentment. Where do I start? I just felt like writing a blog. I am in a frame of mind where I just do what I want to do then I sleep a lot then I work. I am not forcing myself to meditate or go to meetings or read scriptures or be "spiritual." This whole tutz thing is almost comical but I don't want to be mean. He's a caricature of what I am trying to steer clear of. What does it even mean to be spiritual? My therapist commented today that I don't seem to be of the flesh. I had no idea what she was talking about. I had to Google it. Turns out it is Romans 8 from the Bible: "You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ." What does it mean to be in the realm of the Spirit? My therapist also said I was thoughtful and cerebral which it felt like she was describing herself but I would say fair ways to describe myself as well. I think talking to her about my Buddhist teacher situation was helpful. It just is what it is. The tough part is what do I do now? Fuck it man, I just do what I end up doing. Back to determined, atheist, pseudo-nihilist (that ends up going back to AA meetings because there is seemingly nothing else to do). It felt good today to hunker down and watch one of the Gifford Lectures Loco posted. It was stimulating. I would say it was even exciting. I don't think I've had excitement in my life for 4 months if not longer. Some would say it's a bit deranged to get excited about a lecture on neuroscience but fuck the naysayers. This is my life. That's how it happened to go. Which I started writing this blog about my thoughts and I've been thinking on the way to the therapist because I was supposed to bring her my goals and I am thinking in therapy and then I am thinking on the ride home and I am thinking all day and most of these thoughts are completely repetitive and useless. I have little else to do though than to just think. I remember in meditation I experienced the mundanity of thought. Even though one of my favorites Byung-Chul Han stressed the value of contemplative lingering. What is right?
Who wouldn't want a good mentor or teacher? But, I am burned out at the thought of it. I don't even know what I want.
I watched a Warcraft 3 game today. 120 vs Moon. Brought back memories. 120 is crazy good. I remember playing this game for 10+ hours a day with the goal of being a progamer. I could be competitive at a local WCG Qualifier and even almost qualified for WCG online one summer but was no where close to being a progamer. Actually, that wasn't even the goal I just wanted to be l337 and travel to some tournaments. Failed. But, I heard TillerMaN was playing poker and did some investigations and found teamliquid poker discussion and carved out a decent living for some years. Far better than I ever would have done at wc3. It's crazy though that I was perfectly cool with playing wc3 for 10+ hours a day. I would skip meals and not care. Not shower. Nothing else mattered. And, you know what? I loved it. Maybe a stranger thing is that I don't have the gamer in me at all anymore. I don't know what's in me anymore. It seems like I get excited about organic plants and how to prepare them. I get enthused about LP which may be a bit pathetic but it's honestly probably my favorite thing besides sleeping at this point. I tried reading some Raman Maharshi last night and got through like 2 pages and was just thoroughly not enthused. I just sit and listen to Björk. There is not a whole lot I trust in Buddhism at this point and never profoundly experienced the benefits of not listening to music. I am not meditating anyways so what's the difference? I can't get distracted doing something I have no intention of doing at the moment.
I am not going to meetings. Any meetings. My brainwashing is telling me this might be a problem. Friends in AA and Refuge have been texting me and calling me to come back. I will probably go on Wednesday if my friend texts me. Begrudgingly but in some ways happy that there just may be some connection in my life. Even if it's with a bunch of brainwashed drunks.
I remember probably the highest I've ever been in my life. I was stressed after a bad session and was inhaling a blunt of really dope stuff thinking the more and faster I puffed the faster I could escape my woes. I thought I was going to die. I had unnerving sensations pulsing through out my body. I vaguely remember someone saying sugar helps ease the high and I vaguely remember staring at the refrigerator for what literally could have been 20 min. I don't think I ever got any fruit juice I intended on getting. I thought I have to get my mind off of these thoughts and played Mario Kart. I was teetering on euphoria and thinking I could go back to death's door any moment. I seemed like I was in the clear so I just lay in my bed and listened to Björk and entered this 4th dimension of bliss. She saved me that fox from Iceland. I will always love Björk. Bebel Gilberto with an iv of red wine has also been my consistent savior..... Until it wasn't it......
Not a lot changes. Candle lit. Thinking "deeply" about the mundane. The Struggle.
Meditation, spirituality, resting phase by LemOn[5thF], December 03
Being a poker pro gives you this amazing possibility and drive to explore new things, every single one of you probably thinks back about your career
And how great it was to have the flexibility to explore the world when you want, but as you work on your own you actually get to have the drive left to socialize and do exciting things with people YOU want instead of being drained by interactions from coworkers and clients.
And how stupid you were if you didn't grab the possibility and make the most of it as all of us fail to do at certain periods.
But enough of the passive aggressive jabs at you quitters who won't run sims with me a post hands and such
Well one of these nights I decided to go to a nuclear physics faculty (or whatever the hell it's called, I'm.sure you'll correct me)
First I tasted a pretty delish ice cream made by liquid nitrogen, seriously the guy was cooking it up, nitrogen spewing everywhere looked like a magic potion
But turned out to be just a way cooler looking fridge
I then proceeded to witness a genius burning magnesium, and with his cool science joke he proceeded to demonstrate how dry ice will put the fire out, it doesn't. Instead it starts to resemble and exploding star and bloody blinded me instead.
And then my hand was on GODDAMN WILD FIRE! As I was the only volunteer who allowed his hands to be set ablaze by a substance I didn't ask about, but that burned at low temperatures. Pretty sure this was the stuff used in movies before CGI
Ad then the finále, a lecture of complex states in physics applied to neuropsychology. https://i.gyazo.com/1855f251f06b9aea7553e6f86e91ac39.jpg
And hence lies the meat of the blog - I'm fucking cringing every time Tutz pulls shit like vibration or energy or higher states of consciousness in esoteric terms, when these people thing they are special, almost better than you dumb-asses trying to apply logic to unexplainable things, and simply using the mentions terms as these placeholders for shit they don't understand. #Go Science!
I've been meditating off and on for 10 years now, done Kwan-um-zen, read a bunch of books and ain't no esoteric shit there that can't be explained. And the most interesting piece of the lecture were MRI scans that were taken from subjects who were performing various activities, including induced Psychedelic states by substances found in shrooms under controlled conditions.
And the interesting thing that came up is that the part of the brain during both Psychedelic resting phase, where you don't think or do about anything at all actually lights up the most has most blood flow etc. And every time you actively try to think solve problems work etc. You're basically forcing the brain away from the ares that light up the most and are the most powerful. A theory might be that it's simple into have a problem to solve you're likely to also need your body etc. So the parts needed allocate less resources toothed high resource intensive brain.
While at resting time it let's the resting state brain go nuts. This resting state brain is also high in entropy
- Imagine it as a much wider bandwidth of information, with much higher levels of chaos also that's caused by the increased number of simple systems /neurons that get actively connected together and cause complexity and chaos.
It's induced by psychedelics, near death experiences and I presume also deep meditation.
And therefore lie lessons, if you want your brain to think harder, stop trying to actively think harder but induce a resting phase by whatever means you see fit.
And when you have the esoteric experiences, and start pulling shit like vibrations spirit animals that you think came to you from the netherworld know it's just the powerful part of the brain with high bandwidth and high chaos that's creating the things that are coming to you and allows you to create and pick them out of there, much like the mind if of child, someone with near death experience, or that dude you've seen high on shrooms on your last Couchella
Hello dear ones,
In this blog I will write my story of spiritual awakening. The intention of this is mainly to inspire others to follow the spiritual path of self-discovery.
I understand everything I write here will be dissected and analyzed by fellow LPers. A lot of what I say will be dismissed by most, but that’s ok. I have no intention to convince the rational mind, as what I’m going to describe can’t be fully understood in the level of mind. There is a deeper dimension in all of us, the one that is there when thoughts aren’t. That’s the part of you that I might be able to reach, if you have enough presence.
If what I’m about to say makes no sense to you, it means you are not ready for these words. It does not mean you are less than me, it just means you are still in a different path. But if my words resonate with a deeper dimension of your being, that could be a hint that you should look further. I would like to dedicate this to our friend RikD, and I hope my words reach him the way I meant them to.
I will divide my story in ‘Events’, as I feel I can point specific moments in my life that shifted my level of consciousness, little by little.
------Event #1: Emotional reaction to Eckhart Tolle teachings
Back in 2015 (I was 25 years old), I was in my final year of a BSc in Economics and Finance with the University of London. This was a distance learning programme, which allowed me to live anywhere while studying. I say this just so the more rational friends here at least know I have some sort of academic background, although I don’t believe having one is of any importance to the spiritual path.
In that year, I landed a 4-month long internship at the United Nations in Geneva (Switzerland). One day in Geneva a close friend of mine recommended me Eckhart Tolle’s books. He was not a friend in any sort of ‘spiritual path’, but rather agnostic, just as me, but he thought Eckhart had interesting insights. At the time I liked to go to a park near my place in Geneva to read something while smoking a joint, usually on Sundays. I decided to buy Tolle’s book called ‘A New Earth’ and give it a shot.
I remember right off the bat I thought the book was crap, since in the first pages it cites a few Christian passages and ‘esoteric mumbo jambo’, as I thought, but I had a lot of respect for the friend that recommended me the book, so I decided to keep at it. As I continued reading the book, it became more and more interesting. At one point in the book, Eckhart talked about the shift in collective consciousness that Earth is going through, and I had a gut reaction like never before. I felt choked out, wanted to cry, but I could not understand that feeling. Where was it coming from? Am I crazy? I thought… I could not yet realize, as I do today, that my higher self was waving a huge red flag trying to tell me I was reading a profound truth, something that I already knew, but was just then ‘remembering’.
This was something that repeated many times over. I would have deep emotional reactions to his books, to a point I could not ignore that there was something there and I could not point exactly what it was. It was enough for me to decide to put some of his teachings to the test. As I started little practices of awareness, ego identification, presence, I could see a shift in the quality of my life. I was at ease much more often than before. This was not something that happened from one day to the other, but a process, where I would sometimes catch my ego, my thoughts, my reaction, and put it to bed. My life got better, people around me started saying I was different, and indeed I felt different. At this point I had to recognize that something had happened, and that there was truth in Eckhart teachings. I decided to re-read all of Eckhart books, along with a couple from Osho (because Osho had similar teaching to Eckhart’s), as to get a deeper grasp on those teachings. This time the ‘esoteric mumbo jambo’ made more sense than before, so I started to think: ‘maybe there is something here…’.
-----Event #2: Heat sensations during meditation
Now we are in 2016. Until this point, I had never meditated in my life. It was something I regarded as pointless. In fact I could not stand just being still, I could not ‘stop thinking’, my rational brain would kick in and call me stupid for even trying such a thing.
This changed because, seeing the shift in my life that Eckhart and Osho’s teachings brought about, I realized I could not just ignore the part of the teachings that I felt unconformable with. I thought: “well, should I also meditate and see what happens?”. I downloaded an app called “Insight Timer” and committed myself to meditate every morning for just 15 minutes. This would be a test, so I could at least say I tried. My first trials were uncomfortable, I could not find the right position to sit, and my brain would go crazy during the whole 15 minutes. This lasted for about a month. But one thing that caught my attention was that, every time I felt like I was in a meditative state, my body would heat up a little bit. It was a little weird at first and I usually took it as a sign I was doing something wrong, that my body was in a wrong position. Eventually I realized this heat sensation was always there, so whenever it came up, I decided to hold it and see what would happen, to see if it would eventually just go away.
To my surprise, it didn’t. It became more intense the more I held the meditative state. My body started heating so much I could not just sit there. It forced me to stand up and stop meditating, because I felt very uncomfortable. As soon as I would stop meditating, my body would immediately cool down. This was so crazy to my rational mind that I decided to google about it in order to find out if other people had the same experiences. I found many answers, none scientific enough to be able to satisfy my rational mind. All explanations I could find were ‘esoteric’. More importantly, the esoteric explanations mostly pointed out that this was a form a ‘mediumship’, that is, a form of connection to the spiritual realm, which to me sounded sooo crazy.
-----Event #3: Finding a teacher: Professor Laercio Fonseca
During this search for an answer I came across the teachings of Professor Laercio Fonseca. He is a Brazilian spiritual teacher, one of the most famous and respected. He has a youtube channel with hundreds of hours of teachings. I started to watch his videos with a lot of skepticism, but this quickly changed, and I will explain why. Now we are in 2017, almost 2018.
Professor Laercio specialized in helping people get in direct contact with the spiritual world. He teaches several techniques that can help almost anyone get there. His techniques entail a lot of self-discipline. Also, the seeker must have some sort of predisposition to mediumship, which is mostly genetic, but can also be developed.
From his videos, I learned that the sensations during meditation, specially the heat sensation, is a sign of mediumship, and that this can be further developed. I learned that one of the essential things one should do in order to develop mediumship is to become a vegan. This is because plants have a much higher vibration frequency than animal-based food, and so it becomes much easier to access higher states of consciousness if you eat vegetables only. This was the hardest part for me, as I was (maybe still am) a meat lover. But at this point I was committed to finding out what exactly everything I was experiencing was, so I enrolled in a Vegan Culinary Course (lol) and forced myself to become a vegan. To this day I’m still learning to be a vegan, and sometimes I miss meat, but I can’t deny how this has changed my life, so there is no turning back. I’m vegan for life now…
After becoming a vegan, my mediumship exploded. It was so quick, just as if my spiritual guides were waiting all that time for me to stop eating meat so they could reach me.
-----Event 4#: Manifestation of my Spiritual Guide (and others)
One day, about a month after becoming a vegan, the heat sensation through my body was so strong that drops of sweat started dripping from my face. This was during a 15 minutes meditation… After the meditation I remember recording a video and sending to my family and friends showing how I was sweating at 5am from meditation while outside was 10° degrees. The next day I thought I should do a longer session, just to see how I would feel. I put the timer to 30 minutes and sat there, 4am in the morning, ready to be all sweaty again.
Then, after about 20 minutes in, my spiritual guide manifested right in front of me. I wasn’t scared at all. He was smiling and I could feel all the love emanating from him… I was the most amazing sensation I ever felt. There was no doubt in my mind, I was not questioning, I could see and feel, as if me and him knew each other from a long time ago. I didn’t say anything, I just looked, smiled, said ‘thank you’ in my mind many times over. I was so grateful for that moment… It changed my life.
From this day on, my body continued to heat during meditation, but it was not as strong as before. My guide started to appear many times during my meditation, and he started to teach me. I could write much much more about everything I have learned from him, but then this would be a much more ‘esoteric’ blog, and that is not my intention here. I know people here will call me crazy just for the things I have already said. If I start talking about Samsara or Reincarnation, chances are less people will pay attention to what I’m trying to say.
What I want out of this blog is to draw attention from those who are seeking and are ready to listen. It is my mission, as it is yours too, to awaken as many fellow humans as possible in order to help ease the shift in consciousness earth is going through. If only one person here resonates with what I’m saying, my mission here is accomplished.
Dear ones, if you have questions, I’m sure I can answer them, but please have in mind that my answer will most likely not be what your rational mind is expecting. Earth is a school for spiritual evolution. We are all here to learn. Let’s humble ourselves in recognition of our own worldly ignorance.
Wasu wasu LP, long time no see. Going to Vegas for the first time this new years with a couple of friends, any recommendations on what to do? Anyone there during new years?
I am a bit depressed. I really have no idea if this blog will help I am just grasping at straws. It feels like at this point in time I should know how to deal with depression: hang out with friends, go for a walk, refrain from sleeping so damn much but sleep is the only reprieve I have from an existence that is so mundane. Where did this all come from? I think part of it stems from feeling like I had a way in life. The Buddha, the Dhamma, the Sangha. Except for the fact my meditation teacher fell through. Actually, my original Buddhist "guru" Noah Levine was surrounded by scandal. The local monk was a bust and then the online monk who seemed to be the answer was not. I was meditating for 1+ hours a day for many days and reading scripture religiously. I can never have a Sangha because I can never become a monk. I still believe in the Buddha and the Dhamma but can't seem to get myself to read anything. The only thing I read is "Infinite Jest" by DFW which is quite a sad novel. I also read AdBusters magazine which is a bit much at times but I have been enjoying it. If anyone would like to read the most recent one or 5 classic magazines digitally PM me and I'll send you the link.
So, I grasp. I go to AA meetings. AA meetings full of praying and turning our life and wills over to G O D. But, maybe I have some conversations with some fellow drunks and maybe that makes me feel better. Then there is Refuge. It means well but I don't know the exact words I want to use to disparage it.
I don't see my therapist until next week I had to do something.
I realize I have very few friends here that I can text or call and do something with. It didn't seem to bother me when I was on this path to Enlightenment but now that path seems tarnished or tired and honestly the best time I've had in the last 2 months was getting vegan curry with a friend and going for a walk.
The biggest event in the last week was going to Goodwill to investigate the clothing they had there. Rather disappointing.
The mid-term elections just ended. I was watching news when I saw Nancy Pelosi. I google searched "Nancy Pelosi young" then "Nancy Pelosi naked", expecting to see exactly what I saw -- a photo of her face cropped on various poses of naked women. I was kind of turned on by it. More seriously though, I find myself having trouble with political identity. I don't really fit in with either side of the political spectrum. I am fearful that I will always be without friends, without sides, without identity. I am working on this though so we'll see how it goes.
I am pretty shallow. I can't get myself to like a girl unless she is reasonably hot. I also fear that a woman will grow old and fat in a long term relationship. The world itself is very shallow though. I have found that you generally end up with someone similar in attractiveness level to you. The world tells me I am not attractive. It sucks. I posted on social media for the first time in awhile a few months back and a girl liked my post that I think I could have gone out with. She def was not very attractive. She was really asian, church-going, and didn't have her shit together life wise. The thing that annoyed me most was that I got the impression she just kind of presumed that she and I were a great match for some reason which was depressing.
I've thought about getting a cat recently but I haven't made up my mind whether its a good idea or not. I've also thought about getting into scuba diving.
For the first time in literally years
I had my eyes glued to the monitor, laughed, sang along, paused to think and appreciate what just happened, cried first with laughter (grandma passage in the audience), then actually fucking cried (you'll know when guaranteed if you know SNL cast member's past vaguely), the 1.15hours passed like 10 minutes
I also had one of the most surreal nights of my life yesterday, I actually am gonna sit down and write it down thing by thing for myself just to remember everything that happened, it was insane coincidences happening, and me just laughing in awe all night at what's unravelling. But that's a story for me that you wouldn't nearly appreciate, 100% Fresh however you can, and I hope you will be as shocked as I am that this over the top unfunny guy (in recent years at least) can produce something like this
I am making a big batch of oatmeal downstairs in a rice cooker and it has 20 more min. to go. I don't want to lie down and read the Buddha's words because I might fall asleep and have oatmeal heating all night. I don't really feel like meditating either. My meditation teacher has me on a new walking meditation and I want to be more into it before I give it a go. So, here I am. Those last 3 sentences say a lot about what I have been up to. Trying to get the most out of cooked food, reading scriptures and discourse, and meditating are my life right now. Then, there is work too but I really don't like discussing work on my blog.
I am looking to move more towards this guy's direction:
The main goal being to continue simplifying my life and moving towards Nibbanna. I have really been into Southeast Asian food recently. Besides breakfast (Pumpkin oatmeal with walnuts and blueberries) I have been eating Thai, Vietnamese, Indian, Cambodian for just about every meal. I am really getting into it. Investigating everything. Experimenting with my own dishes. I bought a wok and some cookbooks and have been exploring. I can get out of the local Vietnamese place for less than $12 which is pretty good. It is tough to get out of the local Thai places for less than $25 it seems. The red curry I cooked up the other night was about $7/serving not including the time it took to go to the market and the labor to cook it up. I actually enjoyed doing both things so it is probably fair not to count that into the equation. I am looking forward to getting out to the proper Asian food market tomorrow to see what I will find. Considering I would like to not be eating dairy or meat for the rest of my life there is value in learning how to cook vegan curries and stir fries. I think with most dishes it doesn't even really matter what you put into it it matters what is available, fresh, ripe, etc. but it appears that a lot of the same stuff are showing up in the different curries and stir-fries.
I have also gotten really into candles. I would like to start making my own. My only consumption these days seem to be gifts for people, food, and offerings for the Buddha. That's not a bad way to go. I just think I could make the candles that I want better than overpaying these other companies.
I took a walk on the beach today which I feel like that is a worthwhile endeavor. Sometimes I get these thoughts on how great it will be to linger contemplatively but you know after doing so much meditation I realize that is more or less bullshit. I was better off being mindful. At any rate, it seemed to give me a bump in energy and mood and I didn't end up taking a nap today.
I was feeling a bit lonely tonight and didn't have anything planned so I ended up at an AA meeting. It was an interesting perspective since I haven't been to that one in such a long time. The word that comes to mind is cute. Mostly newcomers beings newcomers and the fact that nothing changes in the rooms of AA. My biggest hangup is the insistence that we need to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. That if we pray to God he will have our backs. It's just delusion. Then again, I am the one that went to an AA meeting entirely on my own volition so I need to be prepared and put up with the dogma. I mostly sat and was bored or entertained or whatever. It was nice seeing some people and having some conversations although I noticed my tolerance for useless chatter has gone way down. I excused myself to take care of my cats and got out of there.
Refuge has been ok. It's really my sole avenue of being social outside of work. I have my gripes with it. Oh well.
Also I'm getting some Poker Merch from Aliexpress for the gym + stream
Maybe even to become an instagram pro? (I tried posting real life shit as I love taking pictures, but it's such a timewaster, deleted the app as I realized I don't need no likes from people to be happy, and followers weren't growing much)
Maybe one day when I'm tired of grinding and coaching online and switch to live and I want to build my brand + get side money that way it might be useful to maintain instagram.
I remember I saved these lines from LP many years ago. Time to put them right back in.
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours"
"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful."
"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend"
"Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions"
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
"And if there were a God, I think it very unlikely that He would have such an uneasy vanity as to be offended by those who doubt His existence"
"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one"
"I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence"
"Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned."
/userpoll/draw.php?poll_id=2589
Poll: Do you believe in god?
(Vote): Yes I'm religious
(Vote): No, atheist
(Vote): Somewhere inbetween
(Vote): Don't know
Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, yogis and gangstas, proletariat and bourgeois – we gather you all here today as fellow humans, to tell you a tale of life, a tale that we’ve each personally experienced, a tale about that moment when a human life is birthed from womb to world, water to air, and darkness to light.
Let me tell you about my experience, what it is like for a privileged white boy, who never wanted kids, to start a family. I’ve gone from drunkenly tipping porta potties for fun and angrily beating up strangers to vent, to tenderly holding this bundle of love in my arms and crying with joy as I look into my wife’s eyes. And am I ever glad that I made it here.
We’re both wounded kids, Penpa and I. Don’t get me wrong, everyone has childhood wounds, so I’m not saying we’re anything special. But I can’t talk about our first child without bringing up our root wounds. For us, this journey from pregnancy to birth has been a deep dive into the early traumas which have shaped us, and healing them so they aren’t passed on.
Our wounds were both around broken families. Hers while fleeing Tibet as a refugee and being left behind at a boarding school in India while her parents settled in Nepal to make a living. Mine after a drug bust sent my father to jail, which led to his deportation back to Guatemala and out of my life for 30 years.
So when we found out we were pregnant, we both felt a strong need to be an unbroken family, to be in love and raise the child together as a team, as lifetime teammates. That meant all the lingering bullshit we were still harboring inside us needed to be addressed, and the growth needed to happen now, no more procrastination. In that way, from the very start, this kid was cutting through our self deception and leading us into growth and transformation.
As first time parents, this entire experience has been a novel adventure delivering gorgeous views and regular challenges to step up and grow. As our baby developed in the womb, we both felt a powerful energy sweep over us, inspiring us to face what we’d been afraid to face. The spiritual power of bringing a new life into the world was unexpected, but greatly appreciated. While the pregnancy changed us, the birth was also a rebirth for us into the life of parents.
I’d hoped for a short labor, a “wake up in the morning with contractions starting, head to the birth center at midday, and get home by dinner to celebrate with the new arrival” type of labor.
What we got was contractions starting on Friday, which became intense enough that Penpa couldn’t sleep that night. The next morning they’d slowed a bit but were still coming regularly enough so that we knew it was no longer Braxton Hicks. We already had our 41 week appointment with the midwife set for that afternoon, so we went with our bags packed ready to stay and have the kid.
No such luck, as the midwife checked to find we were only 1 centimeter dilated and she said we were still only in latent (early) labor, which could last a while. She informed us that it was common for contractions to get accelerated at night due to melatonin and oxytocin levels rising, which was our experience that evening as contractions stayed spaced out till nightfall, when they got closer again, making it tough for Penpa to sleep.
Sunday repeated the previous days pattern, but contractions got more intense and we started thinking, “it’s gonna be a Monday baby!”
When we woke up Monday morning (more like I woke up and Penpa braved the day after another sleepless night) it felt like my vision was coming into fruition, as the contractions were stronger and more consistent, generally 6 to 3 minutes apart. By the afternoon we were getting long stretches of minute long contractions spaced 3 minutes apart, and by the evening we hit the magic number of 3-1-1; 3 minutes apart, 1 minute long, for 1 hour. That was our cue to head into the midwife, so we grabbed our bags and made the drive. Upon arrival to the birth center, we unpacked our bags, burned some incense and smudged each other, and got the water started in the tub. It was time to bring this baby into the world.
Or maybe not. The midwife did the cervical check and came back with some rattling news – it was only at 2 centimeters. While active labor is usually indicated by 3-1-1 contractions, the official measure is a cervical dilation of 5 to 6 centimeters. So we still had a bit of time to go, while these contractions were now no joke and happening all the time. It could be another 12 hours, or another couple days, before hitting enough dilation, no way to know for sure. What they did know was that we’re only supposed to be admitted at active labor, so they sent us to labor at home till we hit that mark.
We went home to another sleepless night of contractions spaced 3, or 2, or even 1 minute apart. By Tuesday morning Penpa was beat and saying things like “I think I’m gonna die”, but she kept riding the contraction waves out, switching positions from leaning on the birth ball, to laying in the tub, to child’s pose on the bed, and more. We weren’t sure how we’d know if she was dilated enough, but when the bloody show started increasing quickly and the contractions got so strong that she was beginning to feel urges to push, we decided it was time to go.
We got into the car for what turned out to be our last drive out to the midwife, arriving at 12:20pm. The cervical exam brought great news – she was 7.5 centimeters dilated!
By 1:40pm on October 16th our baby boy, Dorje GEM Khandro, arrived, birthed in the same tub where we’d started filling the water the night before. I caught him in my hands (with the guidance of the midwife) and we brought him up into Penpa’s arms. I cried with relief that our baby was safe and in our arms, relief that all my worries could now subside, our little Gem was here!
Penpa carried him to the bed where she laid down and held him on her chest as she delivered the placenta. The medical staff did their checkups while we laid on the bed with our beautiful baby boy and had our minds blown and hearts open wide from all the love pouring out.
It’s an experience of love that I don’t have words for, and which I’d been told about but never understood. There’s no understanding it till you have the experience for yourself, and I’m guessing any parent reading this knows exactly what I mean. I’ve continued to cry throughout the week since the birth from the overwhelming love and gratitude I feel. On an energetic level, I felt this blissful love blasting through my energy channels and transforming my energy body back to a flow I hadn’t felt since childhood.
After some initial breastfeeding I had the honor of cutting the cord. Then mama and baby Dorje took a well earned nap before we went home to eat dinner with grandma. She was blown away that we’d had the baby just 6 hours earlier, and were now home and eating instead of laid up in the hospital for several days like she’d been when I was born.
That night I couldn’t stop staring at our baby boy, rotating from awe, to tears of joy and gratitude, to relief, to love for my family – the amazing woman who brought my boy into the world, and this precious Gem which was already transforming me on every level of my being.
Since then I felt like I entered into season 2 of LOST and joined Desmond in the hatch, having to hit the button every 108 minutes. The midwifes told us to make sure we breastfed every 2 hours, which we tracked with our phones. Every time that alarm went off, the breastfeeding would start and we’d hit the button to reset the countdown again. We began our baby-moon and entered the world of sleep deprivation, the initiation ritual of all new parents.
After a week as parents Penpa said “Sleepless nights are worth it, when you have a treasure like this.” Oh, how right she is.
I'm now diving into my new life as a parent and an Innovative Yogi. I've been blessed to get to this place, and I feel like it's my duty to share what I've learned.
Meditation, breathing, yoga, mindfulness, and soul work have been the essential tools for my transformation, and through Innovative Yogis I'm offering training and coaching to anyone who wants to learn them.
Poker set me on the path of meditation thanks to a great CardRunners series called "The Eight Fold Path To Poker Enlightenment". While I'd been exposed to meditation all my life, I didn't actually try to get good at it till I realized how much it would help me improve my poker game (especially managing tilt and staying focused).
While my poker skills improved, so did my life overall, and it was the first step on my path of personal evolution to the person I am today. It makes me happy to be able to offer that back to the poker community, so hit me up if you want to my help as you travel your path
P.S. I'm still on the babymoon, spending lots of time with my newborn son, but will be available for online sessions starting next week
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from the Bible: "You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ." What does it mean to be in the realm of the Spirit? My therapist also said I was thoughtful and cerebral which it felt like she was describing herself but I would say fair ways to describe myself as well. I think talking to her about my Buddhist teacher situation was helpful. It just is what it is. The tough part is what do I do now? Fuck it man, I just do what I end up doing. Back to determined, atheist, pseudo-nihilist (that ends up going back to AA meetings because there is seemingly nothing else to do). It felt good today to hunker down and watch one of the Gifford Lectures Loco posted. It was stimulating. I would say it was even exciting. I don't think I've had excitement in my life for 4 months if not longer. Some would say it's a bit deranged to get excited about a lecture on neuroscience but fuck the naysayers. This is my life. That's how it happened to go. Which I started writing this blog about my thoughts and I've been thinking on the way to the therapist because I was supposed to bring her my goals and I am thinking in therapy and then I am thinking on the ride home and I am thinking all day and most of these thoughts are completely repetitive and useless. I have little else to do though than to just think. I remember in meditation I experienced the mundanity of thought. Even though one of my favorites Byung-Chul Han stressed the value of contemplative lingering. What is right? 
