I realized I had some strawberries in the refridgerator. They were from a local farm and quite magical but I had forgotten about them and they had seen better days. Still edible and quite good but strawberries go pretty quickly. Easily perceivable over the course of a week. What about us humans? Not so perceivable over a course of a week or even years. It is still a reminder that for most of us we are further and further away from our peak in many areas and we do not have forever to live with the absence of debilitating ailments. My parents are on a cruise in Italy and Greece. That is pretty sweet. They can still enjoy these things but they do lack an energy of 21 year olds. It is good to know many things are still enjoyable at 70 if we take care of ourselves. I wanted to play guitar in a band in the 5th grade and pretty much every grade therafter. My parents always said no. I am pretty sure if they would have said yes in the 5th grade many permutations would have me way better at the guitar than I am today at 40. I was driving around today and I realize I have not listened to a Metallica record in a long time. Perhaps, since high school. I chose the Black Album as that is what I listened to the most of when I was younger. Not a bad record but I think the feelings of nostalgia outweighed any other feelings. I am not the biggest James Hetfield fan although Kirk Hammett kills it on the guitar. What I found interesting is that I knew most of the lyrics and every guitar riff on the record even though I hadn't listened to it since being in my teens. Repetition and a likely more elastic brain is amazing. I will never be as good at the guitar as someone who is talented and diligent from age 12. I can probably still get to a decent level or at least a more enjoyable level than I am at today though. That's all that really matters. I have to do something as I decay it might as well be guitar. My uncle still gets much joy from the guitar at age 67. It's a good life hobby/habit.
I think it was haralabob who said this but I'm sure someone else said this as well. A good idea is to look 10 years ahead and picture where you want to be and work towards that. In 10 years I will be 50... Hard to picture it. I always said I'll probably commit suicide by 55 but I think if I do things right over the next 5 or so years I won't have to resort to killing myself. I had such a rough trip from 30 to 40 it feels like I am getting a bit of a breather at least this year. A slight repreive. Although there were great times in those years. Primarily, the first year I got sober and was getting long term disability. That was a magical year. After that capitalism kept me occupied. I've lived in this current city for like 7 years and have no friends. The problem is if you are killing yourself to make like $30,000 in a year there may just not be a whole lot left over. Not a whole lot left to give. I will make more this year but my new job probably takes more of a toll on me. We will see what I can do with my situation. It's certainly better than 2020 or 2021. 2022 was a grind man. 2023 has been a sick grind as well but with the last year and a half I might have put myself in a freer position. I hope so. I'm still decaying rapidly or not so rapidly relative to what you want to choose. Compared to a strawberry I have all the time in the world given most runouts. I do not need a stone with my name on it. Just feed me to the dogs. I'd rather be dog shit than worm shit.
I don't really have a plan. It's certainly not going to be posting a bunch of hokey YouTube videos. I know I need human connection and love. That is the hardest one. I train intensely. I meditate. I typically sleep pretty well. If things are going well there is no need to practice gratitude. I guess practicing gratitude is a positive thing to do. It just feels almost as hokey as lostaccount's YouTube videos.
Performing some songs for an audience has really jump started everything. My instructor was like "oh, you've got the bug now. Don't get any ideas. Trust me." I actually have been social in the last week which is a game changer as well.
I just wanted to reflect for a little bit. Rib lostaccount a little bit and maybe Loco will stop by and suggest some new metal as my Spotify is getting stale as fuck. You are more than your suggestions buddy. I know you know that. Live long and prosper.
Hi all, I'm heading over to Korea for the first time on 25th of April, aiming to find my way to the ASL finals on the 28th!
Just though I would put a post up in case anyone is in Seoul at the same time and wants to meet up.
In other news, I joined a hunting hike, was like being in battle sneaking around the river plains and up streams to trying to spot deer.
No luck this time, though am keen to get out in the untracked wilds again for another overnight hike. Three days was a good amount of time to explore in.
We will die. A shit ton of pallets just got dropped off at the store that I am responsible for getting processed. It never ends. That's why we must enjoy the present because we really don't know how the future will go. I think that is what I am dissapointed in. I'm not really enjoying the present. So, when the shit hits it feels worse. I'm doing my best to hang in there. I take creatine and lift weights. I was actually thinking about going down to the Friday night AA group. The problem is I had a panic attack going over a bridge the other month and I am petrified to go over bridges now. Just my fucked up mental illnesses.
I feel like I am at a standstill with collaborative ai art. I can't produce anything with paint at home and once I got good with prompts for simple text to image stuff there is not a whole lot to do there that is interesting. Stage 2 would be to learn code and machine learning but that seems like a giant leap.
I started a new video game today. Nier:Automota. Has potential.
There's not really a whole lot going on it seems. Work is tediuos and it is a shame I have to spend so much time there. I think on the bright side it keeps my Bipolar more stable. I lift weights and take creatine which also keeps me stable. I play the guitar and sing. I'm learning "Hold On, Magnolia" this week. A bit of a tricky one for me just on first playthrough. I have been reading a lot of Seneca. That guy gets it for the most part. It's crazy he wrote all those letters in 63-65 AD.
Yeah, so there is not really that much to reflect on I suppose at the moment or at least it doesn't feel that way. I mean there is the whole fact that I will die and I want love and connection. I'm really craving it. I think a lot of people do but today a lot of people are not equipped or not willing or not able to go out and have meaningful connection. I have experienced meaningful connection in my past so I don't think I am drawing dead but there are Hikkimoris and NEETs and whatever else there may be. But, that's really what I was thinking like.... In the future, I will die. So, that is scary. I sit down to play my video games and I get a text that the truck dropped off 10 pallets. That can scuff up the ole disposition a little bit. But, it's not like I have any control over these events. Well, I have some control. I can lower the risk of dying. We can strategically process the 10 pallets for better outcomes. And, since these events suck I really need to enjoy the present and not worry which I am not doing. That is the key. Enjoying the present and not worrying. My scheduled shift is tomorrow and not tonight and there is not really anything more to be done than just processing the damn thing like we know how to process it. I shouldn't waste anytime hoping that it will go away or disapear. There is no hope with out fear and no fear without hope. Take refuge in philosophy.
So where to start? After black Friday happened it seems like the community started to slowly drift away from each other, like when you graduate school and everyone parts ways and does their own thing. I was no different. I felt with the slow death of online poker after Black Friday, I needed to transition into the next chapter of my life. I was making little money online compared to before and saw it as the end of an era. So why this random blog post out of nowhere? Probably for self-reflection, a little nostalgia, some sentimental reasons, and just a good old online blog reunion.
Well being a college dropout and a lazy bum, I pivoted to the next easiest thing for me, live poker. To be honest, I was really burned out from poker at this stage already. Had no motivation to grind whatsoever, only enough to pay the bills each month. I think a lot of players feel this way around the 10-year mark in most industries but I cant speak for everyone. Never moved up stakes just grinded 2/5 for fcking ever.
I played in Norcal, Socal, Vegas, Florida, and now ultimately ending up in Austin Texas. I guess poker is a part of my identity. This community is a part of my identity. It's who I am and it took me a very long time to accept this. I had struggles of seeing poker as a respectable career and in turn didnt respect myself and had identity issues. But all that is poop down the toilet now because f all that. I am proud of who I am now, everyone here should be proud of themselves. Poker people are not scumbag degenerate gamblers that contribute nothing to society. Be who you are and embrace it 100% if you want to make it in this world.
Without pride there is no passion. When online poker was good I was so proud to be a part of this site and the poker community. It ignited a passion and fire in me that allowed me to grind so heavily in the beginning. Then when things got bad, I let it affect me negatively, not just moneywise. It got into my head, my game, and fucked everything up. This is why you need pride and passion. Now, living in Austin Texas and seeing the resurgence of a poker boom similar to that of before, I will not squander this opportunity. A small fire has been ignited in me like before. I am no longer the weak aftermath of the collapsed online poker economy.
I am going to extract as much money as possible from these live poker peons, and I am going to feel freaking good doing it. I will become the best version of a crusher that I can possibly be and will have no regrets along the way. Only then, can I be satisfied with who I am and what I have become. LP is my homepage again and I haven't forgotten about my brothas and sistas. I might not post often but I will still be lurking here every once and a while. Best wishes to everyone and I hope you all find your pride and passion in life.
It seems to me as if the world is getting saturated with AI very fast and faster and faster. I feel like I am falling behind but it might not matter. I don't think I have a natural interest in it besides AI Art and even then it doesn't go beyond asking ChatGPT how to do AI Art which seemed like it could be some work. Not as easy as painting or drawing for sure. A lot of people saying in the world of AI taste is the new skill. Well, I hope so because taste is about the only skill I have and it doesn't do me much good today. I go to work, I come home, I read Seneca. We are living in a crazy time right now. I almost need a Diablo 4 to escape for a while. 90 seconds 'til Doomsday? I'm already attached to my AI DJ on Spotify. I would love self-driving cars. I don't even know what is capable. What does everyone else think?
Purpose, Identity, and Authenticityby RiKD, March 21
Purpose, identity, and authenticity are big words. I have to find a purpose or not I suppose. That's what THEY tell me. Who is THEY?
I have to find a purpose or not I suppose.
What is identity?
Everyone is always searching for authenticity. I don't think it can be gotten from the external. As Roderick says if I want to wear all black and go off to the beat poetry spots THEY'LL just start selling black t-shirts. What if my most authentic self is lying naked in my bed reading a novel?
Well, it probably is for that time but I don't want to do that all the damn day! And, then what novel am I reading and why? Did THEY tell me about the spine tingling novel I'm reading?
I eventually have to put on clothes. I gravitate towards the Fear of God sweatpants, the Issey Miyake t-shirt, and New Balance sneakers. Of course, I didn't know about these things when I was a baby or age 3. I've never met someone who even knows what Fear of God or Issey Miyake is. It was funny in high school we were all drones. At least the ones whose parents had money. Birkenstock sandals, Abercrombie and Fitch cargo pants, and Polo golf shirt from the outlet mall just outside of the city. I can remember that feeling of wanting to fuck everyone in the world. Probably, because I still get that feeling that I want to fuck everyone in the world.
PuertoRican is right though. I have to get myself to the Italian Coast or Japan or something.
Oh yeah, I started drawing again. Thanks to a friend continuing to give me the nudge. It's not painting but it's still pretty fun.
I went and saw some Rodin sculptures today too. First, time seeing them live outside of Paris. Meaning first time seeing a lot of them in a museum. I didn't go to the Rodin Museum in Paris but Paris is so gangster that they have Rodin sculptures scattered through out the city. They had some nice gardens there too. I love this time of year when the azaleas are in full vivid bloom.
I am 1 of 1. I don't have to try to be 1 of 1. I am 1 of 1. Nothing external will change that. I don't need anything to be authentic. It gets complicated because I am in this space with other people and I have to wear clothes. I really should engage in personal hygiene. It is wise to have hobbies and figuring out things to do. How many people have an active blog to a viewership of about 20 lurkers? HA! It gets more complicated when we start worrying about the advertisements and media and the lot of 'em try and tell us what will make us "cool," "well liked," "fuckable." The basis to that conundrum is to have a core of strong character and ethics. I think that is the play that truly wins. It allows me to be comfortable with myself and others. Even though as Trent Reznor says, "I will let you down, I will make you hurt." That is a scary feeling. A scary notion. It is true for probably everyone. Forgive me. I shit. I piss. I bleed.
On another tangent I was listening to the NIN live concert from after The Fragile but before With Teeth. All his fans love being called pigs. If you actually listen to the songs pig is a major pejorative and they just mindlessly cheer and cheer louder. A pig is a submissive little piggy that will eat shit and love it. Sorry, Mr. Reznor, kindly fuck off.
But, see this is what I am talking about. A whole crowd of humans cheering that they are submissive little piggies eating cum and rolling around in shit. THE HERD as Nietzsche would call it even though most NIN fans would probably think they are super edgy and authentic for listening to NIN. They are super edgy and different who obediently buy their NIN t-shirts and other merch manufactured by THEY TM. I don't identify as a pig but I do have a NIN shirt and NIN cds. "Shut up and buy" as Maynard says on "Hooker with a Penis."
It's really a mindfuck to get too caught up in our influences but I think we need to be vigilant in a way at staying away from the wrong influences. I am 1 of 1. That is something I can remember. I don't need any company to define me... but these Fear of God sweatpants are dope as fuck.... Issey Miyake is IT........ I am glad I can afford non-Goodwill clothing. I could of course go off and be a farmer in Thailand and wear thrift store clothes and build mud huts but I actually couldn't because I don't have the start-up money. Actually, I do have the start-up money I just don't want to risk it on that venture. No monastery will accept me because of my Bipolar 1. I don't have a lot of options and I think the options get smaller as I get older. I don't have to be in a witness protection program. I am not actually a witness whose life is in danger. I've just been living in my cocoon. I get validated at work. It would be nice to get validated outside of work. And, obviously, trust and intimacy only go so far at work too.
Now that my honest motives are knownby RiKD, March 12
Now that my honest motives are known or so I think they are.
I want to be a good person with a good soul.
I want to be able to live with myself.
I want a relationship with an Other.
I could go on Hinge but that is a responsibility. I have to get all the right pictures and all of that. I don't have one good picture on my phone. It's a lot of time and effort and if it fails it can really shake my confidence that I am slowly building up.
Well, at least it's profit. But honestly most of this month felt like a repeat of january. Just massive amounts of entitlement tilt losing with big hands. Some honest to god runbad mixed in there as well, preflop allin's with AA or sets getting cracked, that kind of thing. I did have my biggest session ever winning a 6k pot.
Flop 722dd
SB insta jams allin for 2900 lmao and shows QQ. I hold, praise be.
So even with that fat payday I manage to basically just lose it back 1k per day. Thing is I can hardly be proud of it because I only ran up the 3k sucking out. BB was on tilt just repeatedly jamming flops and getting called showing any two cards at times. I hit him 4 times in the span of an hour getting it in bad, but obviously I thought I was good. Stuff like calling it off with 88 on a 34T flop and he has KK. Or getting it in with bottom straight vs his turned top straight but hitting runner runner flush by the river. I dunno maybe I shouldnt dismiss these spots since with the way he was playing it seemed like easy calls.
I started watching some solver discussion videos from UpSwing and found the analysis to be rather interesting. I tried to apply some of it to my game but probably dont really know what im doing. The topics that really stuck with me though were range vs nut advantage and some overbetting. Got into some fun spots frustrating opponents.
Lastly I sort of gave up on any sort of poker schedule. I just play every day now whenever I feel like it. 3pm, 7pm, 2am, fuckin whenever. If I'm awake then I'll play. Probably not a very +EV strat but clearly it doesnt really matter with all the losses im suffering in general.
Random Life Update 2023 Versionby Svenman87, February 25
Hey LP
Long time no talk - hope everyone that reads this is doing well. I love randomly catching up with all of you from time to time via your blogs. Hard to believe my last update here was 2015.
Work
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Still with the same bank but have had about 4 lateral/promotions since my last update so things are going well on that aspect I suppose although I've been getting burned out a bit quicker in each new job I take. I'd say that's more on the employer end than anything else - all the teams I've been on have been hamstringed by being understaffed and as a result overworked (yay capitalism :D). Each CEO through my career seems to produce additional "profit" through somewhat artificial means by squeezing water out of a stone (not hiring back to full strength as well as stock buybacks).
Life
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Well that girlfriend in my previous post became my wife as of 2020 and we've since welcomed a beautiful girl, Astrid, into this world and look forward to meeting her sister in a few months. Fatherhood has been a massive change (for the better). My previous cold robotic demeanor completely melted into puddles since becoming a dad (50% of Bluey episodes get the waterworks going these days) - truly the most amazing/challenging/humbling opportunity I'm presented with each day.
Poker
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Still play at least once a month live - Fixed Limit Holdem (8/16 Kill or 20/40) - Occasionally will play online via ACR.
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