To a degree I need to be more concerned about the spirit and the soul versus material and physical things. That is rich coming from someone whose finances could make a grown man cry. I don't necessarily have to be a born again Christian but it is wise to know Christ. Hiring a meditation teacher and meditating all day and reading all day and attempting to follow 15 or 16 or 17 precepts is / was close to insanity. By the way, the cravings and the suffering never disappeared. It's not like Christ or God is going to get me out of this predicament but maybe some warm tea and Erykah Badu might for a period of time. D'Angelo and white tea. Lauryn Hill and white tea. I am a white supremacist with my tea and a black supremacist with my spirit. Mi Esprit.
Maybe this is more important for me because I am an alcoholic and all around addict. Maybe I am forced to think about this stuff more. I don't really know what normies think about but sometimes maybe it is tough to relate to them as humans. I related more to my cat than someone that enjoys The View.
Read The Trouble with Being Born by Emil Cioran and try and refute it. I cannot. God is dead and we killed him. Try to refute Nietzsche on important matters. I could try to start reading off of Oprah's Book Club but cleaning up vomit all of the time would get tiresome.
I need to be in diners at 4:00 AM laughing my ass off with groups of people with fucked up sense of humor.
I need to be in forests. Deep, dense forest.
I probably shouldn't make fun of other peoples' spirituality unless it is funny?
I wish to be free.
There are many ways to be free in a place like the USA and many ways not to be free.
The fact that freedom of expression is valued is a rather large plus here. It is depressing to list all the ways in which I am not free. I am free to buy hundreds of different brands of shampoo (I forget who said this). I am free to starve to death.
I am free to write. I am free to groove. I am free to do a bunch of coke and go to a disco and pick up some slut hog and have a hell of a night, hell of a life yikes.
"Just being the best version of my self 24/7/365, all day every day, can't stop, won't step, whooooo!!!!" yikes
Sometimes I want to just settle in to some peace and quiet and lie down and read some Dune for a while.
Life can be exhausting no?
Imagine the first zip line through a jungle in Costa Rica and like the 17th zip line through a jungle in Costa Rica. Really, by 9 I was like get me off this thing.
Really think about the first time entering someone and then keeping that excitement going for like 10-20 min. I've fucked for 44 min. and that was just stupid. I don't mind a woman coming first or playing with herself or toys or really whatever although I am not man enough to let her peg me. I think it is hilarious to joke about getting pegged but for me no thanks unless the dildo is the size of a Pringles can.
But, I think we all need some form of spirituality in our lives. What happens when the laughter stops?
I'm 37. It's virtually over for me and I won't even go through the years of maxing my salary but why are we concerned with all of that. Maximizing salary means likely maximizing staring at the wall in a cubicle... I don't mean to make this into some Fight Club bullshit. I can't sleep. It's the night time. It's the right time for some Tribe Called Quest. If there is one thing that works in my life it's A Tribe Called Quest at night.
I miss painting. Now, there is a timeless activity. That brings me happiness until at least 90 or so or I start losing my vision like Matisse or Picasso. The next step is I need a studio and learn oil paints. I more or less wrecked the carpet in my parents' home so no more painting there. Painting is one activity I don't feel bad for being 37. I just love doing it.
I saw somewhere today that if someone wants to retire at 40 and have a $150,000 burn rate they need $9,000,000. That seems really absurd but it is also not that tangible to me. Some days like today I am ok being 37 with a liver disease that could kill me in a horrible, painful, nauseating downfall in 2 years.
Telling me to get a job. Of course. I am looking. It is kind of hard to know how much to even settle for. Inflation has been so wild it almost seems like less than $20/hr and I am getting taken advantage of. I mean I am still getting taken advantage of but something I can live with realistically.
My cat Sebastian died last night. I walked into the bathroom and he was surrounded by vomit barely gasping for air.
I am trying to write jokes to put a 10 minute set together and all I can think about were the gasps and his entirely limp body as I put him into the cat carrier. I am pretty sure he stopped breathing 10 min. into a 20 min. trip to the ER. RIP. I had a vivid dream last night that he was alive and sleeping with me in my bed but then I half woke up and he obviously was not there. It could be phantom Sebastian for a while here. I don't know what stage of grief I am in but Sebastian was my favorite cat I ever had and I am sad.
Just feel like letting one fly over here. I am an addict. I just ate 2 bars of orange dark chocolate because there was just not much else going on and I was uncomfortable with my self. The ticking of my blue switch mechanical keyboard brings me pleasure.
I have been feeling uncomfortable lately like I need help from a miracle worker therapist fast or I need to start going to AA meetings again. These are just other drugs and in reality I am screwed. I have noticed I have just been anxious lately and bored and there is no real shot of making friends and things are too cramped. I would make music but my nephew is sleeping. I can only think to come back to one of my major addictions. My blog on this website.
At this juncture I don't think it is wise to fight through USA Government Bureaucracy for a shot at some some slice of Social Security money. As far as I can tell I am pretty well medicated. About as good as I'll ever be. NEET life can be a rough life. It is time to try and do something.
I don't know if this blog is any different to a blog 4 years ago. Sad really. I can't seem to break through. What is there to break through?
Sovereignty. Money right. Girlfriend to be there.
Do we ever get to get off of our knees? Constantly worrying about stepping on the toes of the ones that feed?
I want to be as free as Richard Pryor,
Not running around with my hair on fire.
You know I saw my nigga Daut posting in the NFT thread the other day. I was like damn, that nigga is probably pretty free. Good for him. I know more or less what he has done and what he is doing. I am just not there. And there is a chance he is feeling just as lonely as me right as I type this and that may or may not be true. I have a case of the ennuí. Maybe it is gone later tonight, tomorrow, next week, who knows. The good thing is that my mind is not going to suicidal ideations or worse. It's a little little dark age.
I do not know how much I have to look forward to. People have been telling me to jot down gratitude lists for 7 years. I do not want to have anything to do with your God or your gratitude. I will fuck the newcomer with the fat ass when my parents are on vacation though... That's fucked up {that's fucked up}.
I just read a biography on David Foster Wallace and I would wager that he had a larger problem with depression than I have but sometimes I wonder if I really can make it out this existence without killing myself.
So, I have to get a job. Video Game Tester seems pretty good enough for me it's just a matter of if I have the magic find on or not. I am not even thinking in terms of anything really. As long as it pays more than disability it seems like a good enough deal. Even though I know that I need to look at situations where the output is greater than the input. Meaning I make 50 pizzas in a day and it's robotic hell and I get paid jack shit .... I just don't want to be in shitty job hell. But then I think about it and I am like well actually I need sovereignty, a money surplus, and a good girlfriend not just a neutral or bad girlfriend.... It seems like outside of my reality.
I have been grasping with this stuff for it seems like far too long. Like I just can't seem to get it. How hard is it to get a job, get an apartment, pay bills, get a girlfriend, and live the good life?
But maybe no one that I know is actually living the good life. There are certainly many that are awfully close it seems. Especially a lot of my former poker playing friends they are still torturing themselves over what the good life entails (including myself) when a lot of it is right before our eyes.
Yet, life is complicated. Needs, wants, boredom, entertainment. How to quell the craving, the striatum, the dopamine pump. I don't actually want to meditate for 4 hours a day and live a subdued life. There has to be some sort of alternative. I think that it is only getting worse for me and my generation and even worse for the generation before us.
Man, I tried wearing Tom Ford and sippin' Champagne. I just vomited it all up and ruined my clothes. Or fucked a Beyoncé and felt nothing. Lying awake all night like damn THAT pussy didn't put me to sleep? I still have some Tom Ford shades that I wear that looks awfully strange since I mostly dress like a homeless person these days.
Speed and deadmau5 can make me happy.
My cat Sebastien makes me happy.
That 2 bars of orange dark chocolate have apparently made me happy.
White tea makes me happy.
This keyboard makes me happy.
Holy shit I just made a gratitude list and it is dissolving the ennuí it seems.
I woke up late today but slept a pretty solid 10 hours. I can't remember the last time that happened not including being sedated on Trazadone. I was late for the Browns game (! PM EST) but who gives a shit right? I watch the Browns every Sunday with my family on Zoom. I woke up and had just enough time to make some coffee and have some avocado toast while they adjusted all the settings upstairs. Browns game was an ugly game but we won relatively decisively. Since then I have just been putting in rotating sessions on learning python, continuing to write a song on the guitar, and playing The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Before I knew it it was time to eat dinner. That time fucking flew by!
That is part of the code. Find things you can do that are some level of fun and some level of learning. I could just play good vidya for 4 hours or I could read a good book for 4 hours but I remember in high school they said to rotate the learning.
So:
Hour 1 = code
15 min. break
Hour 2 = guitar/voice
15 min. break
Hour 3 = TLOZ:BOTW
15. min. break
etc.
It may be hard to jam out to the song I'm making and then read a dry book on Biology. So, things have to be matched up intelligently.
I also think part of the code is just doing what you want to a degree. I remember one time I read a really good novel in 2 days because that's just what I did. On the other hand I would not want to do heroin and end up sleeping and shitting on the concrete.
One of the downsides of today is I have had let's say 6 hours of rotated flow. What happens when the fun stops?
Well, I feel empty and sad like I will never have a dopamine kick again in my life and seek out LP to hopefully remedy that.
I just want us all to have the keys to the good life. At this point going on a white tea iv and posting on LP is probably not ideal. It is not ideal. So, keep note of that to.
It's just so fun typing with my blue switch mechanical keyboard I don't ever want to stop typing and my Razer mouse is just as fun scrolling and clicking. WHAT I NEED IS A COMPUTER GAME TO FEED THE BEAST! I need $500 like a crackhead needs crack. I have calculated the $500 out to the best of my ability to build a kick ass pc. Honestly, this macbook pro could probably run WoW or SC2 but I don't want to touch either of those games with a ten foot poll. I almost could eke out Path of Exile or CS:GO or Dota 2 but in reality not even really that close.
EXERCISE - another key to life
SLEEP - another key to life
MEDITATION - another key to life
SOCIAL CONNECTION - another key to life
MONEY - Fuck, I need money to eat food and do things and seduce women into giving me enthusiastic blow jobs.
Ever since coming off the Trazadone I have been sleeping pretty terribly. I think it was Cioran that called a bed a torture chamber. Writing may be the only thing that can get me through it until I get a sleep test and they are probably going to want to sell me a cpap machine. I really never wanted to go on a cpap machine but I am overfed and obese so that is what happens to fatties like me. The frustrating part being that my meds are mostly to blame for the weight gain. I just can't win.
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So, there are at least 2 things that bring Byung-Chul Han some semblance of happiness. The first is fresh cooked rice in Japan. I've never been to Japan but I love the smell of fresh cooked rice. The second is learning to sing Winterreise by Schubert (in German) with a piano accompaniment. My mom is going to learn the piano part. The piece is over an hour long and I kind of want to be a baller and learn the whole thing but maybe I just pick a certain section that I really like.
+++++
If you like deadmau5 or a more techno'y take from him that hits pretty hard try:
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Schön de Berlin
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I can communicate and appreciate beauty better than most people I know. Especially when I am the right amount manic. The right amount grandiose and my synesthesia and sensitivity are not going haywire. I know I am least a little bit manic because I can't get enough damn quality sleep and I am crying listening to deadmau5, apparat, and massive attack. The sensitivity is dialed up. I've also had multiple near-death experiences. Nothing crazy where I was pronounced dead. I knew one woman who overdosed on heroin and woke up in a body bag... That is like super power near death experience. She is a super hero.
Has anyone here had a near-death experience and has it enhanced your abilities in life in any way?
My near-death experiences were mostly avoiding fatal car crashes by like 1 meter or 1 second. Those usually really jazzed me up for like a month but I still think they hold weight. The time I had like 40 glasses of wine in me and had a knife in my stomach but instead heated the knife up with a lighter and branded myself on my arm and hand was pretty fucking intense.
I think this is partly why Dostoevsky wrote so well, Shostakovich composed so well, I am thinking mostly Russians here because they have such great art and most of them went through so much shit.
I don't know. It is just a hypothesis I have based on the show The OA. I base everything on the show The OA. Brit Marling better be an angel from another dimension or my life plan might be screwed. Some Tik Tok dances are actually inter-dimensional rituals. Only someone with a trained eye can tell.
I don't care what anyone says. I saw the blue fairy in the blue lights. I think she is a bit of a trickster but has a lot of wisdom to share.
I am unsure if I follow Eros to untrodden paths or I come across untrodden paths and find Eros there. It could be both. Eros is not some static entity.
I suppose I continue to seek knowledge. I cannot think my way into untrodden paths or perhaps I can. I think that it is more of finding oneself on an untrodden path and not being too loud about it. No need to be coy but don't scare the birds. You never know when it will disappear below your feet and Eros will be gone until next time.
I had a 2009 Gateway Gaming Rig that I barely played any hands on but still easily made up for it in profits. Poker days lol. Since I liked my 2009 Macbook Pro more the Gateway was literally in a garbage bag collecting dust for 12 years until I finally put it to rest today. I got a USB wireless thing and connected to the router ok but the damn computer is so old it was not recognizing modern DNS if that is even possible? Meaning I could not go on any websites. The Gateway was running Vista 64-bit for crying out loud. I played one final game of Warcraft 3: The Frozen Throne and then it is customary for me to open the damn thing up and take it all apart and look at it one final time before I laid it to rest in the trash. I was hoping to mess around learning code on Microsoft. Microsoft 10 is $140 by the way. I was also looking to maybe get some gaming in but it was not meant to be.
Now, I am down to my 2009 17'' Macbook Pro which I adore but it was giving me the rainbow wheel of death 2 weeks ago and an iPhone 6 that is totally scuffed up. I keep knocking on wood that they will keep pulling it out day in and day out like champions.
I am done with Apple though. I would like to build my own desktop pc. I either want to go just enough to handle gaming or decide not to game and just go pretty bare bones. Ideally get a used laptop from someone trusted. I don't mind Mac OS and the esthétique but still I find Macs overpriced and Apple is going in the wrong direction in regards to security. I don't know about phone. My brother said there are $150 smart phones out now. I am not against going Shanzhai Chinese. I did for my blue switch mechanical keyboard and I love that thing. My mouse is USA Razer and I think I love that thing even more. But, since the reboot of the Gateway went South my beautiful, beautiful hardware is just sitting there unused.
Maybe some hardware and software nerds will find this interesting, maybe not.
Ideally, I have re-furbished laptop with ubuntu (great suggestion Jelle).
I hate microsoft but if I am building a pc for vidya and coding primarily then I would think it is microsoft > linux?
Linux would be better for my laptop that I would not game on and I could learn python for linux too.
I don't know.
Just a nukka that is way too amped and can't sleep at 1am.
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