sup

I've got the blues but I can't really play the blues (yet).

I wake up at a good hour greeting the morning sun. I run errands. I read a book. I take a nap.

{side note}

- Twitter is the same old shit all the time. I don't need all that information.

- Reddit is just too much. It's too extreme. I don't want to experience life through the lens of reddit.

- Liquidpoker.net - I just keep coming back. Just when I thought I was out it drags me right back in.

I was going to go to Food Not Bombs today and thought about 3 different AA meetings I could go to and didn't end up going to any of them.

I got some good guitar work in.

Is this life? Recover one day to work the next days. Work, eat something, don't get dehydrated, blot out the consciousness with whatever will work to do it all over again the next day?

We are all knuckleheads just flinging poo seeing what has some sort of impact.

Let's say I do learn John Mayer's guitar solo on Frank Ocean's Pyramids and can perform the full vocals and guitar and perhaps even the synthesizer composition... Then what?

The reward is in the journey. We must imagine Sisyphus happy and all that crap... I can sing the blues but I can't make my guitar sing the blues (yet).

It's grey winter out there today. Last night there was a light crescent moon and black grey clouds in the darkest dark of night. Listening to Emma Ruth Rundle driving home with the cream street lights illuminating the road it felt like a perfect moment. I was enmeshed with joy. Now, today, tonight, I sit here discontented with existence. It was as if last night was a dream. The thought of it brings me envy. The only chance to bring me out of this ennui is perhaps soothing hot white tea and more chipping away at the ole guitar or maybe it will be something completely unexpected.

I've got the blues bad and maybe the only remedy is more blues but what if the blues is like benzos in that the more you take the more there is a rebound anxiety? One becomes dependent on the blues.

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I can post here if I want it is just not in my best interest. I have plenty to ruminate on.

The point is I was practicing Protection by Emma Ruth Rundle on guitar and honestly typing this I am better off going back to practicing.

It is also not wise for me to get into any sort of "debate" with people on here or even respond to anything.

Subtle brag that I am practicing a hard song for me on guitar. Love the chords I just can't play 1/3 of them yet.

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Happy new year to anyone that may still be around here including the lurkers. In 2022, it seems I still have a compulsion to post here.

I finally got a job. The title is salesperson but I'm basically a fashion retail hoe. I don't suck dick but I will sell sweaters for cash apparently. I figure I'll give it a go. The company allegedly is a good company to work for so we shall see.

2021 flew by. Isn't there some hypothesis that time is relative or something like that? Or, the classic as one ages time speeds up. Terrifying. I realize aging is inevitable but the degradation of the body is no fun.

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Pretty colors.

If any of you lot is unemployed how many hours a day are you looking for a job?

I feel like there are only so many jobs for me out there and applying does not take too long but I know some people who are savage about the job hunt.

I don't know. This morning nothing was all that appetizing. I've got some interviews in the mix so maybe I feel higher than I should because interviews can come and go like a flash. I mean I just can't ever see myself putting in an 8 hour day on searching for a job. The more normal my sleep schedule the harder it is to be a NEET. There are only so many things to occupy the time. I came back to the Habermas but it is like I lost my place or never had a place in that book. I learned to code more. That almost seems like a waste as I don't know what my destiny will be. I wanted to learn Rust but I can't really go through the book because it is for good programmers. Even if I get good I don't see myself enjoying sitting around programming for 8-10 hours / day. I've gotten such conflicting advice regarding coding at this point it's me saying fuck off to people thinking I have to optimize every minute of my life and let me just tinker around and hack and have some fun.

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Sometimes I don't understand my brother and sister-and-law. They itemized out 15 Marvel movies they need to see/re-see before seeing yet another shitty Marvel movie that is not out in theatres yet. 30+ hours of watching shitty Marvel movies sounds like torture to me. I also don't get how they can budget in a 5 figure trip to Disney a year in advance and my brother is not allowed to get a video game he wants when he wants it. I was thinking though that maybe their watching of excessive bad movies is not as bad as me being on here. On here feels more active which it is. It is almost a bad thing. The faster I type the faster I type the more I post the faster I type to type faster to post faster. There are some elements of addiction to it. I could finish Dark season 3. I could finish Arcane season 1. I could finish Dune (the book). I'd rather sit here listening to music and typing up literally whatever. OMG who knows what will happen when I click send.

Ooga Booga Vote Trump Ooga Booga

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Friday night. Friday night lights. Listening to Balam Acab. ACAB. Let's go!

I remember the days when Friday night lights meant something. It meant me, captain of the lacrosse team leading the way trotting out to More Human Than Human by White Zombie with the moaning at the beginning under the Lights. That is a check mark for this blog about romanticizing the past.

{Lasagna Recipe}

I've been quiet but I predict hiems will eventually try and go after me. At this juncture I am an easier target than Loco and that is just a fact. I don't even have enough money to fill up the gas tank so I can go out tonight so I am stuck here eating my nephew's left overs:

2 chicken tendies
about a cup or 2 of mac n cheese
3 sugar cookies with coffee

It cost me $0 + whatever the fraction of a coffee bag is.

hiems, making fun of me for roping or seppuku I don't think it goes down like that in my current state. I've only thought about it deadly seriously once and I had 60 units of alcohol in me. I'm not violent enough. It would probably involve Ativan but once I take the Ativan I would feel better unless I overdose on it but I don't want to do that and I don't want to drink alcohol even though my life appears to be in a dire situation which it is but I am not miserable like you claim. This could change obviously but I am not even mad I'm not going out tonight. Last week at the ending prayer I was holding hands with an attractive female and my hand started to tremor because of the medications I am on. I was going to let go of her hand but she grabbed on tighter and finished the prayer. I told her I am sorry about the tremor and she gave 0 shits. That happens to me all the time by the way. It's annoying. It's really not a bad enough outcome to avoid AA altogether it's just annoying. As long as there is no proselytizing, socialization with this group is actually more interesting than many. We've been to hell and back which just brings a more extreme sense of humor and levity I have not come across anywhere else.

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Has anyone ever met someone that is a retire at 55 zealot?

Criticizing anyone that spends money or wants to live in a beautiful place, et al.?

There is almost a hubris in their plans.

Counting every penny.

It would suck to have to work at 55 but what are people going to do at 55?

What do people do at 65?

The existence and the opportunity for experience is just not the same as in one's 20s.

I mean it also depends on the person. What is optimal?

This person's spouse posted that his only joy in life was finding a new green tea he liked at Costco. Like, what the fuck world are we living in? I am not saying we have to pop bottles and make it rain at strip clubs because that is fucking stupid too. I don't know what I am saying. Just throwing some stuff out there.

I would say I am firmly in the enjoy life when younger and take some big swings at risk.

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Happy Holidays everyone!

I just had 3 formal Thanksgiving dinners in 3 days. Why on Earth was that necessary?

I make it a rule to not break bread with Karens. I don't have any Aunt Karens. No complaints at all actually.

Now, it's time for the big one (Christmas). The Big One where most people's expectations get a little haywire. No, maybe your kid won't like all of his/her presents and throw a tantrum for half the day. Or, it's sets up a fucked up dynamic where the parents' and child's happiness is determined by materialism and hedonism only furthering the cycle of fuckedup'ness. Which is even more fucked up by the fact that many times for the parent how their child acts and behaves is all they have. That is The Magnum Opus.

I laugh at people that say not having children is selfish. Although, I don't think having children is inherently selfish. There is no denying it is a hell of a project.

But, I would love to look at the history of Christmas and the history of Black Friday. People are in a frenzy to find the right gifts and maybe purchase a piece of joy in this world.

As usual, I have no idea what I want for Christmas. The dam has too many holes. Who knows where to start plugging?

So far, I have gotten my sister a phone case and my parents a gift card to a restaurant that they like. T R A N S C E N D E N T A L . . .

I seem miserable but I am in bliss listening to this Stimming und Moderat. Ich habe zu Stimming und Moderat gehört und ich fühle glückseligkeit. Stimmung = mood in German. Stimming = what autists do to make it out alive but the artist name is actually Martin Stimming. Moderat is Modeselektor + Apparat both brilliant in their own right. I go through phases every 1 year, not quite every season, that I want to move to Germany and get immersed and study German Thought. Go to Stimming, Moderat, Booka Shade, et al. shows. Live in the hipster part of Prenzlauer Berg. It's all a dream. All a fantasy. I'm more likely to end up working at Taco Bell. Where did my life go?

I don't think it is easy for a lot of people. Even if you are making JP Morgan Chase type money you still have to work for JP Morgan Chase. They are seeing record numbers of resignations. I think rightfully so people are realizing it is not sexy to be a rent seeker especially if 1 or 2 people are bullied into covering an entire teams' work without any increase in pay or benefits.

I don't actually know which way the world is going to go. For me, it is fun to joke about collapse because that is certainly on the table for most of us on the planet and it helps me cope. Elon Musk perhaps can escape to Mars, Jeff Bozos can die in space, Bill Gates can have his own mansion/city with his own security and farming distribution and emergency room and hospital et al. We already live in a dystopia.

I try to laugh so I don't cry. No one wants to be around when the laughter stops.

So, when is this VR technology going to be as good as The Entertainment or The Experience Machine?

(Please guys, stay away from Zuck and his Metaverse)

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Just some leftovers at the time.

PUA (Pick up Artist/Artistry)

I dabbled in PUA in my 20s. I will say the one thing it did for me is showed me the ease in which a dude can walk up to a woman in a club or bar and start a conversation. That was pretty powerful at the time. Now, there are a million things wrong with PUA. One of them being this focus on make outs. There were plenty of times I would get a make out in a public place and it virtually meant nothing. In fact, make outs in public places should not ever be happening. This is all like kind of late 18s – early 20s when people are just starting to get more drunk and it can get pretty sloppy out there. Hell, I started drinking in 7th grade I should have known better. In 7th grade we would play spin the bottle or 2 people go into a closet and make out or just time people making out. So, make outs do matter in the fact that it's a first kiss scenario but really it should be happening in more of a discrete way and with people who are vetted and not just complete strangers.

Holiday Loneliness

Perhaps because my libido has been shot since I have felt so crummy lately this has helped but there has not been much holiday loneliness thus far. I have no desire to go to a club and get a make out but it is not like the fact that I have no one to cuddle with under the covers on a cold night has not really phased me much either. I did start going to AA again which helps with friends. It has also helped that there were no Aunt Karens at the Thangsgiving dinner table. I am willing to be a little lonely in general if it means less headaches in the future.

Determinism

I don't know who is in control I just know that many times it doesn't feel like me. I question myself. If I don't question myself and life just moves I am either on the tracks of determinism or free will. Determinism would feel like free will but I swear there are times that free will is free will and doesn't feel like anything but free will.

But in general I have to get out of my head especially if I am manic. I saw the blue fairy in the blue lights though. I saw a lot of things. I hallucinate. I have synesthesia. That bridge to guardian angels and new worlds and new gods is such mind fuck. I've seen it; I've been there. I don't want to drive 129 mph in a 45 mph with Orbital – The Box – Part 2 blaring as loud as it will go. Actually, to be more truthful I do want to do that... I don't want to kill anyone and I don't want to lose my license though.

c my love,
help guide me,
you are an og,
like ri, like zoé, like me

That's how I pray today. I pray to complicated new gods of new dimensions with horrific poetry.

I also don't think I am as manic as what I am writing. It's almost like I am playing a character of manic me.

Oh well, I should probably find something else to do.

r Love x y Love x z Love ...

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I've been sick with a really ferocious cold like 6 days. Allegedly not Covid which is probably a good thing. My sleep is awful. I mean I slept most of today thank goodness but it is all in like 1 hours blocks and then I have really bad coughing fits. Then I thought I could control the dreams. Which I could to a degree but if I slept for like 2 hours from 1-3am I lost control. I am at a point now I don't want vivid dreaming, lucid dreaming, I just want to sleep for like 1 12 hour block. That's all I want in this world. Due to my aches and general dissatisfaction basically nothing as brought me joy. All entertainment is banal. I feel like shit and don't feel like getting anything done at a time I need to get stuff done. I am trying not to make it stressful and just survive on a basal level but I hate that survival zone. So, that's what I've been up to. Suffering and more suffering. How are you?

I think part of the reason I am posting this is so I can post in the future if I can't sleep. It is brutal to wake up every hour until like 3am and can't sleep. Hopefully, I can make things interesting but who knows.

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