I wonder if everyone is holding their breaths thinking about whether or not the site will be closed in the near future. I have been too busy to think about that recently actually but now that I can take some breaths it is on the mind.
I also remember it has been over a week since I have played on Ignition due to issues with the site. Ignition say they are going to compensate players in some way but I haven't seen it yet besides some extra fpp points. In fact, most of my funds are locked. Fun stuff.
I have been getting into techno recently.
Really diggin' this track:
Coming back to LP's potential closure. Maybe we are all in agreement that it is sad but true?
I log in and it's a black screen or a white/grey screen. Finally, I restart enough times and get to the lobby but I can't join any games. It loads up to 99% and then just stays there.
I googled it and it happens to other people. I was wondering if this stuff happens to you and how often?
I set everything up. The Ignition Hand Grabber recognized the tables I was on and was presumably grabbing hands but when I go to PT4 there is nothing. It just says I need to put in a player name but there are no names on Ignition. I'm overly tired and feeling desperate right now. I thought maybe someone on here might have a quick fix.
I got my 2nd booster yesterday because my mom wanted me to. I actually got all sorts of side effects today at work and it was pretty miserable. I came home took some Tylenol and had a nap and I feel a lot better. This is the first time I've had a reaction to the Covid shots. Better than being welded into your home at gun point.
I just write these things like jerking off. It's maybe a little fun or cathartic for a little while then I click post and shoot my load and the world turns.
And the expected outcome is for lostaccount to spam stuff and hiems to say some stupid stuff and try to attack me.
I actually don't have much to say. My life is pretty simple and boring these days. Has been for a while. Guitar and video games are fun until they are not. I read books. I haven't been spending much money.
I keep considering playing poker again. The starter costs seem too high though. I mean I need a desktop to run solvers. A desktop to play poker. 30'' screen. Move to Pittsburgh. I would ideally start at 100 NL or 200 NL so I need a bankroll.
When I started playing poker I think people were weary as they just assumed I would be a lawyer or a teacher. I think it might actually be wiser for me to play poker now because I am stuck in retail hell with no foreseeable way to improve my position.
5ptbb/100 @ 200 NL is 20c/hand. 30k hands a month is 360,000 hands in a year which would be $72,000/year.
I currently make $31,200/year. With inflation that is not great and I don't know how to increase this figure at this point. I just don't know how to do it. How does one get out of retail hell?
So, I play video games to blot out the consciousness but they are good video games. They are fun. I am wasting my life away on video games. This seems to be a philosophical choice I have made. Strap me in to the experience machine.
The Sky Is Pink by Nathan Fake is a great song. iop sent me the Holden Remix version seemingly so long ago back when we would share songs on MSN and Spotify was just in it's infancy. I regret not going to Sweden.
I don't know what it will take to turn it around. I just have a pessimistic outlook on life and my life. Would I be that happier if I made $40,000 or $50,000? $70,000? $200,000?
I actually don't know if I could make much playing poker these days. I don't know if I would be hungry with the solvers but they are super interesting. I put in a lot of work on Pro Poker Tools back in the day which is so archaic and also a lot of math regarding bankroll management and variance. The problem is I already burnt out on poker I am not sure if there is any turning back.
I decided tonight that I am going to put my digital music equipment on the shelf and get some gaming in. I could change my mind tomorrow but maybe not.
What is the best filthy casual gaming these days?
I have never played League of Legends but I'm thinking about loading that up and seeing what all the fuss is about.
So, I was only in for the trial of Ableton Live 11. No cost there. Let's say I am in $300 for the digital music equipment because I'm not going to count the headphones because I'm listening to Soma by Smashing Pumpkins and it's fucking divine. I have my Razer Death Adder out. I have my blue switch mechanical keyboard out I'm fucking ready. Give me the signal and I'm game.
The other day at the fashion store this woman walked into the fitting room and we had normal conversation. She said she was trying to relive a recent experience at a boutique store where some clothes made her feel great. Then, she told me, "don't go anywhere I want your opinion on something." Which happens a fair amount. Then, she walks out of the room in sexy, lacy lingerie with her phenomenal breasts on just about full display. I don't know what my face looked like. I tried to play it cool and put on a poker face but she was clearly coming out of this lingerie. She said, "I think it looks kind of funky" as I just stood there trying to think of something to say. I wanted to say, "the breasts are certainly not the problem but the lingerie is too small" but I just agreed with her and said it was a bit funky looking. She then just casually tried on a hippy type of spring/summer robe/cardigan as if it was no different than surprising me with her tits falling out. Then, she was gone apart from the memories. The fact that her tits have been haunting me means I really need to get touched by a woman at some point aka get laid.
So, I will post something so hiems can maybe be amused and probably criticize me.
There is not much to report. My life is pretty simple. I labor away my life at work and then I get into music and sometimes I spend time with friends.
I am too broke for any meaningful computer so I focus most of my time on song-writing and the guitar. All I need is a pen and a notebook for song-writing and maybe a little inspiration from somewhere. The guitar is still mostly grind-mode. I got pretty good with the blues scales that were given to me to practice and then my teacher was interested in what kind of song I want to play. I responded that I had been listening to Townes Van Zandt almost obsessively recently and so we started on Pancho and Lefty which is not my favorite song but one that he knew. I've started on finger picking and expanding my ability to play some more chords. It can be a grind to just practice fundamentals but what I've learned or gathered is with the guitar it's a long process. I'm not just going to pick the thing up and play whatever I want. There is probably an inflection point in certain areas where if I can play 1 song it becomes increasingly easier to play other songs and then the dam bursts and with a little practice I am playing a wide range of songs but I need to hone the fundamentals. If I can't get a damn A to ring, or a D, or a G, there's no hope in really trying to play any damn song.
I don't have many friends outside of AA and I am not thrilled about showing up to the meetings so that is a situation. I don't want to get too lonely as I think that is one of the main drivers behind people who drink a lot. I mean obviously pent up fears and resentments causes people to poison themselves but loneliness and isolation are big drives for sure. I am up in the morning and in the fashion store around a lot of people so I think that has some effect on me but not like a more free space with friends. I am still in chains at work. It's nice for people to smile at me and say hi but I'm still chained. What if they find out I am acting at what it is to be this person at work. My dissatisfied facial expressions and forced smile betray the person I am trying to be. Horrible stuff really. It's back to being in a cage and when I leave I am just in a bigger cage. How do I get out of the cage? Where do I put the chains?
My guitar teacher is adamant that I enjoy playing the guitar and that I enjoy life. He's been pronounced dead in a hospital bed but he came back. I stopped and thought about it today and I just kind of go through the motions with large portions of my life now. The job is conducive to that and it carries over into leisure if the "leisure" I get is even considered that. I've said it before there is no real leisure for people toiling away full time hours. There is work and rest for work (Byung-Chul Han). But, seriously, I thought about it a lot and I don't even have a full idea of what enjoyment is or should be. Guitar is great but I'm not creating yet. It's practice. There is still the gaming aspect to it. Getting the right chord shape and extra stimulation in the right hand with the finger picking that you just don't get with strumming with a pick. I can eat some fried chicken with sweet potato fries and a sweet tea at the best fried chicken joint in the city but that is a trap. A trap that damages my liver most likely. If I truly enjoyed being here I would do everything I could to rejuvenate my liver and not damage it. If someone asked me in my 20s what enjoyment means I might be able to just summarize it with "sex, drugs, and rock n' roll" but that's not sustainable and it's also naive. Sex has low hedonic adaptation. Rock n' roll does too but drugs it's very difficult to get that first high back. I'm 38 and still figuring out how to live life.
I will say this though. I was at a viewing for a family member the other day and that is a jolt. Someone once asked Heidegger how do we be authentic? And, Heidegger answered go visit a graveyard. I would take that a step further and go to a viewing. The existentialists of the 1920s and beyond are very big on this idea of authenticity. It's not a fashion or a trend. It is about being in this world. Being thrown into this world and what do we do? I was thinking about how down in the South they say ma'am or sir or Miss and Mister. I just say please but that's not really authentic is it? That is just how I was programmed growing up. Now, there is a choice in my actions though. I could choose to start saying ma'am and sir and all the rest of it but I don't actually like it so I will hold to my Mid-west upbringing.
Authenticity is a battle. Living true to myself seems like the least amount of impediments to my freedom. The problem is it is not easy to know what being true to myself entails. What soap do I use? There is no true self in what soap I use. I am always manipulated. It is very difficult to avoid manipulation in day to day life. I have wised up somewhat to know that buying a pair of Air Jordans can not represent my soul, my beating heart. I can try my hardest with consumption to represent me as a person and it is mostly emptiness.
I'm drifting. The Seroquel is really starting to kick in. I would like to elaborate a bit more on authenticity and this idea that we are thrown into existence (Heidegger). Born to grow and grow to die (Townes Van Zandt). I am still trying to figure out what enjoyment means at 38 today. I can't just pop molly and slam speed and alcohol at a warehouse rave and enter a new dimension on the regular. In fact, I can't afford to do that at all these days.
I am wrestling with how to write a song. The first song I wrote I wrote the guitar part first and then just mostly improvised the melody. It was a fun little song but I set it aside in the archives. I learned that the "correct" way to write a song is to lay down the beat first, then chords (guitars, piano, whatever), and then the vocals. This makes sense to me but it can't be the only way. Townes Van Zandt many times wrote the vocals before laying down the guitar. SIA doesn't write anything. She just improvises the melodies that eventually become a song accompanied by a piano. I wrote a song the other day that was basically poetry but I don't really know how to then go back and make it musical with a guitar or add a beat with a MIDI controller. It's still very much early stages and I just turned 38. It's fun though. Something to do. Better than waiting to die (Van Zandt). See, I told you everything I say has been said already.
I think if I study Van Zandt and Bob Dylan that is all the education I need for writing songs. The funny thing is I think my voice is suited for country better than any other genre but I feel like an outsider and I fight it. It's not as sexy as singing a falsetto or yelling. I can appreciate the production of a deadmau5 or NIN but I am not a classically trained pianist... So, I love the production of some of these people in Digital Audio Workstations (DAWs) but there is something to writing a song and playing an acoustic guitar. I get intimidated by some of the Texas drawl and sensibilities. Basically, I have to find my voice. Although, Jason Molina did just fine and is from the same place I am from. I don't want to copy Trent Reznor, or Thome Yorke, or Leadbelly, or Robert Johnson, or Townes Van Zandt. I just want to create what is in my heart and archive it as basically journal entries.
I feel empty, I feel lonely, I feel worn out. Which is why I am here. It's a feeling that fried chicken and iced cream won't fix. At least not at this hour. I missed my AA home group tonight due to work. That would have had the potential to cure my woes. At least for an evening. But, sometimes I get the feeling that I am attempting to run with the herd with out running or following the rules. Believe me, I have had vicious substance abuse problems in my life and I have a desire to not use substances in the present or the future. I run into problems when I don't have working substances at my disposal. I don't honestly think I could find anything that works in the long run anyways. Certainly not some God of my own imagination either. I am an insect among this cold universe. Even underneath these fiery stars.
On the terrestrial, mundane side of things we might be witnessing the start of World War III and all I give a damn about is how am I going to get through work without too much displeasure and how am I going to make music. I think there is sort of an underlying terror to all of this more heightened than normal. There are things worse than nuclear weapons. Anyways, my laptop is too old to run the Steinberg UR12 Audio Interface and MXL 990 Condenser Microphone and an appropriate DAW (Digital Audio Workstation)...
My new goal is to build my own desktop. Worth it?
What does everyone think?
I don't want any Apple products. I want Windows 11 and Ableton Live 11. I probably want to game too but I don't want the project to get too expensive.
This gives me something to look forward to among the chaos. Will I care if a smorgasbord of suffering is headed my way if I am writing songs or pwning noobs? I hope not.
I sneaked some painting in last night and this morning. God, I love painting. The ideal would be to have a studio as part of a dwelling. What I painted was kind of weird and seemingly trivial but it was still fun and got that sort of expression out. I am still practicing guitar but practicing chords isn't the same as creating a song or a painting. I think another part of the ideal is just having a girlfriend I could do stuff with. Yes, I think expressing ourselves sexually is important but just doing random stuff. You know, some other friends so I don't get too sick of the girlfriend.
I think with the guitar I have to really get into the chord shapes and not be complacent about it. As my teacher said it is not just about the fingers but also the hand, wrist, and arm.
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