So this is my 4th(?) attempt at it and is probably my best attempt at running a blog.
I've done all the research that goes with hosting/domains/wordpress/ga4 + gsc/SEO and a ton of tiny details in doing it right.
Shrimping is great but I do not love doing it. I still work there but I've decided to take a backseat for now. I'm old as fuck so I'd rather do something I love and spend more time doing this tbh. I've done everything from the ground up so it's not perfect but it'll have my favorite movies and shows so please check it out.
Gomorrah has ended after 5 seasons. Fantastic show. Highly recommend it!!!
"This, I submit, is the freedom of a real education, of learning how to be well-adjusted. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. You get to decide what to worship.
Because here's something else that's weird but true: in the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship--be it JC or Allah, be it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles--is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness.
Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they're evil or sinful, it's that they're unconscious. They are default settings.
They're the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that's what you're doing.
And the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on your default settings, because the so-called real world of men and money and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self. Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom. The freedom all to be lords of our tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the centre of all creation. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talk about much in the great outside world of wanting and achieving.... The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.
That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.
I know that this stuff probably doesn't sound fun and breezy or grandly inspirational the way a commencement speech is supposed to sound. What it is, as far as I can see, is the capital-T Truth, with a whole lot of rhetorical niceties stripped away. You are, of course, free to think of it whatever you wish. But please don't just dismiss it as just some finger-wagging Dr Laura sermon. None of this stuff is really about morality or religion or dogma or big fancy questions of life after death.
The capital-T Truth is about life BEFORE death.
It is about the real value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over:
"This is water."
"This is water."
It is unimaginably hard to do this, to stay conscious and alive in the adult world day in and day out. Which means yet another grand cliché turns out to be true: your education really IS the job of a lifetime. And it commences: now.
I wish you way more than luck."
— David Foster Wallace (This Is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life)
"That Man is the product of causes which had no prevision of the end they were achieving; that his origin, his growth, his hopes and fears, his loves and his beliefs, are but the outcome of accidental collocations of atoms; that no fire, no heroism, no intensity of thought and feeling, can preserve an individual life beyond the grave; that all the labours of the ages, all the devotion, all the inspiration, all the noonday brightness of human genius, are destined to extinction in the vast death of the solar system, and that the whole temple of Man’s achievement must inevitably be buried beneath the débris of a universe in ruins—all these things, if not quite beyond dispute, are yet so nearly certain, that no philosophy which rejects them can hope to stand. Only within the scaffolding of these truths, only on the firm foundation of unyielding despair, can the soul’s habitation henceforth be safely built."
Alright so this is one of those updates that is fun to make because I'm crushing 200nl on Bovada for a double digit winrate! I took a shot at 500nl 2 nights ago and got rekt though. FML. So for now I'm regrouping a bit, I'll probably grind out 5-10 buy ins at 200nl and then go for another 6-7 buy in shot at 500. My focus for May will obviously be to try to get a decent sample at 500nl as the first shot only lasted 700 hands and was filled with nonstop coolers. Haha. I had great discipline though and moved down to 200nl mid session and continued grinding and won half a buy in there. My how far I've come since the old days of my legendary high stakes tilting! LMAO
Anyways here are the results for the month thus far!
I got my 2nd booster yesterday because my mom wanted me to. I actually got all sorts of side effects today at work and it was pretty miserable. I came home took some Tylenol and had a nap and I feel a lot better. This is the first time I've had a reaction to the Covid shots. Better than being welded into your home at gun point.
I just write these things like jerking off. It's maybe a little fun or cathartic for a little while then I click post and shoot my load and the world turns.
And the expected outcome is for lostaccount to spam stuff and hiems to say some stupid stuff and try to attack me.
I actually don't have much to say. My life is pretty simple and boring these days. Has been for a while. Guitar and video games are fun until they are not. I read books. I haven't been spending much money.
I keep considering playing poker again. The starter costs seem too high though. I mean I need a desktop to run solvers. A desktop to play poker. 30'' screen. Move to Pittsburgh. I would ideally start at 100 NL or 200 NL so I need a bankroll.
When I started playing poker I think people were weary as they just assumed I would be a lawyer or a teacher. I think it might actually be wiser for me to play poker now because I am stuck in retail hell with no foreseeable way to improve my position.
5ptbb/100 @ 200 NL is 20c/hand. 30k hands a month is 360,000 hands in a year which would be $72,000/year.
I currently make $31,200/year. With inflation that is not great and I don't know how to increase this figure at this point. I just don't know how to do it. How does one get out of retail hell?
So, I play video games to blot out the consciousness but they are good video games. They are fun. I am wasting my life away on video games. This seems to be a philosophical choice I have made. Strap me in to the experience machine.
The Sky Is Pink by Nathan Fake is a great song. iop sent me the Holden Remix version seemingly so long ago back when we would share songs on MSN and Spotify was just in it's infancy. I regret not going to Sweden.
I don't know what it will take to turn it around. I just have a pessimistic outlook on life and my life. Would I be that happier if I made $40,000 or $50,000? $70,000? $200,000?
I actually don't know if I could make much playing poker these days. I don't know if I would be hungry with the solvers but they are super interesting. I put in a lot of work on Pro Poker Tools back in the day which is so archaic and also a lot of math regarding bankroll management and variance. The problem is I already burnt out on poker I am not sure if there is any turning back.
any1 following this? its popcorn.jpg for sure. never thought id root for a trump hater so much in my life lol. what a cunty this amber heard is. I "Heard" about this divorce awhile ago and I immediately thought she was a cunty probably but the trial just magnifies the extent to which she is a cunty so much.
The thing that I am very glad about is how much public support is lopsidedly supporting johnny depp. ive seen polls where like only 1% support amber heard. the thing is even if she doesnt end up having to pay a shitton of money, my faith in humanity is sort of restored by the amount of public support depp is getting. if heard has a minimal fine but depp gets back his roles in hollywood while she gets cancelled that is still a moral victory imo.
meanwhile techlead releases this video
idk how a sane man in 2022 decides to get married or have children unless u have a fuckton of money like elon who has cucked loco by impregnating his crush grimes.
Perhaps inspired by NeillyAA, I'm having a little fun prodding around in the newly minted regulated market in Ontario. Party Poker seems to have the largest player base, but that will likely all change when PokerStars unveils its offering and joins the ring-fenced market. I'm well past the time where I had any sort of aspirations of being a professional or high earning player, but it's fun to experience a bit of nostalgia. Right now the games are pretty soft, who else has been hitting the tables in Ontario and still hits refresh on this dead site at least once a week?
so in starsnj there is the reg that is a communist. i found this out because one day i was browsing twitter and randomly i thought i saw a screenname that was familiar and it turns out its the 100nl/200nl reg i play with. also i didnt go stalk him or anyhting weird like that because his twitter handle is his poker screen name with an "X" in between so TheDumbxLoco, for example...so its not like it shows up in searches.
anyway i click on his twitter profile and he is a full blown communist, he has like...the soviet symbol on his handle and everything lol. he actually looks a bit like stroggoz has similar vibe lol.
anyway i asked about it in chatbox one day telling him i found his twitter lol. ...at some point it seemed to annoy him and he doesnt respond to my comments anymore lol. i do the patented hieMS sweet talk 2 this poor guy loco will kno
anyway today started with a hand where he 3bet from button vs my ep or mp raise...i had AKo standard 4bet and he folds. I needle him and say "1 for capitalism" lol. ..no response
then I 4bet AAwith ace of diamonds vs his button 3bet he snap calls preflop with TT flop comes like K32 or something with 2 diamonds. I for some reason check and he checks. Diamond turn. c-c. forget the river. I make block bet he calls.
then later sb vs bb I 4bet TT and he jams AQo and I dont love it but call and i hold for 120bb. (quite alot for Tens so not sure about this).
later fish limps I 3.5x TT IP he 3bets rather large from blinds with AJsuited or something flop comes like TT8 2 spades he bets large side I call with quads obv....spr is about 1 at this point. turn and river make 3 flush spades and he hits a broadway straight on river and jams and I SNAPPPP THE COMMUNIST OFF WITH QUADS!!!
shoulda have slow rolled but I was stuck so couldnt afford to like...disconnect or anything from the pot LOL...the last 2 hands happen like back to back just outta nowhere devastatingly lose 2 stacks LOL what a communist!!
I've been watching these "15 minutes movie recap" channels on YouTube and they r amazing.
These channels basically summarize the movie scene by scene in 15 min. They do a really good job and alot of times they make a bad movie watchable and obv its alot easier to watch than an actual movie or TV show. Also they have movies from diff countries u might have never scene. Its almost a life hack except they r addicting so u waste time because u can't stop.
i recently ate at the american chain restaraunt "caracker barrel" for first time.
i was trying to get a to-go order because I did not want to pay the tip. to me, getting a to-go order is a way to avoid this...thats the whole point of a to-go order.
well the weird thing about this restaraunt is that when u say "I want a to-go order" they say OK the server will be right with you....then the server takes ur order and you pay at the cashier.
to me this is a bizarre thing. most other restaraunts u just take the order at the register and they bring u the food. with this particular system they kind of expect u to tip the server. to me this is kind of crazy. a did this a few times and one time the server did seem upset about no tip.
i looked it up on quora and there are actually ppl that say "oh well when I am at cracker barrel I do leave a small tip, (maybe like $1) because of the way they do it".
whatever the case I dont want to leave even $1. am I wrojng for thinkin this way?
I decided tonight that I am going to put my digital music equipment on the shelf and get some gaming in. I could change my mind tomorrow but maybe not.
What is the best filthy casual gaming these days?
I have never played League of Legends but I'm thinking about loading that up and seeing what all the fuss is about.
So, I was only in for the trial of Ableton Live 11. No cost there. Let's say I am in $300 for the digital music equipment because I'm not going to count the headphones because I'm listening to Soma by Smashing Pumpkins and it's fucking divine. I have my Razer Death Adder out. I have my blue switch mechanical keyboard out I'm fucking ready. Give me the signal and I'm game.
/userpoll/draw.php?poll_id=10189
Poll: What type of content u interested in
(Vote): More Loco stuff(meme, skits, screenplays, music videos)
(Vote): P0kah
(Vote): Actual life of hiems
(Vote): Hiems $$ wisdom (coupons, finding money on the ground, best waterfountains to steal 25 cents from)
(Vote): Plz stop posting
The other day at the fashion store this woman walked into the fitting room and we had normal conversation. She said she was trying to relive a recent experience at a boutique store where some clothes made her feel great. Then, she told me, "don't go anywhere I want your opinion on something." Which happens a fair amount. Then, she walks out of the room in sexy, lacy lingerie with her phenomenal breasts on just about full display. I don't know what my face looked like. I tried to play it cool and put on a poker face but she was clearly coming out of this lingerie. She said, "I think it looks kind of funky" as I just stood there trying to think of something to say. I wanted to say, "the breasts are certainly not the problem but the lingerie is too small" but I just agreed with her and said it was a bit funky looking. She then just casually tried on a hippy type of spring/summer robe/cardigan as if it was no different than surprising me with her tits falling out. Then, she was gone apart from the memories. The fact that her tits have been haunting me means I really need to get touched by a woman at some point aka get laid.
I recently was suggested a article of a 22 year old girl that was mauled by 2 dogs in Texas recently and her face got really fucked up for life.
The boyfriend is staying with her. I think the article said she helped him through cancer recently and he is glad to be able to help her like she helped him with cancer.
Anyway this made me think about stuff like wtf would I do in this situation...is it worth being in an actual serious relationship with a woman unless you are actual prepared to do this? Etc etc.
So, I will post something so hiems can maybe be amused and probably criticize me.
There is not much to report. My life is pretty simple. I labor away my life at work and then I get into music and sometimes I spend time with friends.
I am too broke for any meaningful computer so I focus most of my time on song-writing and the guitar. All I need is a pen and a notebook for song-writing and maybe a little inspiration from somewhere. The guitar is still mostly grind-mode. I got pretty good with the blues scales that were given to me to practice and then my teacher was interested in what kind of song I want to play. I responded that I had been listening to Townes Van Zandt almost obsessively recently and so we started on Pancho and Lefty which is not my favorite song but one that he knew. I've started on finger picking and expanding my ability to play some more chords. It can be a grind to just practice fundamentals but what I've learned or gathered is with the guitar it's a long process. I'm not just going to pick the thing up and play whatever I want. There is probably an inflection point in certain areas where if I can play 1 song it becomes increasingly easier to play other songs and then the dam bursts and with a little practice I am playing a wide range of songs but I need to hone the fundamentals. If I can't get a damn A to ring, or a D, or a G, there's no hope in really trying to play any damn song.
I don't have many friends outside of AA and I am not thrilled about showing up to the meetings so that is a situation. I don't want to get too lonely as I think that is one of the main drivers behind people who drink a lot. I mean obviously pent up fears and resentments causes people to poison themselves but loneliness and isolation are big drives for sure. I am up in the morning and in the fashion store around a lot of people so I think that has some effect on me but not like a more free space with friends. I am still in chains at work. It's nice for people to smile at me and say hi but I'm still chained. What if they find out I am acting at what it is to be this person at work. My dissatisfied facial expressions and forced smile betray the person I am trying to be. Horrible stuff really. It's back to being in a cage and when I leave I am just in a bigger cage. How do I get out of the cage? Where do I put the chains?
My guitar teacher is adamant that I enjoy playing the guitar and that I enjoy life. He's been pronounced dead in a hospital bed but he came back. I stopped and thought about it today and I just kind of go through the motions with large portions of my life now. The job is conducive to that and it carries over into leisure if the "leisure" I get is even considered that. I've said it before there is no real leisure for people toiling away full time hours. There is work and rest for work (Byung-Chul Han). But, seriously, I thought about it a lot and I don't even have a full idea of what enjoyment is or should be. Guitar is great but I'm not creating yet. It's practice. There is still the gaming aspect to it. Getting the right chord shape and extra stimulation in the right hand with the finger picking that you just don't get with strumming with a pick. I can eat some fried chicken with sweet potato fries and a sweet tea at the best fried chicken joint in the city but that is a trap. A trap that damages my liver most likely. If I truly enjoyed being here I would do everything I could to rejuvenate my liver and not damage it. If someone asked me in my 20s what enjoyment means I might be able to just summarize it with "sex, drugs, and rock n' roll" but that's not sustainable and it's also naive. Sex has low hedonic adaptation. Rock n' roll does too but drugs it's very difficult to get that first high back. I'm 38 and still figuring out how to live life.
I will say this though. I was at a viewing for a family member the other day and that is a jolt. Someone once asked Heidegger how do we be authentic? And, Heidegger answered go visit a graveyard. I would take that a step further and go to a viewing. The existentialists of the 1920s and beyond are very big on this idea of authenticity. It's not a fashion or a trend. It is about being in this world. Being thrown into this world and what do we do? I was thinking about how down in the South they say ma'am or sir or Miss and Mister. I just say please but that's not really authentic is it? That is just how I was programmed growing up. Now, there is a choice in my actions though. I could choose to start saying ma'am and sir and all the rest of it but I don't actually like it so I will hold to my Mid-west upbringing.
Authenticity is a battle. Living true to myself seems like the least amount of impediments to my freedom. The problem is it is not easy to know what being true to myself entails. What soap do I use? There is no true self in what soap I use. I am always manipulated. It is very difficult to avoid manipulation in day to day life. I have wised up somewhat to know that buying a pair of Air Jordans can not represent my soul, my beating heart. I can try my hardest with consumption to represent me as a person and it is mostly emptiness.
I'm drifting. The Seroquel is really starting to kick in. I would like to elaborate a bit more on authenticity and this idea that we are thrown into existence (Heidegger). Born to grow and grow to die (Townes Van Zandt). I am still trying to figure out what enjoyment means at 38 today. I can't just pop molly and slam speed and alcohol at a warehouse rave and enter a new dimension on the regular. In fact, I can't afford to do that at all these days.
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